


Past, Present and Future Hearts

by MeredithBrody



Category: NCIS: New Orleans
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2018-11-18 00:12:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 98,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11279712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: Alternate-Canon. Meredith Brody comes to New Orleans, but her life isn't quite as simple as it appears on the surface. Juggling motherhood, an ex-husband and the job she adores isn't always easy, especially when there are people you don't want to know.





	1. Crescent City

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, I know I haven't posted much in the last year or so, but that's pretty much because for the last 6 months this concept has eaten my brain and I'm still nowhere near finished, but after writing it for 6 months and getting a chunk of episodes re-written I decided to start sharing. The whole concept of this is... what if Merri and James had married, had kids and gotten divorced all before she came to New Orleans. How different (or not different) would it be. So in December I had the idea, in January I started planning and in February I started writing it. So this is a long labour of love. I hope people enjoy it. For the most part it's a Prody slow burn and it will go completely away from the show at the end of season 2 (because I still refuse to watch it, not having Merri was the end of it for me). But even if you don't ship Prody at all I hope you can enjoy this fic and how I have played with it all.

* * *

Meredith Brody was not exactly fond of being a single mother, and it had never exactly been in her life plan. But after she and James had gotten married, Ben had quickly followed. Almost exactly a year after Emily had died, she'd become an aunt. That hadn't kept her and James together, though. The grief of losing Emily, and the strain of trying to keep their relationship together pushed them apart, and James took the assignment in Afghanistan, leaving her at home with a six month old. For almost five years, that had been it. They had filed for, and been granted, a divorce with her retaining sole custody of their son. Then on one of his visits to see Ben, one thing had led to another, and 8 months later their daughter had arrived, a few weeks early. So now Merri was bringing up the two of them alone.

Not that that had stopped her really doing anything, and it hadn't stopped her transferring offices whenever she could. The last three years she'd been in Chicago, for two years before that she'd been in St Paul. Before that, when she and James had been going through the worst of it, she'd been in Cedar Rapids. She was assuming that this was a temporary assignment, but she had been thinking for a while that it was time she took a new assignment so the call to New Orleans had been quite a nice surprise… until she'd remembered she'd need to get her mother to look after the kids. Getting some work for Ben for the week from his school. Now here she was, stood on her mother's doorstep with a bag each for the kids, details for a hotel and information for the case she was being brought in for. "How long are you going to be in New Orleans?"

"I don't know mom, a week or so, most likely." She didn't really want for it to be much longer than that. Longer would mean that she'd done something wrong, or she was going to be there indefinitely. Indefinitely would require a lot more planning than she'd put her mind to. Then there was that she didn't often like telling the people she worked with that she had kids, she'd been in Chicago, and still only three people knew she had Ben and Millie. The AIC, her unit chief and her partner. From all accounts, the New Orleans office was smaller, and she didn't really think she could deal with the questions.

"It was fine you did this when it was just Ben, but now there is Millie too…" Olivia started, and really Merri didn't blame her. They'd been given all of four hours warning that they were going to be having their grandchildren to stay, and that was barely any warning at all. At least with Olivia's job she could always guarantee that they would have somewhere to keep the kids safe. In some ways Merri hated this too, especially as Millie wasn't even a year old yet, but she went where she was sent and she couldn't afford for someone to be looking after them for a week or more in Chicago.

"Yeah well, mom, I can't afford a nanny full time. What James sends just about covers the service I use when I'm working." James actually sent more than he needed to, he gave a good amount for their children, and while he might not have been there all the time, he did try to call them at least once a week, and he wanted them to understand that he had to be away for his work. That he loved them, and he wished he could see them more. Merri didn't always buy that, but he did try and she'd give him that. "It's just not… financially viable right now."

"You have plenty of money you can access." Olivia pointed out, reaching out and taking Millie out of Merri's arms and smiling at her granddaughter. Merri would accept that, despite all the problems their family had had since Emily had died, her mother and father were always willing to jump in and help out with their grandchildren when Merri needed them. It wasn't easy to accept that help, sometimes, and it was even harder when the subject of money came up. Merri wanted to be her own woman and earn what she spent, so her trust fund had remained largely untouched since she had finished college. It wasn't that she didn't like having that security, she just thought that it would be better for if she needed something major in the future. Something that she wouldn't be able to afford without it.

But, convincing her mother of that was more difficult than she cared to admit. Her father had come to understand how she thought when she was younger, but Olivia had grown up and struggled with money along with her parents. Sometimes she forgot that living comfortably was all Merri needed. "I'd rather work my own way mom, thank you though." It was nice that her mother made sure Merri knew they wouldn't be angry at her if she started to use it.

"Your dad will be happy to have these guys around again though." Olivia smiled, finally, bouncing the very unimpressed Millie on her hip. Ben hadn't been paying all that much attention to anything that had been said thus far, and had instead been playing with the toy trucks he carried everywhere with him. "Be safe, Meredith." That was the mantra of her family, whenever they weren't going to see each other for a little while. Stay safe, stay alive, we'll all be together again soon. It was one of the few things that kept them all sane and helped them feel in control.

"I always try." She replied with a soft smile before bending down to get Ben's attention, kneeling on the deck beside him and nodding a little. When she had his attention she made sure she got it through to him that he couldn't behave the way he did at home. "Be good for nanny and pappy while I'm away, yeah?" It wasn't really a question, and she hoped that her son knew that. Given his attitude problem, at times, she wasn't entirely sure. He was too much like his aunt Emily to every really behave, it made Merri hope that Millie would take more after her. She deserved to have an easier ride with one of them.

"You'll be back soon mummy, right?" Ben asked, and she heard the real worry behind those words. He worried that she was going to be like daddy, and he'd wake up one morning to her being gone and then he wouldn't see her for weeks or months. At 6 he was beginning to understand more about how much he was missing without James there, especially now he was in an average school with children who had both their parents there all the time. His fears were justified, but at least Merri could try and placate him. "You're not going to stay away for long?"

"Just as soon as I can be, like always." She wasn't sure he could remember the last time that she'd had to leave him with her parents, it had been when her transfer to Chicago had first begun, and she'd been there two weeks alone. He'd only been three, and he'd thought it was a vacation. Now he had another job to do too, and that was to be a big brother. Though that had been a role he'd taken on with some resistance. "Look after Millie too."

"Fine, where's pappy?" Just like that, Ben's worries were erased from his mind and he was ready to think about something else. Momentarily Merri found herself wishing that she had the mind of a child. So much innocence and trust, things that she had lost such a very long time ago. It did worry her that Ben was so easily distracted, but he knew what to do if a stranger was talking to him, and he knew how to say 'my mommy is a federal agent' in three languages. "Is he home?"

"He's in the den, go find him." Olivia smiled, patting Millie's back as Ben started running into the house. Both the women watched as he ran all the way along the corridor before he realised that he hadn't picked up his bag or his trucks, at which point he ran back to them and picked them all up. At least that gave Merri a giggle before she had to turn and leave. Something she wasn't at all ready to do today. "Hey, say goodbye to your mom." Olivia called as Ben ran off again, something that Merri was secretly glad she'd done. Ben being confident enough to go on his own was something she was very proud of, but at the same time it hurt a little too.

"Bye mum!" Ben stopped and yelled back to her, then ran off into the house. Merri knew that Ben just wanted to spend some time with the only male relative he had any real contact with, but it still wasn't easy to watch her son running away from her. in some ways that was why she was glad Millie was still so little, and so very unsure about what was going on. Hopefully she wasn't going to make things too difficult for her grandparents, but they hadn't spent much time with her either, living so far apart.

"Wow, I feel loved." She joked while watching Ben's retreating back, absolutely sure that that was how Olivia had felt at times when she and Emily were young. It did give her a moment to put some love on her daughter, and spend a precious few minutes saying goodbye to her. This was going to be the big test, as she hadn't actually been away from Millie for more than one night at work since her birth, and Merri wasn't really sure how either of them were going to manage with that. "You love me though, don't you baby. I'll be home soon."

"Go on. Call at bedtime if you can." Merri remembered that as being something that she'd started when Ben was Millie's age, and she was moving to St Paul. She wanted to focus on them but at the same time she had a case, and that had to come first, even when she wanted to be home with them. She was reflecting on that when her mother managed to surprise her with her next question. "Can we expect a visit from James?" That would be novel, wouldn't it. He hadn't been in over a year, and she had no idea when he would next plan to visit.

"Not in the next week. I don't even actually know where he is right now." It had been a while since they'd last spoken, and she didn't want to dwell on it, especially since it just made Ben upset. Eventually he would come back, she was sure of that, but she didn't know when. "Don't mention him to Ben, he's being a little… sensitive about James right now." he just wanted to know why his daddy never came to see him, and that was something that Merri couldn't answer, however much she sometimes wanted to.

"We won't. Go on Merri." Olivia seemed to be picking up on Merri's hesitation, and while it may have annoyed her, Merri was glad that her mother wasn't letting her linger too long. It would be harder to leave if she lingered, and she still had a flight to make in another couple of hours just to make sure that she was there in time to get some sleep before she had to start doing her job. "Say bye bye to mommy, Millie."

"Bye baby, bye mom." She leant down and kissed her mother's cheek then the top of Millie's blonde head, then grabbed her bag and went back to the car she'd rented for the afternoon. Knowing that getting to New Orleans tonight and starting work in the morning was going to be hard. She hated new places, she always knew that they'd hear her name and connect her immediately to the bombing on the _Moultrie_. She didn't need that right now, there were more pressing thoughts.

The case took five days, then she got an offer she couldn't refuse. Extending her time here, indefinitely. She had thought there was a possibility, but she hadn't truly been expecting it. Now that the offer had been made and accepted, she just wanted to make sure that Pride knew what he was asking, and that she wasn't exactly the easiest agent. She couldn't always go to a scene at the drop of a hat, and she would have to put Ben and Millie first, but she did think they could all be happy here. "Pride, I know you offered to keep me here indefinitely but… did you read my file?" She asked, hoping that he would be able to guess at what she was implying from the way she had made sure there was nobody around when she brought it up.

"I did, since you didn't mention your family… I thought it was something you didn't want people to know." Well, he was just as perceptive as she'd believed he was. She should have known an old friend of Gibbs', someone that had known him longer than she had, would be just as good at getting to the bottom of what people were thinking. It did mean that she didn't have the awkward moment of having to break the news, like she'd had to in Chicago when nobody had read her file until she'd already been there for a month.

"I… I'm a single mom, they are with my parents right now and coming working here is gonna… it's gonna be a big move for them." She realised that it suddenly sounded like she was trying to get out of it, but she wasn't. She just needed time, understanding. Maybe this was the appropriate time to start trying to make that clearer. Why was this coming out as word vomit, she knew what she needed to say, but it was not coming. "I want to come, I think it might work out well but…"

"I'll speak to Vance, give you a two week transfer leave. That should give you some time." Pride smiled and nodded, clearly catching what she needed. Time to move them, time to sort out a school for Ben and a daycare for Millie, things that were harder to find when you weren't a local. Maybe he'd be able to help her when she got back here. She also needed to find somewhere for them to live, even if it was only temporary. "I only saw a notation for children and a husband. I didn't look further than that, thought I'd let you say yourself."

"Ex-husband. We've been divorced since 2010, we were only actually married for a year or so. My son, Ben, he's 6. My daughter Millie is 11 months." With that gap, and Millie coming almost three years since their divorce, people assumed she had a different father. That was something she had gotten used to heading off before they even had a chance to ask, and she hated that her reaction was that she needed to do that. "They do have the same father though, I get asked that a lot about her."

"Tell me about it when you're ready, Brody. I have a family, a marriage I'm trying to save, a daughter I wish I could do more for. I know how difficult family life can be." He reached out and squeezed her shoulder, which she found more reassuring than she wanted to admit. She normally didn't let people touch her, but there was something about Pride that gave him permission in a way nobody but her children and James had ever had. "If you ever need help, you know where I am."

"Thank you. I'm… pretty terrible at asking for help, if I'm honest." Help meant she was weak, it meant she couldn't do it alone. At least in her mind. She knew that it didn't mean that to anyone else, but there was something about how she thought of herself that meant she was trying to prove that she could do it on her own, without James or anyone to help her except for in special circumstances. She did need one thing from Pride though, she needed for him not to mention it to LaSalle, or to anyone else. "Could you do me one favour though?"

"Sure, what is it?" He looked as though he had been expecting that, but she honestly didn't know if he would ever have been able to guess that she was going to ask him to keep her children a secret. She also hoped that in the future they wouldn't think that she was ashamed of them, she liked to keep them quiet to help keep them safe, to help them have a normal childhood. A mother who was a federal agent and a father who was one of the top journalists in the world didn't always make for the most stable and private of childhood's, and the last thing Merri wanted was for her children to be treated as some sort of sideshow attraction.

"Don't… tell anyone else. I don't want my kids to become part of the NCIS sideshow, you know what I mean?" Pride had said that he had a daughter, surely when she was this age he would have wanted to protect her as much from the insanity of this career and all the dangers that came from it as she wanted to protect her two. It wasn't easy, and keeping them out of her mind at work made everything harder, but she couldn't not focus on it at times. Keeping them secret was the only way to keep them safe.

"I do. I promise not to mention them." He just nodded solemnly, and that gave Merri all the confidence she needed that he wasn't going to make anything difficult, and he wasn't going to tell her that she should embrace parenthood and their careers. She'd had all of those lectures, but she wasn't ready for them again, not somewhere she thought she could settle. Given that Ben hated the cold as much as she did, she was fairly sure he'd be happy to get out of Chicago too, once he was settled.

"Thank you. I should get back to Chicago though. I have a house to pack up and sell." She smiled a little at that, glad that she had cleaned up the last weekend they'd been home, and that she rarely had much of anything anymore. It would only take a few hours to box all their belongings up and get the urgent things ready to move down here. She'd contact movers and things in both cities as soon as she could, knowing that it would take a couple of days to drive everything from Chicago to New Orleans.

"See you in a few days." Pride smiled as she went to the door of the office, clearly letting her off the hook for coming back immediately, and she was glad that she'd have the time to get things sorted. It was never going to be easy, but she was ready and in a way she was excited. The kids would adjust in time, and she could start looking as soon as she got on the plane. It would be fine, and she would hopefully be able to escape the past. That was what was important to her now.


	2. Musician Heal Thyself

In the week since they had officially moved to New Orleans, Merri didn’t know of one night where she and Ben had had a full night's sleep. She had learnt that Millie could sleep through absolutely anything, but Ben had seemed to be struggling with the fights and the ‘firecrackers’ as much as she did. Since the start of this case LaSalle had been pushing her to move somewhere safer, right now she was thinking that she probably should too, especially as it was affecting Ben almost as much as it was her. For the second time tonight she heard his footsteps coming along the corridor to her bedroom, followed by the slice of light as he pushed open the door. "Mummy?" 

"I know pup, we’ll find somewhere quieter to live soon, I promise.” She didn’t need to ask him why he was awake, because it was exactly why she was awake too. She patted the bed for him to come and climb in with her, and looked over to where Millie was in her crib. she hadn’t even moved, and Merri was glad that she slept through all of this, and she hoped that Ben was young enough that he wouldn’t remember this when he was grown up. She wanted him to think he’d always had a safe and happy childhood, though that was plainly not true right now. 

“It’s too loud here I can’t sleep.” He grumbled as he climbed onto the bed beside her and cuddled into her side. Wrapping an arm around him she tried not to worry too much about them, and hoping that he felt as though she was able to keep him safe. That was all she wanted to say she was doing. “What are all the bangs?” Well, wasn’t that just the question she didn’t want to be asked. She sat thinking of things that she could say that weren’t outright her telling him that they were the gunshots of the local gangs, Ben was far too young to know about any of that. He didn’t need to know any of that, or that she knew what it felt like to be shot too.

“They are fireworks baby. Like the ones we have on the fourth.” They sounded the same, and given that Ben knew what fireworks were he would believe that too. Merri was feeling guilty that he couldn’t sleep, and it wasn’t helping that she couldn’t find another place that she liked. They were still living out of boxes, with most of their furniture in a storage bay in the CBD. Maybe it was time she look at the house that LaSalle was talking about. Anywhere was going to be better than this place, and at least she was going to be able to have a professional connection to whoever owned the house. “I know, I can’t sleep either. We’ll have a real house soon.”

“How soon. One sleep? Two sleeps?” That told Merri how desperate Ben actually was to move. He normally only asked that before Christmas, his birthday and when he knew that James was coming. Right now none of those things were in play. That settled it in her mind, she’d go see the house. Especially since LaSalle was making it sound as though his friend was somewhat desperate to get the place rented out, and Merri would take it over immediately. Hopefully they wouldn’t have problems with the kids, and they wouldn’t tell LaSalle, though she would live with LaSalle knowing if they were safe. When he knew, she may as well just tell everyone.

“A few sleeps. I don’t know exactly.” Dodging questions was something that she hated to do, but she didn’t really know how else to say any of this given that they weren’t exactly in the position to move immediately. When they could she’d be happy to tell him exactly how many sleeps it would be before they had somewhere safer to live. “Come on, cuddle up in bed with me and we’ll both try and sleep.” Hopefully that would help Ben to drop off to sleep.

He was a mumbled when he was falling asleep, she had learnt that long before he could talk. Ben liked to make noise until he was asleep, and then he tended to talk in his sleep too, which always ended up amusing for her, especially since Millie was going the same way too. “Can we not live near where my school is?” He ended up asking quietly as he got himself settled down, and Merri fought the urge to sigh softly. That would be the ideal place to live, and she was hoping that, just maybe, this house would be in her ideal area. If not, she was willing to take anywhere that was safer than this one.

“That’s what I’m hoping pup.” She decided that, in this case, honesty was really the best policy. Even though he was only five, Merri truly believed that being honest was the best thing for him. She didn’t always explain, or she made it more child friendly, but she didn’t exactly believe in lying to children who were smart enough to understand what was happening and ask questions about it. Maybe she was too honest with him, she honestly didn’t know, but she hoped this was the right thing to do, and would help him trust the adults in his life.

“Is daddy going to know where we live now to come visit?” Ben asked, the same innocent way that he always asked about James, and in some ways that broke her heart. He wasn’t going to learn that he couldn’t really depend on his father until he was a little older, and by then it would be too late. The weekly phonecalls weren’t enough, especially when James couldn’t even tell them where he was or what he was working on. Sometimes she wished she could tell him to stay away, but she couldn’t. She wanted him around as much as the kids did.

“I sent him an email with our new address, when he gets chance I’m sure he'll come and visit.” Alright, so sometimes she did lie. Though eventually James would visit. Probably not always for the kids, but he would eventually come to visit and see them. Merri was susceptible to his charms every time, and she felt like it was just going to be a never ending story with the two of them, because she was just not strong enough to resist him, he was still the man she loved, even though she was angry at him most of the time.

“Good, It’s been a long time since we saw him.” Ben commented, and Merri was a little amazed that he even remembered the last time James had been there, as it had been a couple of weeks before Millie had been born the previous April. Merri wanted him to be involved more, James claimed he wanted that too. Maybe he needed to be reminded that parenting ingredient didn’t come with an invitation, he needed to invite himself into it. 

“Go to sleep puppy.” She kissed his head and stopped replying to him at that, knowing that was going to be the only way that he would fall asleep. His questions about James reminded her that things weren’t always easy when they moved, but given James’ general disinterest over the last year she wasn’t sure that it would matter either way. She didn’t know what she thought, but it wasn’t easy or simple. At least, not the way she had hoped it would be when she had the kids. She needed to focus on them, and try and keep James in the back of her mind.

The following morning work was hell. She had barely any concentration, and she knew that it was becoming obvious that she wasn’t sleeping enough. She was an insomniac who barely slept anyway, but this was even less than her usual minimum required amount of three hours. As she stifled another yawn, she felt LaSalle watching her and she knew he was going to ask about it. “Still too loud to sleep?”He asked, and it was clearly a rhetorical question. She was officially fed up though, and the previous night's decision was still from of her mind.

“Yeah. Fine, you win.” She was making sure that it was an obvious grumble, because she didn’t actually want to admit that he was right about all of this. She liked LaSalle, and he was a good agent. But as a partner he was a pain in her ass and she regularly wanted to beat him and make him stop acting as though she hadn’t been an agent for as long as he had. Longer in fact. She’d been with NCIS for 11 years, and from all accounts he was barely at 8. He was only senior here since he’d been in the office longer. “Give me the details for the house. I have to move sooner rather than later.”

“They've said I can sort everything out for you, when do you want to move in?” That was the killer question. Three weeks ago was likely not the correct answer, but it was the exact situation that she was in. Wanting to make her way alone but regretting it in the end. It seemed like a synonym for her entire life. Maybe she should let others in more often, but she didn’t want to. She wanted to focus on doing it alone, mostly just to prove that she could. People said she was going too much, and she needed to prove the same. 

“Just as soon as is humanly possible after this case. I need a full night's sleep.” So did Ben, and she wanted him to get out of the habit of coming and climbing into her bed. He needed to be happier with where they were living before that would happen. It had been the same in Chicago, but it had been so long since they moved there she doubted that Ben could remember their early months in that apartment. 

LaSalle seemed to, mostly, just be glad that she had finally accepted his help. Not that she minded that either. She was a little worried that she might have to reveal about her children before she was ready, but the actual act of getting his help was something of a relief. “I’ll get the details from them this afternoon, then you can set up and move in this weekend.” That was ideal, for both her and the kids, and nowhere could be worse than where they were right now.

“If you repeat this I’ll deny I ever said it, but you’re a lifesaver.” Merri really wasn’t all that keen for anyone to know that she might actually like LaSalle, as it was far more amusing for her to tease him and act as though she merely tolerated working with him. In her experience that was how good partnerships started up, providing that after a while the partners could actually stand one another’s annoying habits long term, she still wasn’t sure that she’d ever be able to get that comfortable with some of his habits.

“You like me, just accept it, Brody.” LaSalle teased, and Merri tried her hardest not to snort. It was surely a nice wish for him, and while she was going to keep pretending that she didn’t like him, he was growing on her. Not as quickly as some of the others here, granted, but he was. They were all growing on her and, the city was making her feel like she was home already. Mostly though, she was glad that it was warmer here than it was back in Chicago, she was fed up of the cold. 

“Never going to happen, LaSalle.” She shook her head and went back to doing her work, the case was almost entirely closed, but that didn’t mean they were done, and as the new agent she had an awful lot that she had to do, mostly because of hazing but also just because it really did need doing. Merri was willing to take what she was handed because it was part of the job, but she wasn’t looking forward to sitting and typing reports up and dealing with the mail. She was still working on that when she had an envelope put on the desk in front of her.

“Alright, here are all the details for the house, and you are gonna be expected this evening. It’s been empty a month, so it might smell a little musty.” How the hell had LaSalle got all that so fast. She didn’t even know if he’d left the office. She also hadn’t really been paying attention, so maybe he had, or maybe this was all going to be in his scrawl and she’d have to work it all out before she was able to even know where the address was. About 90% of her time was spent trying to work out LaSalle and Pride’s handwriting. Neither of them had neat writing, and that did make her job a lot more difficult. She was glad that she liked writing up her own reports, and detested the handwritten variety. 

“I’ll have to go have a look around it tonight. Who is this friend, do I know them?” She needed to ask, just on the off chance that it was someone they worked with. She didn’t think that it was Pride, given the way he’d been when she had agreed to come here she was pretty certain that if it was him he would have offered her the apartment before she’d moved into a questionable neighbourhood. She didn’t know Loretta or Sebastian well enough, so she wasn’t going to rule anything else out. If the owner would rather go through LaSalle then so be it, but she would like to meet them at least once.

“I don’t think so. Why don’t you go look around before we go to Papa's bar with Pride.” That was actually a good idea, especially since she did actually need to pick Millie up soon. She wasn’t sure how she felt about the assumption that she’d just be able to turn up there after the case, but she also wasn’t really in the position to argue with it, she would just play on the idea he already had of her as being someone who never went out anywhere with her colleagues, or anywhere at all really. She did go out, just normally they were to parent groups.

“Do you go out after every case?” It seemed like a fair question too, because if it was a regular thing she might need to see if there was a reputable nanny service she could hire here too. She was already going to need something for her work, as she wasn’t always going to have her neighbour across the hall to depend on when she got called away, especially not if she moved into this house.

“It depends, but mostly.” The excitement LaSalle had in that told her far too much about how he thought, and what he thought she was. Available for things like that, mostly. Merri didn’t remember the last time she’d had a full ‘night out’. It had been years, since long before Millie had existed, and not since Ben was very young. “I know you don’t go out, but we could teach you a thing or two about New Orleans.”

“I do go out, just not the places where you'd go.” Unless LaSalle was also hiding a child or two, she could almost guarantee that he wouldn’t go to the kind of places that she frequented. Playgroups, parents meetings, parks and children’s play areas. Not the types of places she tended to see single, childless bachelors. Her dating life would likely look very different if that weren’t the case. 

“I’m sure. Meet you there then?” At least he was leaving that up to her, and he wasn’t trying to convince her to let him go with her, not that she would have done that. She needed to pick Millie up, so her daughter was going to be looking around the house with her. No matter what the house was like, she was sure the baby would at least give her an honest opinion. She just nodded her assent to meeting LaSalle at the bar afterwards and read through the information, which included the lock code for the door. 

Picking Millie up from daycare meant that Merri had to accept that this was really happening again. She was looking around somewhere that might not work. It was near school and work, so that automatically made it a lot easier for them all. Walking around Millie squealed at what it seemed she decided she liked, and by the time they’d done a full circuit she made a choice. “What do you think, monkey? Think this'll be big enough for the three of us?” At another happy squeal from the toddler, Merri smiled and agreed, looking at her daughter as she realised that in a few years they may have to find somewhere bigger, but right now this was the perfect size for them. “Yeah, I do too, I should see if that sweet girl across the hall will look after you and Ben tonight while I’m out and the movers are there, then we can move in tomorrow.” Merri said as she started out the door and headed back toward the main part of the French Quarter, where she could easily get the streetcar back to where she liked to park so that the kids seats in the car wouldn’t be noticed.

“This must be one of yours?” She heard a voice she recognised coming from behind her, and stopping slightly so she could look to Pride and nod she smiled. In a way it was quite nice to be able to introduce her boss to one of the kids. Merri may like keeping work and home separate, but there was always going to be some crossover, and Pride being able to recognise her children was at least a start for that. Not that she could ever deny Millie Lathom as being hers. The toddler barely looked at all like James, and sometimes Merri took solace in that.

“Yeah, this one is Millie Lathom.” Merri smiled as Millie pretended to hide then clearly decided that she liked Pride and held her arms out for him to take her for a moment. Truthfully Merri was relieved to get a break, and it was sweet seeing Pride with a child. She guessed that was what he looked like when he had been carrying his daughter when she’d been Millie’s age. Given all the evidence that she’d been given about Pride and his daughter, it wouldn’t surprise her at all. “We’re just going back to get on the streetcar back to where I parked this morning.”

“Not got the other with you?” Pride looked around as though another one was going to run back to her shouting about what he’d done at school. Most days that wouldn’t be too far wrong, but she’d enrolled him in scouts and that seemed to be keeping him a little more entertained. It was almost the time where she should be going and getting him though. Taking a few minutes with Pride walking beside her was nice though, and she was glad to see that Millie apparently still liked him enough to not have started to cry yet.

“He has scouts after school, going to go and collect him now then get them both home and get a certain someone in the bath.” She clapped to see if Millie wanted to come back, but it seemed she was happier with Pride than Merri had seen her with almost anyone else. Millie was normally quite picky with who she let hold her, but clearly Pride had won her over, even faster than he’d won her mother over. Merri was cautious about who her children spent time with, especially when it came to her colleagues, but Pride had surprised her and was a big hit.

“How old is the bigger one? A boy, right?” Given that Merri had never really mentioned her children, and she wasn’t sure if it was in her file what they were she wondered how Pride had figured that out. Clearly he knew more than he let on, he always did, but she had to wonder if he knew he mother, somehow, or someone else who knew more about her family make-up. Right now, it almost wouldn’t surprise her if he had found out that way. Instead of asking though, she thoughts she’d just focus on the question asked.

“Yeah, Benjamin, and he’s almost six.” While with Millie things were somewhat predictable, she’d been through parenting once and she could guess at how things were going to happen. Ben though… he made every day a new surprise, and she while she loved seeing what he was making of life, she sometimes wished for break where she had chance to talk to take in what he’d already learnt. It was so much and he was so clever. James’ influence flowed through him, and even though he didn’t really know his father Merri could see the similarities. “He’s a terror, too much like his father at times.”

“They see him much?” Pride asked that with clear compassion, wanting to know more about her family, maybe. She never really knew how to answer that, but given that Pride was her boss, and she was meant to be getting to know him, she decided to be honest. Instead of words she just shook her head and shrugged. There was nothing really she could do, James was a jet-set thing journalist. She was, therefore, the one left changing the diapers. “You need me to make an excuse for tonight?”

“I’ll come for a couple, there is a sweet girl across the hall who has helped me when you’ve called me out in the middle of the night who said she’d look after them for a couple of hours tonight. Then I’ll have to come home.” Not that she really minded. Though LaSalle teased her, she actually didn’t like going out. She had better things to be doing, like being an investigator and a parent. She would live with his teasing if it meant she could be home with her children every single night.

“The perils of being a parent, huh?” Pride teased softly, kissing Millie’s head in the way that all parents did when they were carrying a toddler. Reminding them that they were safe, and that no matter what they weren’t going to be hurt by the adult they were entrusting their safety to. Merri was relieved, in a way, that Millie had taken to Pride so quickly. As it did make her life easier.

“Oh yeah. I never really thought about this before I got pregnant, but here I am, two kids and no real idea what I’m doing.” She had never admitted that to anyone before, but Pride made it so easy for her to just open up and talk about anything that she wanted to talk about. “Come on Monkey, Let’s go pick up Pup shall we?” She used her nicknames for the kids, not really sure why that always made her feel more in control when she was in public. She had told Pride their names only a few minutes earlier. 

“We never get better at that, you’re doing great Brody.” Pride moved to hand Millie back, and the toddler made her displeasure at that known when she yipped then started with the lip trembling as Merri settled her back on her hip and smiled. King then squeezed Merri’s other shoulder then waved to the little one in her arms. “See you this evening. Bye Millie.”

Three days later she finally had the time to move in, and while she stood in the garden watching the last of the movers taking things in, Millie perched in her usual place on Merri’s hip while Ben was running around the garden talking about how big it was and how he loved that he had space to play now. It was a nice, domestic look Merri thought, but the voice that managed to surprise her was not what she’d expected. “You have children?” Loretta Wade didn’t seem angry or mad that Merri hadn’t said anything, just seemingly a little surprised.

“Erm… yeah. I do.” She nodded, smiling as Loretta came up besides her fully and smiled at Millie, who today was not in as happy a mood as she had been before. Merri knew that it was nap time, and Millie was making it known that she was very unhappy about missing it for something as trivial as moving house. Not that anyone would ever be able to sleep with the noise that Ben was making. “This one is Millie and that devil child is Ben.”

“Does Dwayne know?” Loretta asked, clearly concerned that Merri had kept them a secret from everyone. The truth was that even though she had wanted to do that, it never would have been very practical. even though she wanted to never introduce them to the people she worked with, it didn’t seem like that would be something she’d manage to live up to here. Everyone was interested in everyone else's business, and they never really got to have it alone.

“Yeah, it’s in personnel file, but nobody else knows.” She decided that saying that straight out would be easier than someone asking and that being how things got out. As she looked down the garden she spotted Ben and decided that distracting him might be the better idea, seeing if he would come and talk to Loretta could be exactly the gap she needed to regain just a little bit of sanity. “Hey, Benjamin Lathom. Get your butt over here. Say hello to miss Loretta.”

“Hello Miss Loretta.” Ben said dutifully, struggling a little to say her name but giving it a very good try. “Mum, I want to go play with my ball.” Why Ben had picked up calling her mum from James, Merri didn’t know. It had seemed to stick more than mom for him, so she wasn’t going to push it any further. He was too cute when he said things like that that she couldn’t really correct him anyway.

“Fine, but we’re doing your reading when we get inside.” She said, then watched as he ran off kicking his soccer ball over the expanse of green that had come along with her agreement to take on this place. How was Loretta right here as she was moving in? Especially without hearing a car. It didn’t really matter, not as much as explaining why she kept her kids as a secret. “I just… don’t want them part of the three-ring circus that is an NCIS office. They have enough trouble with their absent father and workaholic mother.”

“Dad not in the picture?” Loretta’s question was put politely, and Merri was reminded of Pride asking the same thing. She wasn’t sure that she should keep making excuses for James not spending any time with his children. He had had a hand in creating them, he really should be there to raise them too, but he wasn’t, and she was doing it all alone.

“Not often. My ex-husband… he’s a reporter and being home with his children is too boring a life for him, it seems.” There was bitterness in her voice, but Merri couldn’t help it. “I still love that man, but I rarely like him very much.” James had been her first true love, they had created to wonderful children together. But James had never wanted to settle down fully. Merri hadn’t either, but they were both Irish Catholic, and once she’d been pregnant there was no other way, it had seemed. James had found another way. While she still loved him, wished they could have saved their marriage, most of the time she was angry at him for never being there for Ben and Millie.

“I guess Lathom is his name?” That was a simple question, and Merri suddenly remembered that she’d used Ben's surname when she called him. Neither of the kids had the Brody surname, though she had thought about it for a while. Instead they got their father’s, and when they were old enough to pick for themselves they could decide to change to here's if they wanted to or not. She wanted them to have some sort of connection to their father, even if it really was in name alone. 

“It was my married name, but after the divorce I went back to being a Brody.” Meredith Lathom had never sit right with her, and they’d only been married for 15 months. Their relationship had been far longer, but that 13-months period had been both the best and worst of her life. As she thought about this, she decided she needed to ask Loretta to keep this secret with her. “Do you mind… keeping this between us? Only Pride and you know, and I’m just trying to protect my children.”

“Of course, do you want some help?” No question, no pointing out that she really should tell people, but just an offer to help out. Merri didn’t really know what to think about that at first, but it was nice that someone had offered her the help that she desperately wanted, even though she didn’t know how to ask for it. She couldn’t do this all on her own, even though she was trying, maybe her new friends could help.

“Thanks, Loretta.” Help was exactly what she needed, and not just today. Right now though, unpacking and keeping Ben entertained would be enough. “This is your place, isn’t it?” At the affirmative answer, Merri made a mental note to have words with LaSalle about it. She might thank him for helping her get a place in a much nicer neighbourhood, only a walk from Ben's school, Millie’s daycare and work, but he could have said that it was Loretta who owned it. At least she could trust Loretta not to tell anyone about the children now she’d asked her not to. This was the new beginning she really wanted, and she was still just hopeful.


	3. Carrier

Some days it was harder to do her job than others. This morning seemed to be one of them. Millie had been up half the night grizzly over teething, and Ben had woken up wanting the attention of his mother and nobody else. So of course, it was a weekend and she had to work. She almost couldn't wait for the schools to start up again, just so that Ben would be active and not underfoot every day. Summer also gave the help of a nanny though, and at least it seemed like the kids liked her, and enjoyed having her with them every day. Merri regretted what she was missing, but it couldn't be helped. "Mummy, do you have to go?"

"It's my work baby. I'll be home soon I promise." She brushed a hand through her short hair then knelt down in front of Ben, who was doing his best pout possible. Merri already knew what was coming, it was the same thing that he had complained about almost every day since he'd finished school for the year and he had realised how little Merri could actually be around for them given that she had an entire city to protect. In the four months since they'd moved here permanently, it had become obvious that her work was what pulled her away, and Ben had noticed that too.

"I hate your work here. I wish we were still in Chicago." He grumbled, and as always that stung just a little. Chicago might have been good for Ben, but Merri had been so glad to get out of there, and Millie's chest had loosened up since they'd gotten here, which made Merri think the humidity was making it easier for her too. She tried to make the best choices, but when Ben decided that he'd prefer Chicago she did wonder if she'd done the right thing. This complaint though did seem a little far-fetched.

"I worked just as much in Chicago, Puppy." She replied gently, kissing the top of his head then going to stand up again, making sure her boots were zipped up so that her feet didn't fall out of them, again. That had been embarrassing enough for one morning. Thankfully that had been before Katrine had arrived, and the only witness to it couldn't yet speak. Hopefully, that wouldn't be one of those bizarre memories that Millie always kept. "I'll always have to work, wherever we are."

"It was normally after bedtime though." He continued grumbling, and Merri was now starting to find it a little amusing, which when dealing with her son tended to just make matters worse. He was too much like her for her to really say anything though, and it was too much fun to laugh about his attitude when he wasn't there to throw a tantrum about the fact she was laughing at him. It was cute, and she couldn't help but think it was sweet that he was this grumpy over her having to work.

"I know, I know me working weekends sucks, but I have to do it. I make the city safer for everyone." Sometimes she knew that it was hard for the almost-6-year-old to understand exactly what it was that she did. He knew what cops did, and he knew that agents were a bit like cops, but he didn't understand the distinction any further than that. She liked to try and simplify it where she could, and keeping the city safe was about as simple as she could make it. It was also a thought that Ben would understand.

"Me and Monkey too?" That innocent question made her smile, and she just wrapped her arms around him and held him close for a second. No matter what was happening in the rest of the city, if her children needed her, she would be there in a second. Sure, she'd never been sure about having kids until Ben had made an appearance, and really she'd been less sure when Millie came along, but now she wouldn't change them for the entire world. They were the best part of her day, and she knew that it wasn't ever going to be easy to say goodbye to them to protect everyone else.

"Especially you and Monkey." She kissed his head again, not wanting to stand up again while there was clearly something on Ben's mind. She didn't know if he'd open up about it right now, but she hoped he did. "I would do anything to make you two safe." She finished, stroking his cheek and smiling. She knew that it was hard for him right now and that he was missing James more than ever since he'd gone without calling and speaking to them for a while, but she hoped that she was doing what she could.

Ben tugged her hand when she went to pull away, his favourite way to get her attention when he felt like he needed to be cute, and the look on his face told her that this was going to be exactly what she was thinking. Some observation about James and why he wasn't there. Now he was in school Ben was far more aware of how strange his family life was. "Why isn't daddy here to help? All the other kids have their daddies to help them play and to help their mummies."

"I know they do baby. Your daddy has to do his work too though, and that means he has to go a long way away." She didn't want to just tell him that James couldn't handle the responsibility of being a father. He wanted the fun parts, but he couldn't take the harder parts. He was happy to leave Merri to deal with the harder parts on her own. Looking up and at the clock she realised how late she was running and kissed Ben's head again. "OK I really have to go to work baby, you'll be good for Miss Katrine, yes?"

"I'll be good." He mumbled then ran away to play with whichever of his toys he was going to try and destroy the house with. That was half of her worry, that she'd come home to find that somehow Ben had managed to destroy the house and they'd be asked to leave. Even though Loretta adored the kids, Merri would never blame her if she eventually got fed up of crying babies or Ben being a fairly typical kid.

"Love you, little one." She said as she stood up and kissed Millie's cheek as she was held by the nanny. Katrine was definitely a welcome addition to their home, and with the kids both liking her it made it easier to go to work. It wasn't easy, but it was easy. Millie herself was still chewing on her blanket, and getting that off her to wash was going to be more difficult than Merri cared to think about. "Millie is teething so she's clingy. If I get a break I'll stop by. See you later on, I'll text you if anything changes."

"OK Agent Brody. We'll have fun, won't we Ben?" Katrine asked, but it was obvious that Ben wasn't buying it, or he was still too mad at Merri for going to work to reply. When she made it to the door he waved back at her, but that was the extent of his goodbye this morning. Hopefully the roads wouldn't be too busy today, and she'd be able to make it in before LaSalle so she could have some quiet time before the day went nuts, just like it always did when he arrived, even when they didn't have an active case.

Sure enough, she arrived an hour before him and got to spend that first hour of the day reading a book on the history of New Orleans. That was disrupted, unfortunately, by a case. After LaSalle had started teasing her about it, of course. Going about her work she was always thankful for the time she got alone in the office. "It's always so much quieter when you're not here."

"Saying you want me to go out again?" LaSalle asked as he stopped at the doorway. There were so, so many ways that she could respond to that, but she tried to keep the smile on her face. Despite how often she teased him and how it seemed a little like she was mean to him, she actually liked LaSalle a lot. In some ways she felt like he was similar to Emily and that made her feel at home and safer than she had been in a long time. His humour was just so similar to Emily's, including the way that he teased her back.

"Yes. Only you need to work too so just, can we be quiet today?" She really, really needed for it to be quiet while she was trying to research the background on their dead sailor, along with running something down on one of their less urgent cases. She knew how long some could drag on for, and a case that had been without much investigation for three years deserved a little bit of attention, even if she couldn't give it a lot. It was just what she worked on when things were slow with other cases.

"I'm always quiet, Brody." LaSalle started, and Merri couldn't help but pull a face at him. It didn't seem like he had any idea of how loud he could be most of the time, and that was a definite problem when she was thinking that he needed to  _actually_  be quiet. Merri just watched as he sat down at his desk and turned his computer on while he waited for her to respond. She was still trying to think of exactly how to reply to it.

"You are literally never quiet. I know toddlers quieter than you." Millie, for her part, was quite a quiet toddler. Unlike her brother who had never shut up. Merri wasn't sure if Ben had gotten it from James or Emily, but one of his relatives had given him the volume control of an elephant. So oftentimes LaSalle was much, much louder than her daughter. LaSalle, on the other hand, seemed slightly confused by the comment.

"You know toddlers?" He asked eventually, and that's when Merri realised that she hadn't thought about her words carefully enough, especially given that she was nowhere near ready to let most of her colleagues know about her children. She wanted to keep them away from this world. Away from the danger, away from the death and the destruction. They didn't need to see what their mom did every day, so not telling LaSalle was a better choice.

"A few, back in Chicago." She deflected, hoping that it would be enough to distract LaSalle from thinking too deeply about it. She was going back to her work when, all of a sudden, one of the red lights on the side of the monitor started to flash. She had no idea what that meant, and after a moment she saw it start on the other monitors too. "Whoa, what's this red flashing light thingy?" That was not the most descriptive she had ever been, but her mind was wiped seeing something so unusual.

"What red flashing light thingy?" LaSalle hadn't noticed yet, and Merri wondered how long it was going to keep flashing, while she was thinking about what it could possibly be she hoped that LaSalle noticed. Sure enough a second later he looked at it too and started trying to figure it out too. "You have any idea?"

"There's some kind of biological alert at the lab." Well, of course. That was going to be a bitch and given that they had all been in and out of there recently she had the feeling that it was going to be something they all had to be tested for when things came around. LaSalle got up and started heading to the back before he called over his shoulder. "Call Pride, see what he needs us to do. I'll check out our plans and inform head office."

She decided not to wait and see, so she pulled her phone out and called Pride, he didn't even wait for her to ask what was going on before he announced that their victim had the plague. Her high school history classes reminded her that half of Europe had died from that, though it had been a long time ago. How was there a case now, in New Orleans? "Wait, wait. What. Plague?" As that sunk in she realised that she had no idea what she was supposed to do now. "Where should we go?"

"You and Christopher need to meet me at the morgue for testing." Pride at least sounded calm. Which helped Merri feel a little more in control. He knew what to do, so she'd follow his lead like she always did. "You haven't been home yet, have you?" That hadn't even crossed her mind, and suddenly she was glad that this case had had her all tied up and unable to stop by for a lunch time visit while she was eating today. It meant that the kids hadn't been exposed to it.

"Not since this morning, no. Now I'm not going to until we know we're clear." She was actually a little worried about the kids now, though she knew that they were fine and no doubt safe with Katrine. She hadn't even spoken to them for a while, which she assumed meant that Katrine was keeping them busy, or keeping Ben busy while no doubt Millie was just grizzly still. Merri knew that she was terrible with teething, and Merri hated that she wasn't there with her little girl through this.

"Good, means we don't have to test your kids." Pride had clearly thought it through and Merri had to admit that she was even more comfortable that he had thought about them through. "They're going to vaccinate us too, just to be on the safe side." Well, Merri wasn't sure about that at first, but if it was going to keep them all safe she'd do it. Really though she was worried about carrying it home to the kids.

"I'll be safe… going home right?" She just had to ask it, though judging by the case she wasn't likely to be going home tonight. She needed to finish the case, see it through to make sure that she really didn't have to take her kids, as they would be high targets if someone decided to focus their ire on the NCIS team. "Because I don't want to put anyone in danger." She didn't just mean her children, but her neighbours, her friends, and everyone else who were nearby them.

"Should be, ask the doctors later." That wasn't as reassuring as she had hoped, but Pride wasn't a doctor, and he could only pass on what he'd been told already, no doubt. "It'll be OK Brody." He clearly started trying to actually convince her that things were going to be alright. She could cope with things happening, but something so unusual and so hard to fight against was more terrifying than almost anything else she'd faced.

"What level of worried do you think we should be right now?" It was the only thing she could think to ask, and she hoped that Pride knew that she wasn't talking about just them now, she was talking about the city and, in a wider context, the country. If this was the plague, it was an attack of some sort and she wasn't sure what she could do to stop that from hurting her, hurting the city or hurting her kids. The city had to come first though.

"We do our jobs right, we're a level two." She knew why he said that because there was absolutely no way that their team wasn't going to do their jobs the best way they could. Merri knew that even LaSalle could be serious when it was called for, and there was really little more serious than this kind of a situation.

"I'm going to hold you to that." She looked up and saw LaSalle heading back through, so she knew that it was probably time that they went to meet Pride and the others at the morgue for whatever testing was going to be deemed necessary. "We'll talk later then?" It was the only thing they all needed to focus on right now, then they needed to focus on finding out what was happening.

"See you soon." That response, somehow, always reminded her that no matter what she needed, Pride was always going to be there when she needed him to be. So were LaSalle and the others, even though they didn't know everything that was going on with her. Now she just knew she needed to get through the rest of the night and whatever it would bring. She didn't think any of it was going to be easy for them to get through either.

Eventually, they were cleared, vaccinated and released back to work, and Merri realised that with a trip into the Bayou there was no chance she was going to get home tonight, and she should text Katrine to stay. This was one of the things that she hated about being a working mother and hated even more that she was doing it all on her own. ' _Can you stay tonight? Having to stay at work. Can make other arrangements if necessary.'_

' _I can stay. Millie's already asleep. Ben says he hates you're not home.'_

She wasn't all that surprised to read that her son hated her job, though really she got the feeling that the tantrum Katrine was dealing with was more along the lines of 'I hate my mommy' than him hating her job. Not that she could blame her son, he had been all but abandoned by his father on more than one occasion. ' _Hates me, you mean. I've been through that tantrum about James a dozen times.'_

' _Anything we need to worry about?'_

Sometimes it was easy to tell that Katrine had known Pride for a while, that's how Merri had met her. He'd said he knew a nanny looking for some work, and the kids had loved her. But she knew if Merri wasn't coming home at all that the case was likely serious, and something that could be affecting all of them. ' _No, I don't think so. I just have to go collect a suspect and find some missing sailors'_

' _Nothing to do with this health alert, right?'_

Now that was a more difficult question to answer, and she didn't want to have to explain that this wasn't something that she could actually discuss. Other than what had been released to the media, the rest was classified and as much as Merri wished she could entirely reassure Katrine, she couldn't and that stung because it meant Katrine couldn't reassure Ben, and he was always the troublemaker. ' _Little bit. Hopefully we'll have it all under control by tomorrow.'_

' _Try and stop in in the morning. Millie was a bit tearful.'_

Merri's heart broke reading that her daughter was a little tearful, and though it was more likely because of her teething than missing her mom, Merri also knew that it wasn't easy for her when things weren't going well. Ben was at least old enough to hate her. All Millie was old enough to know was that her mommy wasn't home and that she couldn't get her goodnight cuddle. ' _I'll try. You're a lifesaver, Katrine.'_

' _Pay me like one.'_

She knew that was a joke, one they said to each other often. In fact, Merri didn't even really pay Katrine, other than extras when she had to stay the night. Katrine's pay came almost exclusively from what James sent her every month to make sure that the kids were healthy and being taken care of. He might not be there in person, but he did at least try and provide for his children the best that he could. ' _I'll give you a bonus for tonight, like always.'_

' _See you tomorrow.'_

Merri was glad that Katrine ended it there, because Merri was running low on reserves to stop her from crying in the car as they headed toward the suspect they needed to pick up, and that would definitely lead to LaSalle asking questions that she didn't want and wouldn't answer. All she could think was how she wished she was there to tuck her kids into bed, and how right now she would rather do any job on the planet but this one. ' _Give them a goodnight kiss for me."_

It took almost another full day, but eventually, they had Huffcut arrested and charged, and her report was written and submitted. Even though she lived close she couldn't walk it, and she wasn't sure she could drive it. When she mentioned it to Pride he just grabbed his coat and headed out to the carport. Never had she been more grateful that he knew where she lived, and all about her family situation. "You glad for this to be over?"

"Yeah, thanks for giving me a ride, I am too tired to drive." She had to stifle a yawn and stretch, but she was sure she'd get a surprise second wind by the time she walked through the front door, at least long enough for bath and bedtime. She needed that after the last couple of days. "And I still have to deal with these two. My kids are a handful, but they'll just want to spend time with their mom right now so I'll take it."

"I remember Laurel would be like that after a long case." Merri always loved how proud of his daughter Pride was, and how obvious it came across when he spoke to her about her kids as well. Merri got the feeling from her conversations that Pride would have loved more children, but he only had Laurel and she was his entire world. "Katrine working out for you?"

"She's great, thanks for recommending her. She a friend of Laurel's?" She'd never really pressed how Pride had known her. She knew that Laurel was in her early 20s and in college, while it seemed Katrine had stayed out of college to help with some family care issues that were what made her such an excellent nanny. Given the age crossover, she just assumed that Laurel and Katrine were friends.

"Since childhood, she's a good girl." Pride replied, and Merri was glad that her investigator instincts hadn't steered her wrong on that. As they pulled up outside of her house she just smiled at the lights in the windows, just from the reflections guessing that Millie had them watching something on the TV. "Try and get some sleep, even if it means the kids sleep in bed with you." Pride smiled to her, and Merri just nodded, not wanting to move yet and go into the chaos of her house.

"Oh, they probably will." She actually knew they would, or Ben would, Millie would be in her crib, as she didn't actually like to share with anyone. "You know whenever I get back from a case like this I am just so guilty about the fact I have to leave them alone so long." She sighed softly, not sure why she brought it up right now, but she got the feeling that Pride would understand how that felt.

"You don't leave them alone, they always have someone you trust with them." Pride tried to reassure her, and she knew that logically he was right. But there was no logic to this thought, and it was hard for her to think about it in a way that wasn't quite so negative. She really wanted to know that she was doing the right thing, and sometimes wished that James was still in their lives regularly, if only so he could help out when she had to work.

"I'm just… I wish it were different." Merri knew that this was what she'd signed up for when she'd had kids with a reporter who, even when they were married, hadn't always been the best at sticking around. Even before Emily had died, James had never been the one to hang around. It just got more difficult when Ben had shown up. "They don't have a parent, not their mom..."

"Or their dad. I understand." Pride nodded, and Merri wondered if he had had the same thoughts whenever Laurel had been left with her mother when they were young. "You're a good mom, Brody. You just have an unconventional job. You're doing it well. Now go give them a hug and sleep." Sometimes, she just needed to be told that she was doing the right thing and it made her feel any better.

"Thanks. See you at the boat tomorrow?" She asked, wanting to make sure she had heard it right. Having another day where they could do things without working, getting to know each other, could be fun. But at least it would be calm, at least she was hoping that way. Knowing their jobs, it wouldn't stay that way.

"Katrine having the kids again?" Pride asked as she stood in the door, and Merri shook her head, glad in a way that there was some normality being added again to the kids' lives. Though she was getting excited for Ben being back in school, even if that did mean he was going to be turning six in a couple of weeks. She wasn't really sure she was ready for that milestone to happen.

"Millie is going to daycare, Ben has a playdate." She was glad to have a guilt free day without the kids being with Katrine. Especially knowing that Ben was going to have a great time going out into the swamp with his friends from pre-school. "You can always come in, say hello. I don't think you've met Ben yet?" She was alright with Pride meeting Ben too, since he'd met Millie a few times now.

"Another time, I should go get sleep too." He responded then smiled, sitting back as she shut the door then shouting through the open window. "Goodnight Brody." She then waved him off before turning and heading up to the house, she was actually finding herself more and more excited now to see her kids, and then just go and collapse into bed with her. She was so tired, but she'd done good.


	4. Breaking Brig

What was it with this car trip into Alabama and her being questioned about her history. Since she'd listed the places that just hadn't felt like home to her LaSalle had seemed to be trying to work out in his mind where she'd worked and how long she'd actually been in NCIS. She'd sworn Pride to secrecy, and she hadn't confirmed her service or even her year of birth just to make it harder for him to figure it out. "How many offices have you worked at, Brody?" He questioned, and she was glad that that would just make it harder for him to work out.

"Six, maybe seven. Long term anyway." Sometimes she forgot that, and she never knew if she should count her stints on the  _Moultrie_  and in Afghanistan among those. She normally didn't, even though she'd done nearly 6 months on both. Then there were all her 'in between' offices where she'd serve for a week or two then move on. "A couple dozen as relief. I was basically a float before Chicago."

"What kept you in Chicago?" Pride was the one who asked her that, and she was a touch surprised since he knew why she'd settled there. She'd had a toddler and had just needed to stay in one place for a while. It was also not long before she found out she was pregnant with Millie, which had made her desire to stay in one place even more urgent. Though she'd still wanted to run before long, and that was how she'd ended up here six months earlier.

Trying to think of reasons that weren't 'I was a single mom' was more difficult than she imagined, but she was nowhere near ready for LaSalle or anyone else to learn about her kids, so she said the first things that came to her mind even though they were a little vague. "Friends, the job. It never ends there." There was little difference in that sense between Chicago and New Orleans, though the temperature here was definitely a more suited to her tastes. It was hopefully a sign that she'd stay here too, if she had her way, longer than she'd stayed in Chicago. Especially since Ben would be in school in two years.

"Sounds like here." LaSalle commented almost the moment it had gone through Merri's mind too, though she didn't respond immediately. It was only when the next question was addressed to her that she dragged her attention back to the conversation about her reasons for coming to New Orleans, or more specifically, about leaving Chicago. "You miss it?" He asked quietly, and Merri thought about that for a moment. Sometimes she missed her friends, or the other people she had known in Chicago. But overall she didn't miss it at all.

"Chicago? No. I like it more here." New Orleans had just felt like a better fit immediately for her. There was the history and the importance of her job. Then there was the food, which even Ben had made obvious that he preferred here. Millie's health had been better since they moved here too, and maybe her underdeveloped lungs wouldn't be as much of a problem. Again, things that she wasn't going to mention to LaSalle, but she was fairly sure that Pride would be able to read through the lines. "Weather suits me better, and the food."

"You do seem to like the heat, Brody." LaSalle chuckled and shook his head a little. Merri wondered a second if he was mocking her but decided she was just going to take it at face value. There were plenty of other things from this conversation that he could have latched onto and hadn't. Plus being any more specific would open her up to questions that she wasn't at all ready for. It was hard enough answering them to Pride most of the time.

"Not really the heat, the humidity is lovely though." That's what she had been told was the root of Millie's improved lung function, anyway. That and the general increase in temperature since she wouldn't be as susceptible to colds here. Though she had heard that the colds tourists brought and left could be particularly nasty. Maybe she'd make sure that Millie avoided the Quarters more touristy parts in the winter, just to be certain. Then she realised she was making a plan, something she hadn't been sure she would. Didn't quite mean that this city was becoming home, just that she was thinking it could be long term. "Still not sure if it's home yet, though."

"What aren't you sure about?" Pride chimed in again, and Merri was starting to feel just a little bit ganged up on. When she decided that New Orleans was home she'd let them all know, but questioning her before then wasn't actually going to help her make up her mind any faster. The fact that Ben had liked his kindergarten and Millie loved her daycare told her that there was a good chance that this was going to become home. That could all be decided when she felt at home though, and that was possibly only going to happen after James had paid his first visit.

"I've not even been here a full six months." In a way, she kind of wanted to remind them both what she'd said only a few minutes earlier. She was the type of person who didn't settle often, and when she did she needed a solid, unarguable reason for why she was staying in that one place. Really she knew that to a responsible parent her kids would be the reason that she settled down somewhere, but unless she was totally comfortable somewhere she knew that she wasn't going to be able to settle, no matter how hard she tried.

"Come on, it's August!" LaSalle sounded as though, to him, that was an eon. Maybe it was to people who were able to settle, but to her that had barely been time to get all her boxes here. She hadn't even started to fully unpack and that could take even longer. If she got to the end of unpacking and she was still here, she'd found somewhere that she had decided to stay. It was likely that Merri wouldn't even now herself that she'd decided until that point.

"I didn't move here full time until nearly the end of April! Give me time to settle. When I've unpacked, I'll know whether or not I'm staying." She hoped that that would put an end to their discussion, especially since they were nearing where they should be stopping and looking for the place where they were hoping to catch one of their escapees. "Isn't that where we're going?" She pointed, just trying to distract attention.

The rest of the case had continued in much the same way, until she'd somehow been grabbed by their last remaining suspect. Nash hadn't wanted to let go, and for the first time since she'd had Ben Merri realised that her life was actually in danger. She could feel Nash's fingers against her pressure point, and she knew that it would only take one wrong move for it to be lights out for her. Thankfully, Pride was an amazing shot, and before she even really had time to process it all Nash was falling away and she was free. She even managed to lie to Pride when he asked if she was OK, because the real answer would not be what he wanted to hear.

A call from Loretta saying she should stay at the office and decompress for the evening with her team and that she'd spend the evening with the kids helped Merri put her head straight again, which was exactly what she needed right now. The feeling of Nash's fingers were still hovering on her neck, causing her to shiver slightly as she thought about it. So she tried to take her mind off it. Bugging Pride and LaSalle, trying to cook, having a beer. She was trying, but she could tell they both saw through it. When LaSalle nodded to Pride and said his goodnight's, she knew she was in for questioning.

Sure enough, as soon as LaSalle was out of the doors and had disappeared into the crowds walking toward Jackson Square Pride was stood in front of her, hands on his hips watching her as she, once again, tried to play it cool. "You really doing OK?" She knew she was rumbled, and for a second she felt like she needed to keep up her charade of being fine, of knowing how to get through it. Merri knew that that wasn't going to hold up much longer, and she really needed to focus on moving past it, and getting the help that she needed to do that, even if it was just being reminded that everyone was there for her.

"Yes and no, mostly no." That was a start, wasn't it? She wasn't sure how to open up like this, but she also knew that for her own sake it was better if she did. For one thing it would help Pride realise if she needed anything more than just support and reassurance, though she had always hated her after-action psyche evals and had never really been honest in any of them. She knew the to work the system, and she was going to keep doing that until she was ready. Telling Pride though, she could do that, she hoped. "Really all no right now."

"Where are the kids?" He asked softly, and she smiled at his concern for her children. That was one of the reasons that she was glad that he had always known about them. He showed her that, at times, she should ask more of James but she just didn't have the heart. Pride also, possibly, thought that maybe her ex had shown up to do some of his parental duties, but Merri was going to have to shoot down any hopes of that, because that wasn't really James style and Merri wasn't sure that she'd leave him with Millie yet anyway.

"Loretta, she called me after she heard what happened and said I should stay here and that she'd stay with them." She was also certain that Ben and Millie would love that. They both adored Loretta, and she could get them to do things that most of the time Merri could dream about. Loretta was definitely like the aunt they didn't have, and since they'd settled here Merri was so grateful for Loretta help and friendship. She was a great influence on them, certainly better than most she'd known in Chicago. "I don't know… how to process any of this."

"Merri." Pride started, coming and standing beside her and putting a supporting hand on her shoulder. She needed that contact, and that surprised her as she normally hated to be touched by anyone other than her children. Pride seemed to already be an exception to that rule, and right now he was giving her support that she wasn't sure she'd be able to survive without. "Talk about it." They were simple words, and Merri wanted to yell at him for trying to make it too simple. But what if it was that simple? She took a deep breath and focused.

Shaking her head she still thought this was a stupid thought, but as soon as she opened her mouth she realised that it wasn't, and that she trusted Pride more than she'd even known. "This was the closest I've come to something happening to me since I've had them, and I don't know how I feel." She really didn't, she wasn't particularly afraid for her herself, she had a dangerous job and she knew that things can and did go wrong, but she was worried about the kids. "I don't even know what would happen to them."

"Their father would get them, surely?" Pride's question reminded her of exactly how unsure she was about James' place in her life and their children's lives. She actually didn't know what he'd do if something happened to her. That probably meant that they would go to her parents by default. Even though Olivia had disagreed with Merri having Millie and raising Ben alone, she did adore her grandchildren, so at least there was less worry there. It should be James, but Merri just wasn't sure it ever would be.

"Honestly… I'm not sure if he would." She said quietly and shook her head. Though Pride knew that she and James weren't together any longer, obviously, she'd never really spoken to anyone about it. To understand her reservations about what James would and wouldn't do, she would need to tell Pride exactly what it was that had happened with her ex, and for the first time she thought that she was actually in the right place to do that. "I don't think I ever told you what went on there."

"No, you didn't." He confirmed, and Merri took a breath ready to start . Pride it seemed didn't want to make her relive something that she wasn't quite ready to do it after all. "You don't have to if you don't want to." He tried to let her off and she had to smile at that. It was sweet of him but now that she'd thought about talking about it she wasn't sure that she could hold it all in, and she didn't have anyone else that she could just lay it all out for.

"I really should because I need to tell someone or I'm going to explode, and it's not as though I can tell the kids." She knew that James wasn't the best father in the world and he'd been a worse husband, but in a part of her mind she still loved him and she didn't want to talk badly about him to their children. She still wanted them to be able to learn about James on their own terms as they grew up. "I've been holding this in for… well since Millie was conceived pretty much."

"Merri. Calm." Pride held his hands out a little then took hold of both of her shoulders and smiled supportively. She took a deep breath and tried to focus on him for a moment, and think about her breathing. The only problem with talking about all this was that she had to mentally relive things she normally liked to bury. She wasn't going to talk about them right now, not directly, she could just mention one in passing and ignore the other until she was ready to talk about them.

Another deep breath and she smiled a little sadly, trying to work out exactly where she should start this conversation, because it wasn't the easiest thing. "We lost someone important to us, just a few months before I got pregnant with Ben." That was the easiest way to say it, because she really didn't want to say 'my sister died and she was his best friend' because that made it seem far too real. "We'd gone through with the wedding because we thought we had too, and that was pretty much the worst idea ever."

"What happened?" Pride asked quietly, clearly he realised that this was not the easiest thing for her to talk about. It really wasn't going how she had expected already, but she wanted to explain that it wasn't because anything specifically had happened, it was actually that nothing happened. They were both too busy grieving and how they were managing that just weren't compatible at the time. Now she was fairly sure James was too guilty to stay, and she was too comfortable without seeing him for him to stay away.

"We loved each other, don't get me wrong. We still do in truth. But we both processed our grief very differently, and when Ben was born it was too much for James." She remembered how that had gone, and while she'd been excited to see their son, James had just been broken again. Merri had seen the struggle to process everything in him then, and she shouldn't have pushed him, but she had. Hindsight was 20/20, and there was so much about her marriage she would change if she could. "He left on an assignment because he was worried about what he'd do if he didn't."

"What does he do?" That was the question that often lead to even more questions, especially about why he didn't come back to where Merri and his kids were between assignments. Though, in truth, Merri wasn't sure James had had a 'between assignments' in about 3 years. She was a workaholic, and she often took files and reports home to work on while the kids were asleep, but at times James made her look like she stayed at home. He worked obsessively, and she didn't remember him taking a day off when there was an important story to cover, not in the whole 11 years now that she'd known him.

"He's a photojournalist. A good one." She had seen his articles, how he wrote, what he did. She knew there was a reason he always worked. He was sought after and that was how he managed to send her enough to keep the kids well cared for on top of what she earned. At the same time though, it wasn't the same as having their dad around, and she did wish that they had that. "But it doesn't give him much chance to settle."

"So Ben came while you were married, what about Millie?" That was always a good question, and something that Merri was never really sure to talk about. In this situation though she knew that she needed to talk about the circumstances around Millie's conception, as that was a huge part of what her issues with James were now. Also the root of a lot of her mother's problems with her decisions over the last few years. Honestly, Merri couldn't blame her. Now that she had a daughter of her own she could only imagine her reaction if Millie did the same thing her mother had done.

"Millie was unplanned, as unplanned as you can get." She admitted after a few seconds, not proud of it, but not regretting her daughter for even a second. "James used to visit more than he does now. He was working with the Washington Post then and was in the country more." That had always mad parenting an easier job, since he'd started taking more overseas assignments, or when he'd stay in the UK for months at a time, that was what had made this more difficult. "When Ben was asleep we'd… relive old times. In the middle of 2012 that led to Millie."

Pride seemed to be trying to work the maths out on that one, and Merri didn't blame him. She hadn't explained it the most clearly she could have done. "So you were broken up?" He concluded, and Merri just nodded. They weren't even recently divorced at the point in time that Millie had been created, they'd been divorced more than 2 years and had a three year old, but that hadn't stopped them spending the night together and creating another little life they were responsible for.

"We were officially divorced in 2010, and I wouldn't say we fell out of love but now I'm more annoyed at him than anything. Especially when it comes to Ben." The one thing Merri hated was that at Ben seemed to think that this was all his fault, and there was no good way to convince a six year old that it wasn't his fault. She wished that James was around more just for him. "But that's why I don't know if James would take them."

"Merri if anything happened to you the kids would be taken care of until their father or your parents arrived. They wouldn't be left to fend for themselves." That was one of the nicest things anyone had said to her in a very long time, and she couldn't help but tear up a little at that. The only thing that would make her think about leaving this job was uncertainty or danger for her children, and she was making sure that that wasn't going to happen, no matter what she wasn't going to let something happen to them.

"Thanks."She heard the catch in her voice and was sure that Pride would catch it too. It mean that much to her that her friend had offered to care for her children in the event something serious happened to her. It was the kind of reassurance that she'd needed for a long time. Even back in Chicago she hadn't had anyone who was that forthcoming or involved enough to offer that. had she really fit in more in a few months here than in more than three years in Chicago? That was a question for another time.

At that moment Pride pulled her to standing and then pushed her in the direction of the doors. Merri herself wasn't sure she could make it home in her current state, but it seemed like, as usual, Pride had realised that and was being the good friend that he nearly always was. He really cared about his agents and, even to Merri, that was sometimes a rare quality. "Come on, I should take you home."

She gratefully got into his car and just smiled a little as he drove her home. In truth she could get used to someone treating her like this when she had a hard day at work, but she probably shouldn't. When she got home she was still going to have two excited children that she had to deal with. Thankfully when they got back, Pride slipped out of the car and headed up to the house with her. As soon as they were through the door Ben barrelled toward them, but as soon as he saw Pride his attention was completely diverted. "King, King!"

"Hey buddy, what you still doing up?" Pride asked, scooping the little boy up and holding him up. Whenever Merri saw him like that she could see how good a dad he must have been when his daughter was small. She hadn't really thought that much about it, but he had a real affinity for kids, and that had come in handy on a couple of their cases. More than that it had started to become helpful when he stopped by her home, as Ben had fallen in love with him early on.

"I wanted to see my mummy." Ben said quietly, without making even a small move toward her. Merri just chuckled a little and rubbed his back as she passed him to start slipping her jacket and shoes off. Looking up the stairs she could almost imagine Millie actually behaving like a good toddler and being asleep, while Ben was not being. Though, given how much she'd worked recently she didn't blame him for wanting to see her before he went to sleep.

"Sorry, Merri, but he just wouldn't go down until you came home." Loretta apologised, and Merri really just felt bad that Ben had done this on a night when her childminder wasn't the one taking care of them. Katrine had gotten used to Ben's misbehaviour, and how Millie liked to try and copy it, though at only 15-months she really didn't have the stamina yet. "Millie was trying to stay up too, but she fell asleep about half an hour ago."

"It's fine, but  _someone_  will be tired in the morning." She started, and she thought that she would probably have to go into work and fill in all the paperwork she owed after today, at the very least. None of this was entirely her fault, but there was still going to be a tonne of paperwork that she'd have to file before she was passed as being 'fit' from being held in a compromised position. "See you at work tomorrow."

As soon as she said that she caught the look on Loretta's face that told her, her friend was clearly not fond of that idea, and almost immediately Pride spoke, reassuring Loretta and convincing Merri that maybe she didn't need to worry all that much about going into work after a day like the one she'd just had. "Don't worry, I'm giving her tomorrow off." She still didn't want to think about what almost happened to her today, but she thought that it was going to live in her mind for a while.

"Pride, I gotta work." She knew that having one day off wasn't going to hurt her, in fact it would be good for her, but somehow she still hated the idea that she needed to have time off, that she wasn't able to do everything that she wanted to do. She knew that wasn't the best thing and she needed to let go of the control she craved, that was the more difficult part of this kind of a situation.

"It's a Saturday, and after today Vance would want me to give you a week off, you settle for the weekend and come in on Monday." He seemed like he wasn't going to let her negotiate this one down, and thought she wanted to work, having a weekend home with her kids sounded perfect, and she had been missing them more than usual lately. Ben would love having her undivided attention, and Millie would just be happy to have someone with her all the time. Merri then showed Loretta out, thanking her again for taking the children.

When she returned to where Pride and Ben were stood, Merri momentarily wished that she'd been at the door a few moments longer. Her son had apparently decided that Pride was her boyfriend, and that was going to make life awkward for a few minutes. "King, will you be here when I wake up tomorrow?" Ben asked, and Merri could already feel the blush rising in her cheeks. Her boss was about to learn far more about her personal life than he wanted to know.

"I don't think so bud, why?" Oh no, did he really need to ask for clarification on that. Merri knew that this was not going to end well for her in the end. Even if nothing was said directly, it was always going to be in the back of his mind, these things that Ben told him about his mom were definitely not things that a boss needed to know. Luckily the fact that Ben was still very young would hopefully temper some of that.

"Sometimes mummy's boyfriends are still here in the morning." Ben continued, and Merri went about busying herself with the clothes and shoes that she'd dumped when she came in, desperately wanting for the world to come and swallow her up and save her from being an unwitting character in this conversation. Clearly Ben was enjoying having someone to talk to about this, and that worried Merri even more than the actual conversation did.

"Mommy's boyfriends, huh?" Pride just sounded amused, and Merri was taking that as a good sign. Maybe he wouldn't be completely scared away from even being her friend by Ben's comments. Especially as Merri knew that Pride was still trying to save his marriage if he could. She knew how hard that could be, probably more than almost anyone else did, she also knew the stakes when it didn't work, though Laurel was at least an adult in her own right.

"Not since we moved here, but when we were in Chicago her boyfriend's stayed all the time." Of course Ben would remember that about them living in Chicago. Not about anything else. He remembered that her boyfriend's were there in the morning. "You're always nice to her and bring her home. Are you mummy's boyfriend." Apparently he also remembered that they weren't always that nice to her, and that made her frown a little and decide it was time the conversation ended and bedtime happened.

"Hey, stop badmouthing me now and go to bed, I'll come tuck you in in a minute." She laughed, plucking him out of Pride's arms and settling him on the floor, when she went to tickle him Ben ran away and up the stairs as fast as he could. At that she stood up again and turned back to Pride, though she could still feel the redness in her cheeks. "Sorry about that he… I dated a few guys when Millie was littler and Ben probably saw more than he should have."

"You don't have to explain." he stopped her before she said any more than that. It wasn't even that anyone was abusive to her, she wouldn't have ever stood for that, but there were harsh words and arguments that were more common than they should have been given that she had small children in the house. "I'm more concerned he thinks I'm your boyfriend because I'm nice to you." Pride had picked up on that, and all Merri could actually do was nod and shrug. What else could she actually say?

"Given he has James and the firefighters, cops and agents of Chicago to hold you up against… he probably thinks being nice makes you a good candidate." That was the truth of the situation. She knew that if there were changes to their position, she and Pride would match up very well. Right now though, he was her boss and it would be inappropriate, but she wasn't above saying that. "If you weren't my boss, and were actually single, it probably would."

"If we all lived another life, right?" Pride said, and all Merri could do at that was nod. She didn't know what that other life would be like, but it probably existed somewhere out there in the multiverse. She had never experienced it, but she would one day she hoped. Though she did quite like this universe. She didn't do too badly in it.

"Yeah. Thanks for today, Pride. All of it, the saving me, the pep talk… and the putting up with my son when you brought me home." She had to thank him for all of that, especially since Ben and been being such a meddle when they got there. She was never sure if she was getting the balance right. She felt that she probably wasn't, but she wished that she was.

"Merri, he's a good kid. So is Millie. You're doing a great job, be proud of it." That was another thing that she just sometimes needed to hear, because she had no idea if she was doing the right thing. Given that Pride had already raised a daughter, he was the kind of person who knew what they were saying, and he wouldn't lie to her. Merri could trust his word, so she did.

"I seem to be saying it a lot, but thanks." She then looked toward the stairs and smiled a little more before nodding and looking back to Pride. "I'd better go tuck him in before he comes to find us again."

"The jobs of a mommy never cease. See you Monday." Pride said, pulling his keys out of his pocket and turning to head toward her front door. She was glad that they had managed to survive through this, and she was glad that Ben had taken her tickle threat seriously and had stayed in his bed.

"Stop by before then if you want to bring some food over." Pride's cooking so far was saving the lot of them, as she always stole the leftovers when she could. Outright asking him for them seemed less sneaky. Though she was pretty sure that he had noticed by now that his things were going missing and coming back with her.

"I'll think about that." Pride returned the tease before closing the door behind him. She watched him for a second before locking up and turning the lights off. She may as well go and work on files in her bedroom once she'd tucked Ben in. Or maybe for once she'd actually be able to try and get some sleep. Maybe that would be the upside of almost being killed. She'd be tired enough to sleep. First though, she had a misbehaving son to deal with.


	5. The Recruits

The morning had begun as so many did, fighting Ben into clean clothes for school and trying to convince Millie that she did actually need her diaper. Ben seemed to be loving being in first grade, and Merri was actually happy that he was enjoying it, and that he was making friends. Her worry had been that since they moved around so much he wouldn't be able to make friends as easily. That certainly didn't really seem to be a problem after all. "When will Millie come to school, mum?" Well, that wasn't the question she'd expected to be starting the day with.

"When she's bigger, she's only 1 and a bit." Merri replied, keeping a hand on Millie's diaper while she tried to grab the pants she'd laid out to one side. Keeping her daughter in just a diaper was one of the hardest things possible. She hated diapers, but quite liked clothes. It was too warm for anything but her leggings and a dress though. The last thing the needed was Millie overheating and getting sick again.

"My birthday is next year now, right?" It was, obviously, Ben's morning for asking all the questions he could think of. Merri didn't really mind, as it was quite nice to see him engaging at all. He'd been a little distant over the last week, and she was pretty certain that it was because James had missed his birthday, again. While her son didn't say that, he was old enough now that he did get sad that James wasn't there.

"Yes, and you'll be seven." She actually, in so many ways, didn't believe that her son was already six. It did remind her that it was a bad time of the year, as his birthday was so close to the anniversary of Emily's death. Merri tried not to focus on the fact that he had never met his aunt Emily, and instead focus on the fact that Ben and Millie came out of that mess giving her the best people she could ever imagine having.

"Mummy… When is Millie's birthday?" Ben asked again looking at the calendar on her phone. She scrolled back to April and showed him the date that had 'Millie's birthday' written underneath it. It was the first time that that had been in there. How did she already have kids that were growing up, that was the downside of having kids, they had to grow up.

"It's in April, remember? Look here it is." She smiled watching Ben as he then nodded and looked at Millie, who was already well on her way to getting the diaper off again while Merri was talking to her brother. "Hey, Millie you need to leave your diaper on honey because we have to go out." She spoke to her daughter, hoping that by paying a little attention to her daughter she would leave the diaper on.

"So next year she'll be 2. Are these all other people's birthday's" Ben was now sat on the toilet scrolling through Merri's phone. She was fine with that though, as it gave her chance to finally get Millie's leggings on so that she'd stop playing with her diaper. She'd hoped that Ben would be done with his questions, but after a few minutes she picked her daughter up as Ben started talking again. "It'll be a long time before she's in school then."

Merri was trying not to get annoyed by Ben's questions, but she wasn't the best in the morning, no matter how old she got she still hated mornings. Something that didn't seem to phase Ben at all. "Yes, she has daycare though, and we're all going to be late." Maybe she needed to resign herself to that, today they were all going to be a little late. She was going to be very late if Ben's teacher needed to talk about anything. Merri hoped beyond hope that that wasn't going to happen, and maybe the fact they were going to be late would stop that.

"Daycare's not like school though, is it?" He continued, though at least this time he was talking while he walked through toward his bedroom. Merri stopped long enough to grab Millie's dress before putting her in the playpen in her bedroom and following Ben through to make sure he actually put real clothes on. That was sometimes more of a problem than she would like to admit.

"Not really no." She said then realised he still had hold of her phone and that it was lighting up as if she was getting a call. "Hey give me my phone back and go get ready for school." She took it out of his hand and looking at the caller ID before she started walking toward the doorway, frowning at the name that came up. Of course he was calling now, and that meant it was going to make her mad.

"Is that your work calling again?" Ben asked as he pulled up his pants. Merri had made to answer the call so James could hear this snippet of the family life he was missing out on because he never made time to come home and visit them all. It was petty and childish, but Merri couldn't resist it, and at this point in her life she didn't really care if it made James feel sad or guilty.

"I think so Pup, yes." She lied, not wanting her son to know that it was his father calling when she knew it was never going to work well before he needed to go to school. "Why don't you go put your shoes on. I'll be down with her in a minute. Give Monkey her juice. I'm just going to get dressed too." Another lie, but Ben was just happy she was trusting him to do something, as soon as she was sure Ben was out of earshot she started on James. "If you're calling to say you can't come this weekend I swear I'm going to have someone hunt you down and shoot you."

"I'm stuck in Eastern Europe on an assignment." He replied, and that voice almost made it hard for her to be mad at him. Almost. This situation her anger and disappointment that James had done exactly what she had expected him to do made it impossible for even his usual charm to get him off the hook, and it would work even less on Ben when he was finally told. She needed to prepare herself for another week of having the clingiest son on the planet.

"James, you promised him you'd be here. You already missed his birthday." She left the implication unspoken, he'd missed another of Emily's anniversaries. Another year had passed where they hadn't seen each other or spoken about the elephant in the relationship. Eventually they were going to have to face the emotional impact of Emily's death and what it had meant for each of them, but Merri could accept they didn't need to do it right now.

"I know. I'm a terrible father but I have to work, you know that." She wasn't going to argue that he wasn't a terrible father. Sure, he could be a lot worse than just being absent, but that didn't mean he was a good father. It just meant that some others did it in a different way. At least James did have the decency to sound apologetic. "Sorry, MB."

"Don't say sorry to me, call your son tonight and say sorry to him, he's the one you're letting down." 'Again', she didn't say it. How desperately she wished he wasn't this unreliable. She just wanted him to be there for their children. "I had to lie to him about this being a call from work so he didn't get excited." It was all coming out now without her having all that much say in it. "You never even met your daughter."

"I know, I know. I'm an arsehole MB, you don't have to keep reminding me. I want to meet Millie." At least he remembered her name. That was more than she'd expected at first. Despite how absent he was, he did have some plus points, and if he could just  _be there_  she knew he'd be an amazing father and he would be so loved by their kids. "I miss him like crazy, Merri. I do, but I just can't get away."

"You can never get away." She snapped, fed up of hearing those words. She felt like she could never get away, but that hadn't stopped her stepping up and raising their children. Single parents chose to prioritise their children, and she wondered if others were ever bitter at the other parent. Right now though, she just wanted James to be the one to tell his son that he wouldn't be there this weekend. "Like I say, you call him and you tell him tonight, you're not telling him now as I have to go to work and he needs to get to school."

"Fine. I do love you all, you know that?" James always ended his calls that way. Telling her that he loved her and the kids. She was sure that was true too, but she wasn't sure what else she believed for the moment other than that she needed for him to be there more.

"Then show it." She bit back before hanging up, she then took a breath and quickly dressed before grabbing Millie out of the playpen in her room and heading down the stairs to where Ben was struggling with his shoelaces. Once she'd finally got them all sorted and off for the day she drove to work and tried to focus on what was coming in the day ahead. They didn't have a urgent case right now, so while Pride and LaSalle were working on a theft she was reviewing their cold case archive.

She couldn't help but slam the car door when she arrived, and she was fairly sure that her stomping around and general annoyance this morning said that she probably wasn't one to be messed with. She was trying to calm though, and to get James' face out of her mind so she stopped wanting to punch anyone who she saw. That would not work well at work. Clearly LaSalle picked up on her mood and decided to do the least helpful thing. "Someone's in a bad mood this morning?"

"Awkward phone call before I left the house, I'll get over it." Merri needed to get over it, but whether she actually would in good time of not was yet to be seen. Every time she thought about the kids, which was often, she got a white-hot flash of rage about James' stupid face. Taking another breath she shook her head and sighed softly. "What have we got today?" She asked, deciding that focusing on work would probably be a better idea.

"Well, you should meet Laurel, she's Pride's daughter." LaSalle nodded to the young woman who was stood in the doorway to the kitchen. Upon seeing her Merri's face split into a smile, and she I fairly sure that that was what gave her away as a mom sometimes. She couldn't help but having that smile on her face when she was introduced to someone else's kid, even if that kid was an adult themselves.

"Oh, hi. I've heard a lot about you! Call me Merri, only him and your dad call me Brody." Not that she'd told them, but she actually hated being called by just her surname. She always had because she'd never really gotten used to being Lathom, then when she changed back she wasn't used to hearing Brody anymore. Now it was just wrong no matter what she was called.

"I've heard a bit about you too, mostly from Chris though." Somehow that made her feel a little better, because at least she wasn't going to blame all of a sudden that she had kids in front of LaSalle if he was who she'd gotten her information from. "I'm just here to see my dad but I thought I'd hang around and annoy Chris before I saw him."

"You ain't never gonna annoy me that much Laurel," LaSalle replied, and Merri couldn't help but laugh a little at the dynamic between the two of them. In some ways, they reminded her of James and Emily, though they had been the same age and nearly all the teasing had been about the fact that James was British.

"We'll see about that when I start talking about sports," Laurel said and turned her attention back to LaSalle, walking around his desk and giving Merri the chance to get herself situated. At least this was better than remaining angry at James for the rest of the day, which had been looking like a legitimate problem.

"This is where I go and check my emails." Merri chuckled a little, sliding into her chair behind her desk and trying to ignore Laurel and LaSalle, though she answered their questions when asked. She was a little embarrassed at her lack of school pride. For her Michigan State had just been the first step in the rest of her life, not something she wanted to think about forever and root for for forever.

Then they, of course, had to catch a case at a college. The last thing Merri had needed when she was suddenly thinking about her own time in college and about how she'd not seen her and Emily's friends in such a long time. Making a mental note to email them, all except for Daniel, she had focused on the case, but walking over to the college as they were realising that maybe their witness wasn't just a witness. Walking to interview her friend again she couldn't help but think these girls were probably a little too similar for Pride. "I guess this kind of case is hard, they are so close to Laurel's age."

"Any case with kids is hard, I'm sure you know that by now." He didn't really need to point that out, but he was right. She knew how difficult it could be when you could put your own child in the place of the victim or of the witness or, occasionally, even the suspect. Those were the hardest. Whenever she saw boys brought up by just their moms she ended up worried that Ben might be that guy one day. She hoped she wasn't screwing him up that much though.

"I'm beginning to realise that. Cases like this weren't as hard when I only had Ben. Now that I have Millie as well though I think more about it." Merri didn't like admitting that to him, or to herself really, but it was true. Things were different now she had a daughter too. They hadn't been so much her worries when she only had Ben. "Girls are different than boys. They never tell you that, but they are."

"I'll have to take your word for that." Pride sounded just a touch bitter about that, and Merri wondered silently if maybe he'd wanted more children. It wouldn't have surprised her, he was so good with kids and had stepped in to be almost a surrogate father's for her kids in the months since she'd moved here.

Thinking about the difference in her worries though, it was so strange that the fears were so different, but when you were on the front line of it you couldn't not notice the trends. "With boys you worry about fighting, about gangs and violence. You worry about them being the problem and then you worry about them getting into dangerous things as they grow up." She still worried about that, though admittedly she worried about that less here than she had in Chicago. "With girls you worry about everything else. You worry about them being taken advantage of. It's not right, but when you work this job it's what you think."

"I know all the worries with the girls, but I never really thought much about what it would be like with a boy." Merri nodded at Pride's words and didn't blame him for not thinking about it. She wasn't even sure if the worry would be the same if she only had one. "At least you can protect them from themselves when they are small." Wasn't that the truth.

"If we could keep them small it would change the world." She joked, thinking about how she'd love to keep Millie at the age she was now. At the same time though, Millie was a calm baby in comparison to what 17 months old Ben had been like. Ben had been a terrible baby and hadn't started sleeping through the night until he was three. Millie had been sleeping through the night since they'd moved to New Orleans.

"It would, but it's great to see them growing up too." Pride made the point on the other side of what she'd been thinking about. She was excited to see what her children grew up to be, but at the same time she just desperately wanted to keep them where she could protect them forever. "I wouldn't change a thing about Laurel, she's grown up to be a great young woman."

"Who clearly enjoys winding LaSalle up." Merri laughed, remembering the two of them earlier, and hoping that LaSalle was having luck with his informant. Thinking about that Merri had to wonder what they'd be like when they were older. Really though, with James behaviour, kids that didn't need shrinks was about the most she could hope for. "I just want Ben and Millie to have a chance to grow up, and not need an absolute tonne of therapy because of their father."

"James causing problems?" That question threatened to open a can of worms that Merri wasn't sure she wanted to unleash on Pride, but she needed to talk about it with somebody and there was nobody else that she could complain to who could understand even partially how she was feeling.

"He was meant to be here this weekend. It was Ben's birthday at the beginning of the month, six, and James missed it." That was not unusual, but for some reason she was still angry about it every time that it happened. "So he said he'd come this weekend then, this morning, he calls me and says that he's stuck on assignment in Eastern Europe." It likely wasn't an excuse and he was stuck, but she still felt like it was an excuse in so many ways. "Ben was so excited to see his did, and now he's not going to and who knows when James will  _actually_  turn up. Millie is 17 months old and James still hasn't even met her."

"That can't be easy on any of you." Pride said quietly and nodded, Merri did feel better after saying it all though, and that helped her centre herself. She thought more about how hard it actually could be to balance all of this since she needed to try and do it all on her own.

"It's really not. Well, for Ben. Millie never had a father so she doesn't miss it. Ben though…" She trailed off and shook her head a little, but maybe it would at least answer one mystery from her mind. "Maybe that's why he's so desperate to connect with you. He has so few male role models."

"Merri, I'll be there for him if he needs someone. I promise you that. He's a good kid." Pride's reassurance that Ben actually was a good kid and, by implication, she was doing a good job raising him was exactly what she needed. Then he sighed a little and looked to the door, going to head in. "Let's get on with this." He muttered, and Merri had to think about that for a moment, not wanting to deal again with teenage prostitutes and people who seemed to hate women. This was the job though, and she would do it.

The case was not the easiest one, to solve, but when it was over and after the funeral Merri went back to work with LaSalle, leaving Pride to do whatever it was he did when he'd finished his share of the work. LaSalle, it seemed, had found his new thing to tease her about. "Do you react that way when anyone flirts with you?"

"He was a killer, LaSalle!" She defended, though really she had just been uncomfortable. Not necessarily because he'd been flirting with her, but because a guy of his age with that much of a receding hairline just had her on the defensive immediately. Most of all, that was why she'd been so uncomfortable with it all.

"You didn't know that when he was flirting!" LaSalle replied and Merri wondered for a second if life was that black and white for him all the time. Merri had flirted with guys who were totally uninterested in her and she'd been flirted with by guys she would never touch. So not knowing he was a killer then didn't really factor into it.

"For one thing, that guy gave me the creeps. It's a woman thing." That was probably going to be the easiest way to explain why the hairs on the back of her neck had stood up straight and she'd been so unhappy with being anywhere alone with him, even in public. Though, had the need arisen she wouldn't have hesitated to kick his ass, she'd just rather not deal with the paperwork. "For another, I'm just not at all interested in having a relationship right now. With anyone."

"Why not!?" Merri had noticed since she moved here that LaSalle seemed to live his personal life from one night to another, never making any connections that lasted longer than a week or two. Before James, and even when she'd only had Ben, Merri had been that woman too, now though she didn't think she had the energy. LaSalle would grow out of it too, but she did have 5 years on him.

"I have too much going on in my life and, you know, not everyone lives their life based on how often they get laid." Oh that almost hurt to say, since a few years ago that had been exactly what her personal life was for the longest time. "When I'm ready, I'll start a relationship but until then I will remain as uncomfortable in social situations as I already am." That was an understatement for her. She didn't mean to come across as awkward, but when you kept as many secrets as she did you didn't really have much of a choice.

"Brody, I think you'll even be uncomfortable when you have a boyfriend." That was an actually slightly painful recognition for Merri, because she probably would be. The only person she had ever really been comfortable with was James and that was long since over. "Are you ever actually comfortable?" And that was the question she hated to answer more than any other, because the answer was generally no.

"Rarely." That was better than saying a straight up no, wasn't it? As she sat there she realised that it was getting late, the case was over and even she had almost finished her work despite having more to do than LaSalle at the end of the week, so she didn't quite understand why he was still there. "The case is over why are you still here?"

"King was getting at me about never finishing my paperwork. Why are you still here?" That was proof enough that he never stayed that late when they had no case and it was the end of the week. She knew that they all relished their weekends free, so when they got one they didn't want to leave any loose threads.

"Preparing Monday's files, but I'm nearly done and then I can go home." She had wanted that to be set up immediately so that she wouldn't have to come in Sunday to do it, though if she came on a Sunday she didn't mind bringing the kids, as she knew LaSalle wouldn't be there. That made her wonder what his Friday night was going to be like. "It's Friday night, if I see any arrests on Bourbon I'll assume that it's you."

"I ain't doing Bourbon tonight Brody. I have a date." Now she was torn between being nosy about the kind of woman who would agree to go on a date with him and between not wanting to know anything at all. This place had already broken through her rule of keeping her work and home lives separate, so who cared really if they blurred even further.

"You enjoy that, remember to take protection with you." Why did she say that. That was not something she wanted to know about or think about. The fact that she couldn't remember the last time she did something with another human being was definitely partly to blame for those thoughts. Definitely.

"Always, Brody. I ain't having a little LaSalle running around just yet." Well, wasn't that a mental image that she hadn't needed. Though she was sure that LaSalle would have cute kids when he eventually decided to have one, she didn't need the mental image of what it would take for him to  _get_  to that point. She had opened herself up to it though.

"Ew, with that I'm going home to drink a gallon of brain bleach. Night LaSalle." She said as she pulled her jacket and purse toward her. Even if he wasn't finished, she was, and she really wanted to go home and try to spend the entire weekend with her kids. Pride had said he'd only call her in if there was an emergency, and she was looking forward to being with the kids. She waved at the door and jumped in the car, wanting to escape before anything could bring her back.

For the first time in a long while Merri was actually home before bedtime, and she was looking forward to that. Stepping in she smiled at the shocked look on Ben's face and how fast he'd jumped up and ran to her. "Mummy!" He called as he ran to her, throwing himself into her arms.

"Hey Bud. Hey baby girl." Merri smiled and leant down to scoop Millie up too so she could hold them both. After this case she just wanted to keep hold of her children and make sure that they knew they were loved and valued, even if she couldn't be home with them all the time. She then smiled to Katrine and motioned her head between them both before butting Ben down with. "They been behaving today?"

"Yeah, Millie has the sniffles again," Katrine said, and that had Merri worried for a few seconds as Millie hadn't been sick at all when Merri left that morning. Things came so fast for her that Merri was probably always going to be a little surprised when she was told that Millie had sniffles.

"Have you caught another nasty cold? What a bad cold." She said to her daughter, causing the 17-month-old to giggle a little more. She did sound a bit stuffy, and Merri made a mental note to try steaming the bathroom up at bath time and seeing if that helped her clear it a little. Anything getting on Millie's chest worried her, as she was always going to have lung issues, it came with her prematurity, but so far she had stayed mostly healthy.

"Ben has done all his homework, and he asked for pizza for his dinner. I said he'd have to ask you." Katrine smiled and stroked Ben's head then looked up and mouthed silently. "He spoke to his dad, didn't go well." Of course it didn't. Why would James do something that would make her life easier, even if only for a weekend.

"Thanks." She mouthed back and decided that they could make pizza since Ben had finally spoken to James, only two days after she had wanted James to talk to him. That was an improvement. They could make their own pizza, and at least that way Merri would know there was something healthy on it. "How about we make our own pizza since mommy is home earlier than she thought?" She had the feeling that Ben would like that idea, and at his excited yelp she just smiled to Katrine and nodded again. "Thanks Katrine."

"Will you need me tomorrow Agent Brody?" Merri thought about that but remembered that she'd already done all her prep and so unless there was a case she wasn't going to need to go in, and she doubted they'd get a case this weekend. She hoped they didn't anyway, as she really wanted to spend it making a good time for Ben.

"No I don't think so, I did all my prep before I came home. Take the weekend and I'll see you Monday evening." She was glad that she only had Katrine for evenings and nights because she wanted to be as hands on as she could be, but right now there was nothing else that she could do, so she just did her best.

"Mummy, what do you do all day at work?" Ben asked once Katrine had left and Merri had locked the door. It was still surprisingly early and Merri was looking forward to cooking with her children. Which largely meant giving Millie finger foods while she and Ben cooked and pretended that Millie was scoring them. Merri still wasn't a good cook, but she tried.

"Why baby?" She was curious what had brought such a direct question about her job up. Especially since she didn't really want to explain to a six year old that his mom spent most of her days looking at pictures of dead people and stolen Navy files. When he was older it was probably going to be exciting for him, but right now it would probably terrify him and that was the last thing she wanted to do.

"We're talking about what our mummies and daddies do in school and I know daddy is a reporter but I don't know what you do." He sounded a little sad about James, but Merri wasn't going to mention it unless Ben brought it up. If he was working through it in his own way then she was more than happy to support his independence and not demand that he tell her what they'd spoken about. She knew though, that Ben knew what she did. They'd spoken about it before.

"You know what I do Pup. I'm an NCIS Agent." Maybe that seemed like just an assortment of letters to a six year old, and as he grew up she'd teach him more about what those words meant and how she ended up working there, but as with so many things right now she felt like Ben was too young to know the details. She wanted him to keep his innocence just as long as he possibly could.

"Yeah, but what  _is_  it. Is it like a cop?" Of course he knew what a cop was and what they did. He would also know that they were good people and that she worked with them fairly regularly. She had always tried to drill it into her children that the police were good people on the whole, that there were always some bad ones, but most were good. "Cops help people."

"A bit, I'm like a special cop." That was the only way to describe it, she was a special cop for those who were in a special group. this was a good learning opportunity for her son, and as she slid Millie into the high chair beside the counter she thought of a way she could phrase it that would make sense to her son. "I only deal with crimes committed by people who are in the navy or to people in the navy and their family." She didn't want to keep talking about this now, so she distracted him while she got the ingredients out ready to cook. "What do you want to be when you grow up Pup?"

"I want to be an astronaut." He had a level of conviction that she hadn't quite expected of him right now. Though she was sure that he would be able to do it if that remained his desire. He would learn what he needed to do to become an astronaut and he would do as much toward it as he possibly could.

"An astronaut? Really? Why?" They had never really spoken about it, but she was glad they were now. If only because it was going to give her an interesting insight into her son and what he thought about it these days. She loved that he was so smart, but she didn't know how he thought, and anything that might help her there.

"Because stars are really pretty." Merri didn't understand that response, but she also couldn't really disagree. Stars were very pretty, and when she was little she'd thought and dreamt about going to space for a while too. She had never been that good at science though, so she had readjusted her thoughts about what she wanted to be to come thing that suited her talents better. "I really like that book granddad got me and I want to make more stars." That phrasing made her smile widely, and she realised how smart a kid Ben actually was.

"Well, we can work on that. What about you huh, Monkey. What do you want to be?" She wanted to make Millie feel involved, even though she was fairly sure the topic was above her. After a second Millie held her hands out and said 'big' as loud as she could, one of her few words. It was an appropriate answer. "Big. I want you to be big too then I won't have to carry you." She laughed a little then turned her attention back to Ben. "Pup you can be anything you want to be, OK. So can Monkey. As long as you are happy, then mommy will be happy too." Merri just wanted them to be happy, and whatever that meant. After the case though, she also didn't want them to think they were adults before they really were. "Just don't grow up too fast."


	6. It Happened Last Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really so sorry about the break in posting this! I got super into writing it and it ended up becoming far more in depth than anticipated. In writing I'm now midway through season 2, so I'm going to try an update schedule of posting when I get home from Manchester every Saturday. That'll also encourage me to write a chapter a week too! Also the news about Zoe getting a new gig on Designated Survivor has given me a boost, and I'll no doubt start writing fic about that before long too!
> 
> Shin xx

 

Merri was happy to see an old friend, especially after the week she'd been having with Ben. He had seemed to decide that playing up was going to make James come to visit, and Merri had half a mind to ensure just that, but she also knew that it wouldn't really work. Dropping him off at his breakfast club she'd headed straight into the city with Millie to catch up with Logan while he was here. They'd worked together for two years in Chicago, and she wanted to find out what was going on with him. What she hadn't expected was that they had a mutual friend here. "So, you'll never guess who I was out with last night?"

She did pause for a second before responding, she hoped for a moment it was Pride, but she knew Logan better than that. Judging by his friends and contacts she'd met over the years, it was going to be LaSalle. "Given you're in New Orleans and I know a total of eight people in the city and the usual calibre of friends you have… I'm gonna guess LaSalle." He was the logical choice, but she really hoped that she was wrong.

"And you'd be right." Of course she was, she was not lucky enough for it to be someone else. Clearly, Logan recognised the look of panic on her face and smiled reassuringly, reaching out to squeeze her hand. "I didn't tell him anything, you know. About your situation. With James or with the kids. Or about Emily or… well, anything. He asked, I distracted." At that moment, Millie decided to remind them all that she was there too, and Logan reached down and picked her up. "Hey Monkey, what you got there. I can't believe how much bigger she's gotten it's only been 7 months."

"Don't remind me, luckily she still fits clothes bought before she was born though, guess that's the upside to having a preemie." She had to laugh a little, as they all talked about how big Millie was now, yet she was still able to fit in her 12-month clothes, and possibly would for a little while yet. She thought of all the things LaSalle knew about her and realised the list was mercifully short. "LaSalle does kind of know about James, or at least he knows I have an ex-husband." She'd never gone into details, but she had mentioned James a couple of times.

"Chris is a good guy, Merri. You could tell him about these two." Logan's reassurance didn't actually give her all that much more confidence than she had already had. It wasn't even necessarily about LaSalle. Right now it was more about her ability to answer inevitable questions and handling introducing them to more of her work. That was what she wanted to prevent more than anything. She wanted to keep their innocence and not have them exposed to her work.

"I'm just… not sure I'm ready." She ended up settling on. Merri knew that Logan would understand in the long run, even though he didn't have any children. She could explain it and he wouldn't question. "I get so many questions when I tell other agents I have kids and then even  _more_  when they know I'm doing it alone." Parents weren't the most common in their profession, single parents were rarer still. "I already had to answer Pride's questions about it, I'm not sure I could do it again." It would come out eventually, she knew that, but right now she wasn't ready.

"When you're ready, he'll be cool with it. He loves kids you know." The hint in that being that he could maybe help her out was not lost on Merri, but the truth was that she actually did have enough help. She was happy that she'd never had to really answer questions for Loretta, and Katrine never asked, as she was an employee and knew that it wasn't her place. It was a silly reason, but it was all she had right now.

"I know, I know." Merri just shook her head a little before smiling to herself and deciding to change the subject to something that wasn't about her. Logan was dating one of her friends and she wanted to know how that was going, if only because Merri never heard anything now that she lived away from that group of people. "How is everything going with Michaela? I still haven't got enough credit for that you know." That was going to be something she always teased them about because she could more than that she meant it.

"I don't think you should get the credit I'm the one doing all the work." Logan replied without even taking a break, and Merri wondered if she was starting to become predictable. Not that it really mattered to her right now if she was becoming predictable, she had too much in her mind to try to be original to people who knew her well.

"You'd never have met her if it wasn't for me." She pressed that point and laughed quietly. Michaela had been Emily's roommate in college, and as they were friends she'd quickly become Merri's friend too. They'd developed into a little group of criminology, law and journalism students and had remained that way until they'd graduated. Then though they'd all gone their different ways, they all still had connections. "Come on, spill all the gossip. You're dating one of my best friends from college, I deserve to know."

Logan sighed and smiled, bouncing Millie a little to keep her quiet, while Merri tore up some of her toast and handed it to her daughter, knowing that at least it would keep her occupied. Logan just looked at Millie again before he smiled. "I think I'm gonna propose. She and Harley are my life now and I can't really imagine being without them." Harley was their dog, and Merri was pretty sure he was treated better than her kids were. "You'd have to come of course."

"Send me an invite and I'll be there." That was something that she could promise, though she'd missed most of the other weddings for their friends, and hardly anyone had been invited to hers. She then looked at the time on her phone and realised that if she didn't go soon she was going to be late for work and that was not what she needed. "Shit I gotta drop her off and get to work. You in town for another couple of days?"

"The rest of the week, Michaela is joining me Friday we should go out for dinner." It had been too long since Merri had seen her friend, so she was actually more excited than she wanted to admit that they were both going to be in the city she had adopted as her current home. She made a mental note to ask Loretta if she could babysit.

"That sounds great." She then stood up and grabbed her things again, thinking of the fastest way to get to Millie's daycare from here that wouldn't require her walking past the office. "Come on Monkey, time for daycare." She clapped her hands waiting for Millie to reach up for her then she smiled and put her straight into the stroller, glad she could leave that at daycare. When she was ready she stood up straight and turned to her friend with a smile. "Text you tonight, Logan."

She should have known that LaSalle would try to make out that Logan had told him some big secret, so she was relieved that they had arranged breakfast. She'd known he was coming to town since he'd arranged it, and she was interested to see exactly what LaSalle would believe if she started making up stories. Some partially true, though nothing to do with Logan. Some entirely made up. Could she count it as an experiment? Probably not but she was going to anyway.

Then the brother in the case reminded her a little  _too_  much of some of the people she'd grown up with. More money than sense and brain cells and no thoughts on giving back to the people. She wondered if it was as obvious as it felt that she was even more uncomfortable than normal, because she felt like she wasn't hiding it well at all. The whole time they were speaking to him, and he reminded her more and more of the boys she'd known in school, the more uncomfortable she got. At least Pride didn't mention it until they were out and back in the car. "Brody, what's going on with you today."

"What?" She snapped a little, purely because this was the kind of awkward conversation she had hoped to rid herself from when she'd decided to reject that side of her upbringing. Yet today she'd been faced with it and was mostly annoyed by the fact that she hadn't been able to cover her discomfort more. "Sorry it's just... Yeah?" She didn't really address it, but at the same time she wasn't ignoring his worry."

"Ever since I took you in that house you've been… off?" Pride had always been tactful, and she had to applaud him on exactly how well he'd phrased that. Off was definitely an understatement, but she appreciated his attempt to not upset or affect her further. She knew that, out of everyone, he'd read her file and knew the circumstances of her upbringing and exactly what she had in her history. She could depend on him to keep it quiet too.

"He just… reminds me of a lot of the people I grew up around." She couldn't help but sigh a little, It sounds like their missing marine wife, Marilyn, was more to her taste. If they'd been in the same schools at the same time they would likely have gotten along. She just couldn't stand the ones like Oliver, it was why she was bringing her children up to live within their means.

"You grew up wealthy, right?" Pride asked and all she could do was nod. She knew that it wasn't ever the best thing to admit, especially not in their profession. But she also didn't think there was a point in hiding it, as she had made it fairly obvious. This guy just reminded her that if she and Emily had gone the other way they could have been as shallow and self centred as he was.

"Not billionaire wealthy but enough that I went to a good boarding school and had a few million put away in a trust fund for me when I was a baby." Money she'd only touched for college. She was determined to save it for if and when she decided to buy a home. Right now she was more comfortable renting. Thinking back to school though, she remembered how she'd realised she was never going to fit in with any of them. "I never really fit in with them, from a young age I wanted to do public service, and to most of them that meant politics. Never me though. I wanted to give back."

"Made you stand out?" He asked, and that was even more of an understatement than her being 'off' had been. Thankfully Emily had been the same, and they had been able to stick together with the few others who looked on the population of their school as being people who should be avoided at all costs.

"Yeah, and it's why I don't really have many friends from when I was in school." She wasn't going to lie about that either, she had some great friends now, including Pride, but in school she had not been the one that had all the friends, and boys like their current brother/suspect we're pretty much the entire reason why. "Oliver Huntington was just like all those boys I went to school with, and it just brought back some uncomfortable memories."

"Hopefully that mental association won't last." That was something Merri was willing to agree with, because seeing some of those guys in someone that she needed to get information out of was going to hamper her skills in interrogation. If only because that would shoot her back to being the awkward, gangly teenager that she'd been when she was still in high school. She didn't really want to think about the girl she'd been back then, as she was little relation to the agent, woman and mom that Merri was today.

"I hope not because I have tried to shake off high school for far too long." She shook her head and remembered one of the incidents that likely didn't make it into her NCIS jacket and decided to mention it just to see his reaction to it. "He was the type of boy that Emily and I got suspended for mocking, and possibly locking in a closet with an angry raccoon." That had been one of their more imaginative methods of revenge.

"Both of you. How did you… actually I don't want to know." Merri smirked at that response, because it reminded her that so much of who she'd been when she was younger was very unexpected to the people who knew her now. It made her laugh to see him change his expression and clearly decide that that might be a little too much to know about. "So, to change the subject… what is going on with you and LaSalle?"

Now that was probably a more relevant conversation, and another method of revenge that she was uniquely talented at. "He lied about a friend telling him stories about me. So I'm telling him a bunch of lies to see how many he buys." There was a brief look of concern from Pride so she just smiled and shrugged. "If he buys them all I'll tell him he was being taken for a ride when we solve this case."

"How do you know your friend didn't tell him anything?" That would generally be a fair question, but Merri also would have trusted Logan over LaSalle to begin with, purely because she knew him better and for far, far longer. Pride didn't know Logan at all though, and had known LaSalle for almost 10 years.

"Had breakfast with the friend before I saw LaSalle that morning, and he had already told me he didn't say anything." That was, to her, the reason that she had validation for what she was doing. She wasn't sorry about it either, and she seriously doubt that she was going to be sorry about it either. "Don't give me up, huh?"

"I won't, I promise." That was something too, because if Pride though she was being out of line he could have told her to cut it out and she would have done. What she hadn't expected was his next comment, though it was very appreciated. "He deserves this if he tried to trick you."

"Thank you." She also made a mental deal that she wouldn't let LaSalle know that Pride knew what she was doing. She was actually pretty sure that LaSalle didn't even think that Pride had noticed, but she was fairly sure that nothing happened in this city that Pride didn't know about, especially when it involved his two agents.

She had then just put her head down to solve the case, while still telling LaSalle some lies and some truths, enough that he'd never know what was what or if any of them were true. Sure enough at the end of the case he cracked, and she got to tell him that the stories had been utter bullshit. Now she was at dinner with Logan and Michaela and enjoying reliving it very much. "So let me get this straight, this colleague of yours said that Logan told him something to see what you'd say?"

"Yep. I kept this going for like… three days straight." She laughed as she sipped her wine, more than a little proud that she'd managed to keep all this going as long as she had without him figuring out that it was all lies. It had also definitely reinforced which of them was the better interrogator, not that that had ever really been a question. "During a case too. I honestly thought our boss would stop me but when I told him about it he was totally behind me."

"Did you mention Emily's bachelorette party?" Michaela asked, and Merri couldn't help but snort and choke on the mouthful of wine that she'd just taken. Still simultaneously laughing and choking she waved a hand in front of her face, glad that Michaela was in a similar state of hysterics. It hadn't been quite so funny at the time, but now that they were looking back on it with several years distance it was hilarious.

"Oh yeah, because among all the lies the occasional truth made it even more amusing." She had had to put the occasional truth in. Sure it had only been Emily's party and a trip to Vegas with James, but they had been hilarious. Now though LaSalle wouldn't believe those stories if he somehow heard them from another source, so she had protected herself a little there.

"Wait, what happened at Emily's bachelorette?" Logan sat forward and took a sip of his drink. He hadn't even known Emily, but he had heard a lot about her and Merri did enjoy being able to talk about their college days with someone who had been there for it. Michaela had been at all the questionable things they'd done since they were 18, and was more often than not the corroborating witness.

"Merri may have gotten a really, really bad, illegitimate stripper." Michaela managed to answer first making Merri snort again. The memory of finding out about that mistake was probably the funniest mistake that she had, and one that she needed to relive whenever all their friends were around. She couldn't help it, but it was just so funny.

"They weren't bad so much as… Yeah OK they were bad. Terrible in fact." Despite all the years looking back on it, Merri still wasn't sure what that stripper had been trying to do, and given the level of professionalism she was pretty sure that she would have had better luck pulling a random guy off the street and asking him to dance for them. She could feel the blush rising and just shook her head. "It was funny though, and we got a great story out of it."

"Did you tell any other stories from college?" Michaela smiled and sipped her wine, but Merri was going to have to disappoint on that. While she had been on the edge of a lot of the college-friend stories, the ones she had that she played a starring role in were few and far between. She had spent far too much of the time with James.

"I didn't have all that many stories from college." She defended to Logan, pretending that he would believe her for just a moment. That was when she thought she'd try another little white lie, just to see how much he would actually buy, or how much Michaela would let her get away with before she blew Merri's cover. "James and I were too well behaved."

Michaela, of course, managed to think of the least graceful way to call Merri out on her white lie. "By  _well-behaved_  here she means they were having a tonne of sex." She burst out laughing again at that, because it was pretty much all she actually remembered about college. Her classes were so long ago she barely remembered them, the friends though. She was always going to remember them.

"I actually can't even deny that." She admitted, drinking her own wine before shaking her head, deciding that at least she could turn that one back on Michaela and assume that she'd already spoken to Logan about their college days. "Not that you and Jack or Emily and Daniel were having any less." There had been jokes that sometimes they were having a competition for who could be latest because they were doing activities that they really shouldn't have been doing when they had plans.

"That's also true." Michaela admitted and nodded her head in Merri's direction. She had to admit that Logan s expression of bemused interest was exactly what she imagined she looked like most days when she was at work. "Jack's married now you know, to that little blonde girl who used to cheat off of you in psych."

"I always knew he'd end up married to a psychopath." Merri had always held the professional belief that that girl was going to snap and kill their entire class. She still wasn't counting that out given they were due their 15 year reunion soon. Looking to Logan she held a hand up and and knew he would understand her thoughts. "You know those suspects you just have and you knew they were always capable of it? That was this girl. You looked in that girl's eyes and you could see prison."

"I get that." He grinned, but then stood up and put his napkin back on his chair. They had all finished so there was no need for it now, then he looked around before kissing the top of Michaela's head. "I'm just going to head to the bathroom, let you girls catch up." He was bored, not that Merri blamed him.

Almost as soon as Logan was out of earshot, Michaela's expression changed and Merri already knew what was coming. She knew that they were going to be talking about Emily and Daniel and James. Topics she normally avoided at all costs, especially Daniel. He was the hardest one to think about. "So, do you still talk to Daniel at all?"

"No, not really. I haven't seen him since the funeral and it just brings back bad memories." Sometimes she wanted to talk to him, wanted to talk to all of them, but that wasn't how it worked. It was why Michaela was the only one she was in regular contact with. "Same with Jack and Anton really. You and James are the only ones I still speak to, and I kind of have to with James." She shrugged a little and was about to continue when she spotted a familiar form coming toward her. "Shit."

"Well, what do we have here?" LaSalle asked as he stopped beside their table, and Merri wished that the world would just swallow her up right then. She really hadn't needed for LaSalle to run into them tonight, so of course, here he was. "Fancy seeing you here." He clearly noticed that she was uncomfortable again and revelled in being the cause of it.

"Why are you here LaSalle, this isn't your usual kind of haunt? They actually use cutlery." That was possibly a little mean, but she couldn't help it. She didn't exactly see him as the type who would come to a place of fine dining by choice, and yet here he was and there was no sign of him being bribed into it. He even dressed up smartly, which led to more confusion on her part.

"I have a date again. Same girl as last week just to prove you wrong. I do occasionally see them more than once." He said, and she rolled her eyes theatrically in Michael as direction. she then shook her head even more than she had been doing before when he held his hand out to Michaela and introduced himself. "Chris LaSalle, I work with Brody."

"Michaela Harris, I went to college with her." As Merri looked up, Michaela got one of those smirks she got when she had figured out a sure fire way to annoy Merri and entertain herself in the process. Worse was that Merri was already fairly certain of what Michaels had decided she could say to do both and there was absolutely nothing she could do to stop her. "If we weren't busy we could compare stories."

"Don't you dare." She said instantly, holding a finger out to Michaela as she would to a dog that had done something unmentionable on the carpet. She then turned her attention back to LaSalle, still smiling at her friend. "Go on your date, don't keep her waiting. I have my own priorities and all of them are you not finding out about my college days." She couldn't resist ribbing him just a little bit more, he made it so easy.

"Fine, could have been fun." He grumbled but soon broke into a smile too, Merri was so very glad that he was at least being a good sport and knew when pushing something was going to be a very bad idea. She wanted to enjoy a little time with her friends while they were in town, since she didn't see them every day anymore. That was the one problem with moving around as much as she did. Connections didn't always last. "Nice to meet you Michaela." He smiled and shook her hand again, then Merri watched him to his table.

"He's the colleague you wound up the last few days, I guess?" Michaela laughed as she went back to thinking about what they were doing at the moment. Merri smiled a little as Michaela then spoke a little more quietly. "Reminds me a bit of Emily." Merri had to admit that, at times, she thought that too.

"Oh yeah, that's him. Reminds me of Emily too some days. He's slightly less rude than she was though." LaSalle was quite a lot like Emily though, and that was possibly part of why she had settled in more here than she often did. Merri grinned, thinking about her sister before checking her phone for the time. "Come by tomorrow and see the kids. I told my neighbour I'd be home by ten so I should get going."

"I will, I miss those two." Michaela had been a big part of their lives before they'd left Chicago, and she was certain that Ben, at least, missed her. Merri couldn't be entirely sure that Millie would remember her, as it had been seven months since they'd left Chicago, and she wasn't quite 18-months-old yet. It would not be totally out of the ordinary for her to not entirely remember what happened before they came to New Orleans.

That all reminded her how long it had been since Michaela had seen Millie. "You wouldn't believe how big Millie got. She's walking now too, racing around the house after Ben." There had been a worry, while Millie had been in the NICU, that she might not ever get to this point in life, and yet here she was, still thriving and getting better every day.

"Logan said something about her being huge now." Michaela grinned, and Merri just nodded, even though she logically knew that Millie was not actually all that big for her size. She was tiny but that was fine. Merri stood up and grabbed her things, hating calling it a night early but knowing that being a mom waited for nothing and that need to be her priority. "We'll see you tomorrow. I'll say goodbye to Logan for you."

"Thanks" She just smiled then gave her friend a hug. "See you tomorrow." Merri said happily, leaving the money for her meal on the table she stepped out into the calm, warm night air and turned to walk home. It had been a rough case that had brought up far too many memories, but having her friends in the city to visit had been great, and she couldn't be happier about that now. They had saved her mood for the week, and that was something she couldn't put a price on.


	7. Master of Horror

Merri hated this case. Not necessarily because of what it was, but largely because LaSalle seemed to have decided that she needed something else in her life. It had been a couple of months since the last time that he'd started trying to set her up on dates with any man she had any sort of dealing with. This case, it was the psychologist who had been treating their prime suspect. Not exactly what she wanted, or really how she wanted to meet another man. "You called this guy and he's already on his way here."

"It's for the case LaSalle." She did not understand exactly what it was that was making him think that she needed this and that there was something missing from her life. She didn't think that she was. "What is it with you trying to pair me off with the guys who we work with on cases." She really wanted for him to leave it alone, but the one thing that she was learning was that that was not how it always worked.

"Everyone needs a little extra happiness, Brody." Of course that was what he was thinking, but for her it was not what she wanted. She did not want a relationship, and she didn't think that she was missing anything from her life. Happiness in her life was fine, but she guessed that, with LaSalle still not knowing about her kids, he thought she was alone.

"I'm perfectly happy as I am." She was going to keep pressing that, because she didn't need or want anything else right now. Surely he had his own life to be focusing on."Why don't you focus on the girl you've been dating for what… almost a whole month?" The girl had seemed nice enough, and very pretty when Merri had seen her. He needed to focus on that, and leave her alone.

"Yeah, that's already over." Of course, it was, isn't it always the same with him, and he never ever stayed in a relationship longer than a couple of months. Sometimes she wondered if that was why he was so busy pushing her, because she was more likely to stay in a relationship than he was. "She couldn't cope with the hours I work."

"Maybe rather than trying to set me up with someone you should focus on your own love life." Merri would set him up with someone at this rate, not that she actually knew anyone that she could set him up with. But she would find someone if it got him off her back. The truth was that James was still there in the back of her mind, and she wasn't really sure if she was ever really going to be over him. "I'm still getting over my divorce, and I probably will be for quite some time."

"You were with your ex a while then?" That was a good question, and while normally she didn't like telling LaSalle about her life, he knew that she was married before she came here, and answering that was generally stopping him from asking about more parts of her life. Because she really didn't want to talk about other parts of her life. So she decided to answer his questions because if she didn't he'd start asking about other things.

"On and off for thirteen years, we may have got divorced in 2010 but we were still kind of together until last year." That was really an understatement given Millie's arrival, so she didn't feel bad for stretching that truth just a little bit. That was where she was going to leave that conversation for now. She really just needed him to focus on something or someone else. "So this 'being single' thing… it's still new to me and I'd like to enjoy it for a while."

"You really want me to back off, I'll back off." LaSalle dropped his hands and they fell to the tabletop dramatically, causing them to clap on the wood and her to roll her eyes just as theatrically. She was sure this was just a part of their dynamic, but at times it was so very exhausting. "Nobody wants you to be alone."

"I'm not alone, LaSalle." She replied immediately, then sort of wished that she could pull the words back into her mouth but they were already out. Almost immediately she had to try and think of a way to remedy it, and then just hoped that he would write it off as her having maybe met someone she was keeping quiet. "But if I ever want to be set up with someone I'll tell you."

"But what if this guy is cute?" Oh he couldn't even stop himself could he? He had to keep pushing even though she was making it clear that this was not a topic of conversation that she was interested in pursuing. She was actually a little relieved that Pride had returned to the office after making sure that Linda and the missing victim's mother were secure, as it meant that maybe he'd give it a break. "He could be cute."

"Then he's cute, good for him." She sighed, and wondered if the annoyance she was currently feeling was even beginning to come through in her demeanour. She hoped that it was as maybe, just maybe, LaSalle would actually start to back off. He wasn't always the best at noticing little things like that though.

Pride had clearly noticed immediately as he came in though, and maybe upon deciding that he didn't want to have to arrest one of his agents for murdering the other he stepped in in the most obvious of ways. Not that Merri cared that much either way, so long as she didn't end up having to murder LaSalle and serve some sort of prison sentence. She'd been so good at avoiding prison so far. "I'd shut up now Chris, before she decides she's going to kill you."

"You should listen to Pride since that is really very good advice." She muttered, sitting down at her desk again and starting to focus on the case. She wanted to get it solved and make it so they could work out exactly what had been going on here. It wasn't the easiest of cases, and she really just wanted to go home. Even when the doctor she'd been speaking to arrived she was still focusing on what she could do, and on ignoring LaSalle enough that she wouldn't kill him.

That did lead to her spending a good amount of time in the kitchen, mostly on her own until Linda came in. Merri hadn't had all that much cause to be on her own around her boss' wife, but that didn't stop them running into each other. Merri wasn't sure they'd have that much to talk about, but that apparently didn't stop Linda thinking of a topic of conversation. "So, Dwayne told me you're not telling anyone about your kids." Merri looked around to see LaSalle still on whatever phone conversation he was involved in, then turning back to Linda she tried not to look worried. "Sorry, blunt start but that's what I'm good at."

"No, I'm not… But apparently he is?" She was somehow actually surprised that Pride had spoken to Linda about her kids, as so far he hadn't mentioned them to anyone she hadn't already let know. Keeping them secret was the only way she could think of to protect them right now. She just wasn't quite sure she was ready to let them in on all this.

"I already knew, I speak to Katrine most nights, she still lives near our house." Ah, that was a little less surprising. While Katrine knew that Merri wasn't mentioning her kids at work she hadn't said that she needed to keep them quiet too. "What do you have?" Linda asked, and after seeing that LaSalle had got up she smiled and was actually a little happy to be able to talk about her kids at work.

"One of each. 6 and 18-months. Ben and Millie." She felt her grin grow a little wider as she reached for her phone and pulled up a picture of the three of them that Loretta had taken a couple of weeks earlier. Merri didn't remember exactly what they had been doing, but they were all laughing, and she remembered that she had felt the happiest that she had been in a while. Spending carefree moments with those two kids was what made her happy.

"Millie. Short for anything?" That was a question she was asked all the time when it came to Millie's name, and everyone was always even more confused when she refused to talk about it. It was something that made her laugh, though. Because it meant that her daughter had an individual name, and it was all hers.

"No, she's just Millie. Millie Jayne Lathom." Sometimes she wondered if giving Millie James' surname had been a good idea, but it did at least mean that she matched up with Ben, and maybe by the time she started using it James would have stepped up and become a better father. She wasn't holding her breath on that one.

Linda took it better than most people, and instead she just smiled at the picture again before speaking about their ages again. "Good ages. We only ever had Laurel, but I loved both those ages. They want to know everything at six, don't they?" That was often an understatement, not that Millie didn't cause havoc too, because she most certainly did.

"Definitely. Ben is into everything and wants everything." That was becoming something that she didn't know how to handle, because he asked a lot of questions that she didn't know how to answer any more. Most of them were about James too, and it was making her a little bitter about her ex-husband, because she knew that their son needed him to be around, and he wasn't. "Mostly to be an astronaut, and to see his dad."

"His father is still where you came here from?" Linda asked, and that was actually a much more tactful way of approaching it than she normally got. Normally she was asked why he wasn't there and what had happened that led to him not being there with them or not seeing his children, so this was a little refreshing.

"I… actually don't know where their father is. Last I heard he was in Eastern Europe, but that was two months ago." Merri wasn't above admitting that she had no idea what James was doing or where he was going next. He rarely let her know where he was going next, even when that had meant he was coming home. "He's a reporter, never stays in one place for long. Goes where the stories take him."

Linda just nodded for a moment, letting Merri get her frustrations out. Having so few people she could actually talk to about James did limit her ability to do this, as she didn't want to speak badly to him around the kids. When it was clear she was done Linda just smiled sympathetically and nodded. "Must be hard on them."

"Ben it is, Millie's never met him and so she doesn't miss it." That was the only upside to the situation Merri could think of. At least Millie couldn't miss something that she'd never had. It also made her face the fact that she'd always known that James wouldn't be here long-term, even before they broke up. "Can't really imagine him being here all the time either though. James was never that type. Even when we were married." Sighing softly she tried to focus on something else, not wanting to keep thinking about James. "Tell me more about Pride, I already know he got his catch phrase from you."

"He's a good man, but you clearly know how it goes when you aren't getting what you need any more." Linda said, and Merri was a little taken aback for a second. Too long to stop her continuing then thought that she was having. Maybe it was talking about Merri's deadbeat ex-husband that had brought Linda's thoughts to it too. "That's the only reason we're not together anymore."

"I do, I definitely do. That wasn't what I was asking though." She wanted to make that clear, because it would be too awkward for her if she didn't. She liked Pride, and Linda seemed nice enough. Learning about whatever it was that was splitting them up was so far outside of what Merri wanted or needed to know that she just found herself feeling uncomfortable right then.

"I know, but it's easier to explain." Linda nodded, waving a hand to try and settle Merri's mind. Though really it didn't settle her at all, in fact it just made her feel even more awkward and uncomfortable. "That's really what happened, we've both tried to make it work, I'd love to say it was working…"

"But it just wasn't, I understand." Merri nodded because she did understand that. In fact that was exactly how her relationship with James had imploded. She knew that sometimes you just needed to let that out and maybe that's where Linda's thoughts were coming from right now. "Don't worry I'm not going to say anything. We're all in this together, right?"

"Definitely." Linda laughed a little and rubbed her face softly, Merri realised that she was feeling much the same. The conversation had been a minefield and she'd barely managed to dodge them all successfully, but it seemed like she had succeeded after all. "We girls always have to keep each other sane. I can't imagine being the only woman in an office full of boys."

"It's not easy, that's for sure. Sometimes I just want to kill them both." She grinned a little thinking about that. Merri did love how small this office was, and how close-knit the team and become in the months since she'd arrived, but they could be frustrating and being alone with all the testosterone was a lot most of the time. "Actually that's a fairly common feeling, actually."

Almost at that moment LaSalle was stepping through the door, but thankfully he spoke before Merri had expanded on one of her recent happily recurring dreams where she actually did end up killing him, normally with paper balls. It was such a common thought she didn't remember the first time she had it. "What are you two in here talking about?"

"Your ass, LaSalle." Merri replied before she could think of anything to annoy him with. The man was oddly obsessed with his own ass, and since discovering this fact about him Merri had used it to her advantage when it came to teasing. She had such a huge handicap in that competition most of the time that it was nice to have something.

"It's so fine, I know. You ladies don't need to be ashamed to look at it." How did anyone have such a high opinion of their own ass? Merri really didn't understand it and most of the time, she was realising, she didn't understand LaSalle. He was such a gigantic mess of contradictions that she wanted to try and work out professionally. Personally it mostly annoyed her.

"I think I'll pass. Thanks Linda." She smiled, going back to ignoring LaSalle but being aware that he was stood there so they couldn't talk as freely as they had been doing. It was important for her to keep that boundary, even if it seemed arbitrary to everyone else. Maybe she needed to let go, and she would one day, but not today.

"Any time." Linda nodded then grabbed Merri's arm before she could actually walk away from the island in the kitchen. "Tell Dwayne about it those issues with your ex, he'll be as helpful as he can be." That was probably good advice, and while Merri had unloaded on him about James before, she'd never told him how important he'd become in balancing that burden on her son. It wasn't fair to ask him, but she needed someone.

"I will, thanks. I better go back to work." She nodded to the main office and smiled, actually feeling just a little bit better about things now. She was sure that the conversations about Sam the psychologist were going to keep on, but if she could get James out of her head maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. It could even work out well for her.

Managing to finish the case in time for the Halloween parade, Merri tried to enjoy herself, then her evening trick or treating with the kids. Only to find out the school was hosting a party for the kids and their families the following night when she still had work to do. Thankfully Loretta had stepped in to help Ben, so she could go in. "What you doing here Brody?" Pride asked as he came down into the main bullet from the corridor from his room.

"I still had some work to do, I called off early yesterday to watch the parade with you and LaSalle." It had been worth it, and she had enjoyed being stood with them watching the parade even if she had eventually ended up absolutely freezing. Pride had made sure she warmed up before he let her head home.

"You should be home with the kids." He sounded worried that she was here rather than spending a day with Ben and Millie, though if she was honest they were being brats together this morning and she was actually glad to have gotten away from Ben for a few hours to give her chance to cool down. He also seemed excited about his costume.

"Ben is making his costume for tonight's party with Loretta, I was unceremoniously thrown out of my own house." She laughed a little and shrugged then pointed beside his desk where a bright pink stroller was obvious. "I assumed LaSalle wasn't here so I brought Millie, she's sound asleep in her stroller." Millie had barely slept the night before and had woken up in a bad mood, so Merri was glad she was either asleep or quiet in the stroller.

"I would expect LaSalle is at home hungover." Merri just nodded and laughed again. LaSalle had implied that he was going out again after they left the office the night before, and Merri had already learnt what is type of night out normally ended in. Largely a hangover that she could use to her advantage on cases if he was stupid enough to come in hungover.

"Going on who he is, yeah." She laughed and smiled. As her eyes fell on Millie again she wondered if, maybe, Pride would want to come along to the party tonight with her and the kids. It would get him out of this office, it was exactly what she should do, as she was starting to get worried about him always being here alone. "What are you doing tonight?"

"Why?" Pride looked just a little suspicious at that, and Merri couldn't actually blame him the request did seem to come rather out of the blue. Her mind just seemed to work in intuitive leaps that most other people didn't understand. Professionally Pride tended to be able to follow her mind and at least guess at what she was going to be doing next. Personally though, she wasn't sure anyone could follow her mind as fast as was needed to keep up.

"Come to the party with us." It was a simple request, and she hoped that he'd agree, but maybe she should explain more why she was asking, not just leave the question so open and simple. She did actually need an extra pair of hands. "Last year Millie was asleep in a sling and Ben was running wild, this year Millie is old enough to kind of join in herself and I could use another set of hands."

"You know you don't need to be worried about me." Pride managed to see through to her secondary reason for asking him. While she was worried about him, she had hoped that it wouldn't be quite that transparent. She wanted to make sure that someone was keeping an eye on him. Maybe she was being a little too maternal right then though.

"I'm not. Well I am but I really do actually need help." She smiled a little, knowing that he would see through her saying that it was nothing to do with her asking him, while she did want to point out that it wasn't all about that. "On another note, I spoke to Linda when she was here."

Maybe bringing up his wife had not been the best idea, but it gave Merri an opening to talk about what Linda had said, and what she was thinking too. Largely because it would give her another way to explain why she was thinking that Ben would benefit from having Pride in his life. But Pride just looked surprised. "Oh?"

"About James, and the issues I have at times around that. I just need extra help and Ben loves having you around." She wanted to talk about that more, though she really also needed to stop focusing on how angry she had been at James recently. "You're the closest to a father figure he's ever really had. My male friends in Chicago certainly weren't 'dad' types, and most of the others weren't really involved." She was actually more affected talking about it again.

Almost as if hearing her mother sounding a little upset, Millie woke up and almost immediately made her presence known. Pride got to the stroller before Merri and soon at Millie out and in his arms. "Hey, little miss you're supposed to be letting your momma work." He spoke to her daughter quietly, which just made her smile again slightly wider, but she knew there was still something playing on his mind. "I'm happy to help Brody but I'm not their dad."

"Nor do I want you to be, they have a dad. He's not exactly a good one, but he's still their dad." No matter what, James was always going to be their dad. She wanted for someone to be there, giving her kids what they needed from a male role model. It wasn't something that she could do on her own, no matter how hard she tried. "I just… I like that he has someone that he can look up to. Someone who is actually dependable and helpful and good."

"Then sure, I will come to the party with you guys tonight." Pride admitted then smiled wider at Millie. Merri couldn't help but really love watching someone else caring for her daughter the way she normally would. "For now, I'm gonna take this little miss to go and make some lunch." Pride grinned and walked toward the kitchen with Millie smiling in his arms.

"Lunch sounds good. Give her a spoon, she loves spoons." That was the only way Merri could keep her quiet, sometimes, in the kitchen when she was trying to cook. She had the feeling that Millie would probably behave better for Pride than she normally did for her mom. That was pretty much how it always seemed to go. "I'll come through and work in there with you too."

"Let's go make lunch for your momma, huh?" Pride said to Millie again, and Merri couldn't help but laugh a little, almost as soon as they were both settled in the kitchen Pride clearly decided that he could start winding her up again. "Have you spoke to that doctor since he left?" Now she felt like she was being set up by LaSalle, because she didn't see Pride being the one pushing her to start dating. That was definitely LaSalle's thing.

"Sam? No." She had to admit that, all along LaSalle had been right that he'd be cute. That didn't mean that she wanted a relationship or anything even resembling one. "Don't you start on that too Pride, I have enough of that with LaSalle." She shook her head and giggled a little bit.

"So you off relationships then?" That was a good question, and it was pretty much the best way to explain it. She was off relationships, and she really didn't want to think about what was happening next because that wasn't what her life was going to be about. She had two children, and the needed to be her priority.

"Yeah, definitely." She nodded, because she really couldn't imagine them having anyone else in their little family unit right now. Not when James was still part of their family even if he wasn't there. "I have to focus on Millie and Ben, I don't have time for a relationship. I have you and the rest and, right now, that's enough for me." She really did feel like Ben and Millie needed her to just focus on her, and she wanted to think about something else, so she turned it back on him. "What about you and Linda?"

"Who knows, we're going to talk more tomorrow night." Pride sounded resigned, and not at all like he had any hope about the conversation. Given the earlier conversation from Linda that they were heading for an official separation, and she was not entirely surprised by it, but she felt like Pride deserved better than that. She knew he'd been trying, but that didn't always mean it was enough.

"Well, I wish you luck for whichever way you want it to go." She smiled a little and patted his arm, almost certain that it wouldn't go how he wanted, but wishing him luck was what she could do. She knew from experience that heading to divorce was not what she wanted. "I know that divorce is not fun."

"Well, like you said you have friends, that's better isn't it?" Pride's smile reminded her of all the support that she had again. That helped whenever she felt lonely, as she knew that they were the ones who were there.

"Most of the time, definitely. I miss it sometimes but not that often." She really didn't miss having a relationship. She didn't want to keep thinking about that though, so she shook her head and refocused on the night that was coming. "At least we don't need to have costumes for tonight. Just the kids."

"Momma can get you dressed up, but after we've eaten." Merri smiled as Pride went back to cooking. It felt nice that she could give her daughter to someone else and know she was safe and protected, it was even nicer that it was someone that she could talk to and enjoy time with as well. New Orleans was rapidly becoming home for all of them, because the team really was a family, and that had included them taking her kids on too.


	8. Watch Over Me

Merri hadn't been all that surprised when she'd walked into work to see probably the clearest sign that Pride's separation may be a little more permanent than he'd been hopping. Of course she hadn't implied that she'd already known that while LaSalle had been around, but she saved it for the first time she was alone with him on the case. Almost as soon as they were in the car to go and collect the wife and current prime suspect she started with the first thing on her mind. "Your talk with Linda didn't go that well, huh?"

"We decided together that we didn't have anything left to save." Given what she had observer ed she wasn't totally surprised. They had seemed much like her and James at the end of their marriage. The love was still there, but there just wasn't enough left between them to maintain a marriage. "I haven't told Christopher that yet." That news was also not entirely surprising to her, but she hoped that wouldn't stay the same for that long.

"When you going to tell him?" Merri just wondered how long she was going to have to keep it secret from their friend. It wasn't that she was uncomfortable with keeping things from LaSalle, especially given the secret she had been keeping from him for the last few months. It was just that she wanted to have someone to gossip with. Though given that Patton was going to be on this case too maybe she could gossip with him.

"After this case." Pride nodded a little as if this was the first time he'd decided that himself. Merri just nodded sympathetically, certain that it wasn't the easiest thing to be telling a friend. "I almost feel like it's telling my kid. Though possibly Laurel took it better." Somehow, that didn't surprise Merri at all. If Laurel was anything like Merri, she probably knew the state of her parents' relationship long before they ever said anything to her. Not that that her parents had split up, at times they probably should have though.

"How did Laurel take it?" She had to ask, just because she was curious if her prediction was accurate. This private game should probably not be something she ever told anyone else about, because it wasn't always something that would be appreciated by the majority of people. Over the years she had learnt that the average person didn't like to know they were quite so predictable.

"Looked between us and said 'it's about damn time you made up your minds'." Pride chuckled and, while that told her that she'd been right, Merri couldn't help but think that Laurel was maybe a little too emotive about it. Then again, she was a twenty year old who was probably just glad that the ambiguity was over with.

"That's harsh." Merri laughed after a moment and shook her head, because in some ways she could understand the sentiment. Pride had been living in the office from some time by the time she'd arrived here from all that she could tell, and now it was November. She was guessing he'd been there at least a year. "She's probably right though I mean… how long before I came here had you been living at the office."

"Let's not talk about how long I've been living at the office." Pride muttered, and for the first time since she'd known him Merri caught just the hint of a blush rising in his cheeks. That actually made her grin more than almost anything else that had happened since she'd met him had. He had always seemed kind of impervious to embarrassment, so it was nice to see that wasn't entirely true.

"Well, if after this case you're free it's my birthday on Thursday. I'd really love some company." She normally avoided her birthday, but this year she would really quite like to speak to someone who wasn't 6 and throwing a tantrum about having to wear pants, which had been how she had spent her previous birthday.

Pride smiled and nodded, clearly already having known that it was her birthday. She had wondered if he was already thinking of something for her birthday, but she wasn't sure that he'd do that without asking her first."If we've done with the case I'll see what I can do about making sure you're not alone on your birthday."

"I've not really been alone on my birthday for 6 years, but it would be nice to have an adult to talk to for a while." Really, if she was honest with herself, that was what she missed most about having a relationship. It was having someone there to talk to after the kids had gone to bed, and to make sure that little things weren't falling through the cracks. Instead she had to try and do it alone and that meant her birthday was often forgotten. "My kids are at the age where, in most relationships, it would be their dad reminding them to do things for me. Of course… James isn't around."

"Think you'll hear from him?" Pride sounded a little more sympathetic than he probably would have done before things had deteriorated with Linda as much as they had done. Now he was probably wondering if he'd still have that connection in the next year. Merri didn't actually know how it would go, none of them did, but she hoped that he had a good relationship with Linda still.

"I'll probably get some big package and a card and maybe a phone call if he's somewhere he can use a cell phone." That was how most of her birthdays went when James was involved. At least they had in the last 13 years. "I never expect anything, but it's the same for his birthday in March." She sent a package to his mother, normally, with cards from the kids and everything that she thought he might like. "I try to make sure he remembers Ben's but… as we saw in September he can't always be counted on for that, even."

"Some people just aren't meant to be parents." Pride said quietly, and Merri nodded thinking about how appropriate that actually was for James. He could have been an amazing father, if he'd dealt with his grief. He never had, not really, and she knew that that was the primary reason why he wasn't around. Sometimes she was a little bitter about it, though, as she had never had the choice.

"And others don't have a choice." She said quietly. Feeling the brief look Pride gave her she shook her head and realised she would have to explain that comment. "Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but I never really planned on having them." She was always going to put them first now, but she wouldn't have had them if she'd known she was going to be alone. "I'm glad Laurel took it well though, seems like she's got a good head on her shoulders." She brought the conversation back around to Pride's daughter, feeling a little guilty that the conversation always seemed to turn to her messed up situation when really she should be focusing on him.

"She does, I'm proud of her." Pride smiled, and looking at him Merri knew that he couldn't really be prouder of his son. She understood that pride, how it felt good to see how your child was growing and maturing. Even though her children were much younger, she was loving seeing them grow. "Wait til Ben and Millie are her age. You'll understand."

"I understand now." Maybe she saw more of it as she was the only parent her children had. She wasn't having to split her time with a partner or other members of the family. Right now it was just her and the kids. Seeing them becoming their own people, having their own likes and their own opinions. Ben more than Millie, so far, but both of them were already developing their own personalities. "Everything they do makes you so proud because they are becoming their own person."

"It just gets more as they grow up Brody, just you wait." Pride smiled knowingly and chuckled as they parked up. That meant that she needed to get back into work, and think about what was happening in their case. "You ready to pick this woman up?" He asked, and she just nodded. It was time for her to move on right now.

The case was just continuing to throw up twists and turns, and for the most part she had no idea what was going on other than the wife clearly wasn't actually a suspect. While Pride had her in protective custody, she was having to deal with LaSalle, and his inability to understand why any jewelry was important to anyone. "I still don't get why jewelry is so important to women?" He asked for probably the tenth time, and as she was getting fed up she rolled her eyes and decided this would be the time she answered.

"Because it means something special." She rolled her eyes as she spoke, trying not to let the frustration she felt seep into her words, though somehow she would guess she was less than successful at that. It wasn't like only women held on to jewelry, she knew plenty of men who had a necklace, a pendant or something else that mattered more to them than anything else. "I know plenty of guys to whom their jewelry means something to too."

"But it's just metal and gems?" LaSalle, once again, was just dropping the jewelry down to the physical items and rarely was that where the attachment to jewelry came from. She knew that for a few of her prized possessions, they would have little to no actual monetary value, but they were extremely valuable to her.

"It's not just about the physical item, it's about the thought and feelings that go along with it." She was going to try pushing that, because LaSalle had to care for someone enough that he would want to be reminded of them when he wore or saw something. She knew that he wasn't the type who showed his emotions very often, so figuring out how to explain this to him was harder than she wanted to admit.

"Give me an example. Your wedding ring don't count." He shot back at her and she just rolled her eyes. For most divorced people, she was pretty sure that the wedding ring was not something that they had a particular attachment to. It either reminded them of sadness or failure, not really positive emotions.

"Please, I threw that into the fires of Mordor the day I got divorced." She scoffed and shook her head. No matter her relationship with James now, them getting married in the wake of Emily's death had been a terrible idea, and the ring had seemed like it was a symbol of that terrible decision, not the love that she and James had had for each other. Instead she pulled her necklace out and smiled, one ring on it was an eternity ring that had come from James, the other was a pendant in the shape of a quill. "I got this pendant from my sister the day we graduated college. I got her one just like it. Wearing it always makes me feel closer to her."

"Right?" It was clear from his entire demeanour that he still wasn't understanding. Maybe he didn't quite understand how difficult it was to only have that piece of jewelry, or a few scattered memories. Maybe he'd just never thought about the fact that not everyone could let go of their sentimentality.

"I have a ring from my great-grandmother that she gave me when I was 5 just before she died, I still keep it close to me and it gives me strength, like I have a little piece of her with me." Merri smiled a little, even thinking of her great-grandmother often brought a smile to her face and warmth to her heart. Those were just some of the things that most of these little pieces of jewelry gave her.

"I still don't understand." LaSalle was definitely not the sentimental type, and so he seemed to be struggling to wrap his head around the fact that they weren't just about the objects. He was so focused on the fact that they were objects, not that they may have a further and deeper meaning to the person that owned them. "They're just things."

"The emotions they trigger are very real though. That's why jewelry is important to most people. It's not about the physical items, it's about what they represent." She nodded to his desk, already knowing that he had pictures of his siblings, his mother and his niece and nephew on his desk. She could use those to make the point she was trying to deliver. "Like those photographs on your desk. It's the same principle. It reminds us of someone we love."

LaSalle still seemed to be confused, and Merri really wasn't sure that she could make it any simpler to explain. She would keep trying, or right now she could just give up and decide that he was the type who was just too closed off to ever completely understand what was going on in people's minds in this situation. "I guess it's just not something I'm gonna understand."

"Maybe you will when someone gives you something that is so precious you can't imagine being without it anymore." She sounded dismissive, didn't she? Merri found that she didn't actually care that much if she did. "When someone loves you that much, maybe you'll understand exactly what it is that you've so far been missing out on." She hoped he would anyway, because it would just be sad if he didn't.

"Nah, Brody. Ain't nobody going to give me jewelry." he laughed as though that was ludicrous, but she knew better than that. Jewelry was important in relationships, even if it was just something like a wedding ring or a bracelet or pendant. Purely because of the thought that went into the gift. Right now, he was enjoying playing the 'free and single' card, but one day that would be old.

"One day, LaSalle. You might meet a girl who can stand to be around you longer than a week." She liked to tease him about his inability to commit, and right now that seemed the easiest way to end this conversation and get back to working on the case. They had so much that they needed to work out and try and stop. She was ready to just get on with the work, and make sure that nobody was going to get the wife.

She left LaSalle to his growing feud with the intelligence officers who were borrowing their back office, while she had gone to work with Sebastian and Patton, though finding out Patton was the one who had stolen LaSalle potato salad. After they had gone through the evidence Sebastian and Patton just went back to teasing each other, before Sebastian clearly decided that it was time he go back where he was comfortable. "I should get back to the lab, call me if you need me for anything."

"See ya, Sebastian." She smiled and waved him off, then just stood in the middle of the bullpen looking around and trying to think what her next move in this investigation was going to be. There had to be something that she could do, but for the moment she seemed to be devoid of ideas. "OK, what next?" She said aloud, then looked around the office again before heading slowly toward her desk, largely ignoring whatever it was that Patton was doing.

"So, you got two kids, right?" Came a question entirely out of the blue, and she wasn't really sure how in the name of all that was holy Patton had learnt about that. She knew he was close to Pride, and she knew that he could find out anything about almost anyone, but she didn't think he would have gone looking that deeply into her. Then again, if he hadn't been vouched for by Pride she probably would have looked him up too

"How the hell do you know about them. Pride?" She had to ask it even though she doubted that it was Pride. In some ways it was actually easier knowing that Patton knew, as it was someone else that she could talk to when her kids were doing her head in, which was happening more than she'd like to admit recently.

"No, I looked you up when you came here and I got clearance." So she was right, he'd looked her up, though at least it sounded like he'd looked her up with permission. Though maybe it shouldn't that actually did make her feel a little bit better about it all. "I wanted to know I could trust you." He explained, further and Merri just nodded a little. She understood that too, because trust was something that she'd never been sure about herself. "I got a kid too, a girl. She's four."

"Right in the middle of mine." She smiled a little, and she could imagine that a little Patton was going to be adorable. It also helped her mind that Patton s little girl was at the age where he could maybe empathise more with the issues she had. Pride tried, but it had been a long time since Laurel had been the age of her kids. She did worry about him saying something in front of Sebastian or LaSalle though, as Merri knew they wouldn't exactly take it well now. "Look I'm kind of keeping them quiet. Only Pride and Loretta know about them, and Loretta only knows because we're living in her guest house."

"I'll keep it quiet as long as you need me too, I keep bigger secrets than this, just like you do." That comment proved to her that he'd actually read her file, and that made her wonder exactly how much of it he'd gotten through before he gave up. It was a thick file, and a lot of it was hard to get through even if you weren't personally affected.

"Exactly how much of my file did you read?" She wanted to know where he had stopped, just so she knew what she should and shouldn't mention around him. Merri wasn't even sure if Pride had read everything in her file, if he had he was certainly doing a good job of not mentioning anything to her about most of it. "If you got past some of the things I owe you a drink or something."

"I read all of it." Patton said instantly, and she just paused and stared at him before sinking into her chair. It had been a long time since she'd thought that anyone might have read her entire personnel file and everything that that included. She was never really sure about how she should feel, but she was certain that shock was not appropriate.

"You read my entire personnel file?" The hint of surprise couldn't be hidden, and she knew that she had no real reason to be surprised once she learnt he'd accessed it to begin with. Why would someone like Patton access it if he wasn't going to read the whole thing?

"Yeah. Look Brody I ain't judging. I've done worse things than you for way less honourable reasons." He moved his chair closer to her and spoke quietly. The mission he referenced was the last one she had expected for anyone to talk to her about again, but it actually felt good to have someone reference it without the word 'investigation' following it. "You did what you had to do in Afghanistan, you got home to your baby and you protected national security, that was the important thing."

"You really did read my entire file." It was confirmed in his thoughts about what had happened to her in Afghanistan, yet another sat story in her life tale that she didn't want to think about more than she had too. The mental health issues that had come from that and the  _Moultrie_  were enough to convince her that she should never be put on another overseas assignment. She needed to stay here in the US and with her children, where she could push those memories away when she needed to. "Look I don't… I don't talk about any of that because finding people who understand is… It's just too hard."

"You ever need someone to talk too, someone who knows how bad it gets when you're at the very bottom and you just want to die, give me a call and I'll be there with you." Patton offered seriously, and given that she had no idea what had lead to him being in the wheelchair she was willing to bet that when it happened he understood the exact problem she had had back then, and why she didn't talk about it now.

"That's… one of the nicest things I think anyone has offered me in a very long time. Thank you, Patton." She was so touched by his thoughtfulness, and the fact that he would offer that so readily to someone he barely knew and had never actually had a private conversation with before. Patton trusted easier than he let on, either that or her file had told him that much about her.

"Anytime, Brody." He smiled a little then got a secretive smile. "You know this ain't the first time I've had to get an agent to open up to me." She felt like she was very honoured to be included in that number, as she felt like Patton didn't let everyone open up to him, just the people that he truly liked and felt needed him.

"That's how you know Pride?" She hadn't actually gotten a story on that, though she had a feeling that Pride was at least partially responsible for Patton no longer being at the bottom. That man seemed to have a skill at rescuing people that Merri could only actually hope at having one day.

"Goes both ways with him, but yeah, that was part of how we met." Merri wondered if an arrest was another part of it, but she wasn't going to push. One day she would hope one of them told her, but right now she was pretty sure that wasn't going to happen. "Call me if you ever need to talk, or you want a playdate on a Saturday."

"I promise I'll help you with your analogies in return." She joked, remembering exactly how terrible he could be at them, and she wasn't exactly sure how it was going to feel having someone who not only wanted to spend time with her and her children, but who also was willing to let her open up to him. She slid it all to the back of her mind as they went back to solving the case, and using a small amount of trickery to get the confession that they needed to close the case.

She had never been happier to get home than after that case. It had just brought home exactly how difficult it was when something that she could have possibly been involved in, or that her mother could have been in, whenever they had a case that skirted her profession. Getting home she didn't even pay much attention to the driveway, instead just going through the door. So she wasn't expecting the scene that greeted her when she stepped through the door and had Ben running at her legs. "Happy birthday mummy!"

"Hey, thank you big man." Merri had mentioned, once, to Pride that it was her birthday and this was what she got in return. She smiled as she saw a few presents and a couple of balloons. It had been years since she'd done anything for her birthday, tending to sit and brood about Emily and focus on the kids, but it was nice to be getting something. "I didn't expect anything for my birthday this year."

"I love you mummy." Ben said as she picked him up. Smiling at Pride who was holding Millie up, and Loretta who was stood beside them. She almost couldn't believe that this was what her life had come too, but she was actually happier than she could imagine that someone, anyone, had recognised her birthday. "Millie loves you too but she can't say it yet." Ben said, wrapping his arms around her nice and resting against her cheek as he did.

Holding her son and looking at her friends she just grinned a little more, trying to remember the last time that someone had done something like this I her. "Give mommy a kiss, why don't you go play with your toys." Merri turned her head a little and got a kiss from Ben before he ran off to play with the toys that were in a pile on the carpet where he'd clearly been showing them all to Pride. Once Ben and Millie were playing again she stepped to Pride and Loretta and just smiled again. "You didn't have to do this."

"When was the last time you got treated on your birthday, Merri?" Loretta asked, and it was a fair question. Merri actually couldn't say, it was probably while James had still been living with her, when Ben was just a few weeks old. The first year after they'd lost Emily. "When Dwayne told me we knew we needed to make sure you got something."

"Thank you both, so much." She felt her voice catching in her throat, and she put her hand on her chest, realising that she didn't know how much this meant to her until she was faced with it. Then it was another sign that she had finally found a home with people who actually wanted to keep her around all the time. "I haven't really… thought about my birthday much the last few years."

"Well, this year you celebrate." Pride smiled and squeezed his shoulder, that one move being something that everyone seemed to have noticed that only he was allowed to do. Merri only let her kids and Pride touch her without permission, and nobody else even tried anymore. "I even made dinner for you and the kids." He nodded to the kitchen and smiled even wider.

"You should both stay for dinner. Please, you can't go to all this trouble then get nothing back." She didn't want them to walk away when they had clearly gone to some trouble to ensure that she had something to mark I birthday with, and it would have been good with them too. but the both held their hands up and smiled.

"We just wanted to give you a little joy on your birthday." Loretta grinned before nodding to her children, the two people who did get the short straw in her dedication to her career alongside being a mommy. "Spend it with your children, they'll be glad to get some time where they have your undivided attention."

"I can't believe you did this." Merri just couldn't really wrap her head around it at all, even though she was the happiest she could remember being in a very long time. This kind of happiness was not something that she got to experience all that often, but she had it now and that was exactly what she wanted right now. Seeing Pride again she laughed softly, because she'd thought that he'd still been at the office when she left. "Especially you, I thought you were still at work."

"This was more fun." He teased, and probably it was more fun. None of them liked doing their post case paperwork and that was why she was normally the one who was last in the office filling it in and typing it up for everyone. At least that was done, and Pride had used his time in such a sweet way."Happy birthday, Brody."

"Thanks, Pride." She replied warmly and squeezed his arm gently. It was the best birthday, and the sweetest thing that she could imagine. She was actually completely unsurprised that Pride had this in him to do. She should have known that he'd do this if he knew when her birthday was.

"Happy birthday, Merri. Enjoy your evening." Loretta grinned as she started towards the door too. Slowly Merri turned from the sight on the table where they had set up her birthday surprise to where her children were playing, travelling over the kitchen door where their dinner was and landing back on her friends.

"I'm with my favourite people, how could I not." Her children really were her favourite people, I she had been missing them more than normal. the warmth in her chest from the gesture of her friends didn't fade as she walked them too the door. She just smiled wider as they both disappeared into the night, and then she picked up Millie who had toddled over to her before thinking again. "What do you think of these guys huh, Millie. I think they count as family now, too."


	9. Love Hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the big news this week is that... this fic has an extension. Eeek. I thought of another plot point toward the end. When I finish writing it, it will be updated more than once a week, but for now... enjoy.

Merri was so glad that this case didn't require much of her expertise, because her attention was not really on work. She knew that it was an important case and could have major effects on so many other departments, but Merri couldn't help but keep her thoughts at home. It was also why she'd made an excuse about her car and come home on her lunch break to check on Millie. "Hey baby girl." She said as soon as she walked in, scooping up her sick toddler and holding her close for a moment before turning to Katrine and hoping that the report would be good. "How is her chest this afternoon?"

"A little better, her breathing has been a little looser." That counted under 'good enough' in this situation. She had been lucky with Ben that he had hardly ever been sick, but with Millie she worried more. Her little lungs still hadn't caught up with her growth, and anything that made her chesty was a major cause for concern. It was why she'd called Katrine in for the full day and kept Millie home from daycare. "Aren't you supposed to be working?"

"I'm taking a long lunch, said I needed to take my car to get checked over, Pride's going to pick me up in ten minutes." In reality, she had needed to get her car serviced, but doing it today had been purely because she wanted to check on Millie and spend a few minutes with her before diving back into the case. "Hey, come with mommy. You feeling better?" She asked

"Should I still run her down to the ER if she doesn't pick up this afternoon?" That had been one of Merri's directives, making sure that Katrine had a letter that gave her emergency power to consent if Millie needed medical treatment. That was one of the things that Merri wanted to make sure was always where it could be found, just in case there was an emergency somewhere.

Taking her to the ER if she was getting worse would definitely be a good idea, though Merri was likely going to have to get her checked out anyway. "Yeah, or if her breathing gets much worse or if she runs a fever. Call me first though, if I can get away from work it would be better if I took her." She knew that it wouldn't necessarily be easy for her to keep out of work long enough to see Millie get full treated, but at least she'd be there. She then looked to her sad-looking toddler and spoke quietly. "I know, having immature lungs sucks doesn't it?"

"I'll keep doing what I've been doing, are you likely to get home tonight?" That was another good question, and Merri hoped that she would. She missed Ben, as she hadn't managed to see him for more than a few minutes in a few days. It all depended on this case, and if they didn't get a break soon she'd be there til later again tonight.

"Yeah, I should. Probably around 9. I'll text you if anything changes, and call me immediately if you end up having to take her in." She repeated all her earlier instructions while holding Millie closely again. She really didn't want to have to step out the door and go back to work, but she also knew that she needed too.

"I will do." Katrine confirmed before she moved closer and went under Millie's arms to lift her away from her mother. Immediately Millie's whines filled the house and that maternal guilt that Merri had come to accept as being part of her life washed over her again. "Come on Millie-Moo, mommy has to go back to work."

"I know baby, I'm sorry mommy has to work. I wish I could stay home too." Whenever Millie cried at her leaving her heart broke a little more, and she realised how much she hated that she couldn't be home as much as she wanted to be for her children. "I'll be back this evening. Thanks Katrine." She stepped out the house and just froze the other side of the door, listening to Millie's cries followed by chesty coughs as Katrine tried to calm her down again.

As soon as she looked up and to the road she saw Pride's car, and stepping down she headed over, trying to look a lot more cheerful than she actually felt. She hadn't told Pride that Millie had been sick that morning and she hadn't been sure that she'd wanted to tell him either. Of course though, he'd worked out that something was wrong and almost as soon as she was settled he asked the question that she'd been desperately hoping to avoid just this once. "What's wrong with Millie."

"How'd you know anything was wrong?" Merri asked, staring at him for just a second because she just couldn't believe how easily he had gotten to the correct answer. Merri wondered if he was getting to know her too well, or if he really was that good of an investigator.

"You looked like you were about to cry coming out the house, Katrine is here so Millie isn't in daycare today and you never make excuses about your car on a case. So I guessed." His evidence was solid, and she couldn't refute any of it. Not even that she had been about to cry. Though she would never admit that he had been right about that part, she liked the reputation that she had, of never crying in front of people. Though she had already cried in front of Pride once. Maybe he was going to be the exception that proved the rule.

"Damn, working with investigators is not easy." She chuckled humourlessly, just finding herself annoyed that gigantic family issues were so easy to decipher. "She has a chest infection, but because she was so premature she had immature lungs and developed BPD. Most babies lungs eventually develop normally but Millie's have been quite slow. She's not needed oxygen in months, but an infection could put her back in the PICU if she's not able to fight it off." And she probably wasn't going to be able to fight it off on her own, she rarely could.

"You don't need to lie about things like this if you need to race home, Brody." The scolding was gentle, but it was a scolding nonetheless and she hung her head slightly. She should have known that he wouldn't force her to stay if she needed to go. "I understand, LaSalle would too if he knew."

"I keep forgetting he works with sick kids." Meeting one of the families he worked with at the start of this case had reminded her that he did do a lot of charity work, and she was proud of him for that. It didn't make her want to tell him any more than she already did. Which was not at all. "I know I'm being stupid but I'm just… still not ready to tell him about them."

"You'll get there on telling him, you will." Pride reassured her with a smile, and she just nodded. She was glad that he got her as well as he did, as it just made her life so much easier. He was also more accepting of her desire not to let LaSalle know about her children than she would have expected.

Back at work the case had them all thinking and in a bullpen full of men, Merri was beginning to feel like an imposter. Most of the conversation she'd been able to ignore, but of course it was LaSalle saying something ridiculous that made her pay attention again. "This case is making me reconsider how I'd propose to a woman." Merri thought that the bigger problem for him would surely be actually finding someone who he cared about enough and who would stick around for long enough  _for_  him to consider proposing.

"You don't even have a steady girlfriend. That tends to come before knowing how to propose. It's different for every woman, right?" She looked around to Pride and Patton, knowing that at least Patton was in the 'divorced' club along with her, and Pride was married so he definitely knew what she meant. It wasn't a 'one size fits all' situation.

"Definitely. I couldn't have proposed to anyone the way I proposed to Carlene. She cried." They were all looking at Patton, and Merri couldn't help but smirk a little. He could be closed off, not wanting people to know about his personal life, but everything that Merri had found out was adorable.

"Every time we talk I learn a little more about your personal life." She said to Patton, deciding that this was just the perfect time to tease him a little bit. She could feel Pride, LaSalle and Sebastian watching them, and she was no doubt sure that they had the same bemused expression that seemed to accompany any conversation she and Patton had with one another.

"Yeah, I got depths baby." He returned the joke then looked back to the rest of the group and frowned deeper. "Good proposal don't mean the marriage is gonna work though. Sometimes it could be the most perfect, beautiful and incredible thing and the wedding could be good too, but the spark might not be there, or it could all just fizzle out."

She couldn't argue with that. James had done what was perfect for them. Simple, understated and honest. Their marriage had been all those things too, it was part of why they'd split up so quickly. "That is so true. Even when it's perfect, it might not be perfect." Nobody could understand that if they hadn't lived it. No matter how amazing things could be on the surface, they could always be the complete opposite once you burrowed a little deeper.

"Was your fiance's proposal a good one, Agent Brody?" Sebastian asked quietly, reminding them all that he was definitely there and that he was listening. Sometimes she needed to be reminded about that because she could forget him when he was quiet. As for her proposal, she wasn't really sure what she should share about it, but she knew the answer to the question was yes, it was perfect.

"Well we got married, so that should say something. It was exactly what I would have wanted." It had been beautiful, and years before they got married. No matter how things may have changed, she didn't think anything could have been better than that moment, and the feeling that she had associated with it. It did make her wonder what Sebastian would do. "How would you propose to Melissa?"

"We're not anywhere near there yet." Sebastian responded, looking more than a little panic-stricken. Merri couldn't actually help but smile at that, as it was such a sweet, innocent look. Sebastian was clearly smitten with this girl, and that made her happy for her friend, whatever he was doing.

"You can still be thinking about it Sebastian." Pride got a wistful look on his face and that was something that Merri rarely saw. She decided she wanted to see that a lot more than she did. "I was planning my proposal to Linda from the end of our first date." That seemed to be a common story for men who just knew the person they wanted to be with. Daniel had always said the same about Emily, and James had always dodged the question as best he could.

"James said he planned his for nearly two years." She remembered Emily had gotten that out of him once, probably because Merri was pretty sure that Emily had at least planned part of it, if not all of it. The words may have been James', but the setting and spontaneity of it were the opposite of his standard operating procedure. James was not a romantic, but he had always pulled it out when it mattered.

"How the hell long did you and James know each other? I can't work out the timeline." LaSalle snapped, interrupting the happy sharing of engagement stories. Merri grinned a little and realised the other were all looking at her as well. Maybe she was a little too tight-lipped about James, given that speaking about him was meant to give her cover from them asking about her other big secret.

So, in the light of all that, she decided to go into more detail, and tell them things she was pretty sure nobody knew really. "Since 2000." She counted and realised that meant they would have known each other more than 14 years by now. "We met in college, he was doing an exchange programme at Michigan State from the University of Manchester. He was instantly on the soccer team without even really trying. One of his cousins played in the premiership."

"Wait he's not even American?" That seemed to surprise LaSalle more than anything else that she'd said, and Merri wasn't sure how that had never really come up, though given that she wasn't really speaking about her family without prompting, maybe that wasn't all that surprising.

"No he's British, but James is not the topic of this conversation, I'm just saying that it takes a long time to plan a really good proposal." She was pretty sure that Pride's would have been planned for about the same amount of time to get it right. He was a perfectionist, she knew this about him and it made her sure he took his time planning it all out. Patton was the only one left to ask. "How long did you plan yours Patton?"

"I'd been thinking about it since we met but actively planning it, I don't know about six months." She could see that with him, he was far less perfectionist than Pride or James. He would be able to live without planning absolutely every second of the moment and how he would position himself.

"I took Linda to where we first met, middle of summer. Had a picnic." Pride smiled again, and Merri realised that even though none of them were actually currently involved with their spouses, most of their memories from their relationships were happy. That was a good thing to her, as it meant they had a good rapport, and it gave a better base to recover.

"Carlene and I went on a boat ride up the middle of the Mississippi." Patton smiled, and Merri realised this would have been before he lost the use of his legs, not that that would have really changed anything for her. The next bit of information she hadn't been expecting, but all-in-all it actually made Patton's story more adorable. "She loved Alligators, gave her an Alligator ring."

"What about you, you gonna tell?" LaSalle was clearly getting to know how cagey she could be and knew she might not give them the details. She wasn't going to, but only because it was not a good story. It had been in their kitchen at breakfast. It was perfect for them, but not that interesting to tell anyone else about

"Nope. But it was exactly what you'd imagine I'd say yes to. Very simple." She just smirked and looked back at her work, one of them should try advancing the case rather than just talking about their previous love lives. This was about their victim and his non-existent girlfriend.

"At times you're an open book and then you just slam shut Brody, it's kinda confusing to these guys." Patton said, and Merri couldn't help but laugh, given that he knew more than everyone but Pride about her life. She thought it was amusing that he was the one pointing out that she was confusing to the other men. She didn't mind that though, she liked being the mysterious newcomer.

"Well, they'll live. We really should get back to work." Merri pointed out, breaking up the group as they had been stood around her, and that was the clearest way to show that she was no longer interested in having them all hanging around her desk. They needed to get this solved so that she could be the one at home with her sick toddler. Millie should have been her priority, but because Merri couldn't afford to take the time off she had to split it, and that wasn't best.

When it came to closing the case, she gave it all of her attention because it would mean that she got home faster. Unfortunately, that included taking a beating from an assassin. Merri thought she held her own pretty well, but once she'd been back to the office and had done her after action report while Pride was with LaSalle she'd started to feel the throws and kicks she'd been assaulted with. Almost as soon as she handed her report to Pride he stopped her and looked at her seriously. "Chris has been checked out, maybe we should get you checked out. You're moving a little gingerly."

"I'm sore, I didn't feel it until the adrenaline started wearing off. Now I definitely know I was in a fight with an assassin." She was just smiling at Pride and was about to agree to let him take her to get checked out when she heard her phone ringing, and as soon as she saw Katrine's name she felt a shot of panic fire through her as she thought about the only reason Katrine would call this close to her being due home. "Hang on. Katrine?"

"Agent Brody, Millie's got a bit chestier and I'm starting to worry." There was no preamble, and that was another reason that she was glad in the end that she had hired Katrine. She fit in well with her children, but on top of that she was a straight shooter and made sure that she told Merri immediately if something was worrying her. That was how she knew that something had to be really bad with Millie right now.

"OK, I'm still at the office can you run her and Ben down? I'll go get her checked out." She thought that it was best that she just take them herself, especially since Pride was right about her getting checked out. She should probably do that, though she wanted to focus on Millie. When Katrine said she'd walk them down Merri nodded and sighed. "See you in 15 minutes."

"What's that?" Pride had clearly been listening to her half of the conversation, and since her earlier unloading in the car he understood more how hard it was for her when she didn't have the time to focus on her children and one of them was sick, nearly always Millie, but from time to time Ben would catch something too.

"Millie's chest is worse, looks like I'm going to the ER whichever way I do it." She frowned a little more as she looked at the floor and silently prayed to whatever diet was out there that she just needed antibiotics and rest. With that Merri could bring her home and she wouldn't face the problem she had faced when Millie was born, what should she do with Ben.

Pride it seemed already had ideas about what to do though, completely unprompted by her. "How about I take you, and you both get checked out. You fought with an assassin today, Brody. I'm worried about you." There was a softness to his voice that she hadn't heard before, and she considered giving in again, but then her annoying streak of independence reared it's head and she felt the need to play her injuries down.

"It's just bruises, I know. I'll just have to be careful." She was sure that Pride wouldn't buy it, but maybe for a little while he wouldn't push her. At least he could let her get Millie situated before he asked her again about getting checked out. "But I would appreciate another set of hands with Ben." That would be helpful, and something she'd never really had before. She'd always had to handle them both alone, and that had rarely been easy.

"He not fond of the hospital?" Pride asked, and Merri had to think of the way to answer that. It wasn't that he didn't like hospitals, in fact, he tended to find them quite fascinating. But she knew he still hated when they were there for Millie, and she knew that there was always a good chance they were going to end up admitted.

"He gets scared Millie will get admitted again and I won't be home with him like when she was born." Merri actually thought that Millie's weeks in the NICU had been more traumatising for Ben than they had been for her in the end. He was told he had a sister who was too sick for him to see, but that's where his mommy was every day. She smiled a little more as she thought about how much easier this potential problem was. "Having someone with us will help because one of us can stand with Millie and one with Ben." She couldn't help but think about James, and how she wished he'd been here for this. "I wonder if this would be what it was like if I actually had James around. I'd be able to think about having help with him."

"Maybe. I'll just grab a bag as we could be late back." Merri hadn't even thought about that, but she could always use her emergency bags. She always had them in the back of her car. One each for Ben and Millie, and two for her. One for work, and one for if she was caught out while out with the kids too.

"You can always sleep on my sofa if it's that late. I could actually use the lift in the morning." She just assumed that Pride would want to drive, before remembering that her car was the one with all the child seats in it, and she didn't fancy having to deal with Ben and Millie without them. So they would have to take her car at the very least.

"Take off until Millie's better, you still have vacation days." Merri had only taken a couple of vacation days since she'd arrived here, but she was still trying to build her stash up again after Millie's hospitalisation. Just in case anything happened that meant she'd need to use them for that kind of a reason again. However, thinking about taking time off, she remembered it was only a little over a month before Christmas now.

"That reminds me, I need to put in for Christmas. Christmas Eve until the 30th off." Her mother had made grand plans with her cousins and with James' mother, which required her presence at the family house in Virginia. In a way, she liked that because at least it gave her kids some kind of normality. At the same time, she hated the competition she always seemed to be put into with Jen, though that was all just because they looked so similar.

Pride clearly noticed something in her face, as he just chuckled before shaking his head and moving along. "Put in for it, Chris never takes Christmas and nor do I so you'll get it off. Going seeing their dad?" Another fair question, but one that Merri almost scoffed at. Not that she wouldn't take the kids to visit James, she just didn't know where he was most of the time.

"No, we're going to my parents in Virginia. Though James' mom will be there." She liked Sharon Lathom well enough, and she had stepped up where James had fallen back. She visited a few times a year and made sure to call every couple of days, but as much as Merri liked her, she was their grandma, not their dad. Merri had to take her wins where she could though. "So that's something, I guess."

"That's a lot, Brody. OK, I'll go grab that bag." Pride did his usual squeeze of her shoulder as he passed, and Merri went back to trying to move without wincing. She was sure it was just the brushes she suspected, but damn did it hurt. She just didn't want to think about how much worse it was going to be carrying a toddler.

She had stayed quietly walking around the outside of the room as she tried to loosen her body up. As usual, Ben announced his presence long before she could have seen him, and Merri grinned as Pride came down the stairs at the same time. "Mummy!" Ben yelled, running in and throwing himself at Merri's legs, a second later Katrine followed with Millie looking sorry for herself in her stroller.

"Hey Pup, can you go with King so I can sort Millie out? Thank you." Thankfully, her son didn't make a fuss about it, he just looked up then ran to Pride and started talking to Katrine after bending down and listening to exactly how rattly Millie had gotten. It was not a nice sound at all. "She been this chesty all day?"

"No just this afternoon. I called you as soon as it started to sound this bad." Katrine looked vaguely like she wasn't sure she'd done the right thing, so Merri was glad that, at the very least, she could reassure her nanny that she had done exactly the right thing and that Merri would take it from here.

"OK I'll call you in the morning and tell you how she is. Thanks Katrine." Merri couldn't help thanking her, because she really was the perfect help, and she wasn't sure what she'd do without her now. Turning her attention back to Millie, who clearly didn't want to be removed from the warmth of her stroller. "Let's go get you checked out huh, baby girl? Yeah, you sound like you've got pneumonia again don't you?" She spoke, looking up to see Katrine walking out and Pride coming up to her carrying Ben. "Thank you, Pride."

"Any time, Brody. Come on buddy, let's get in your momma's car." Merri smirked a little when he said that and shook her head, she was going to need to get the seats out, as she put them in the trunk while she was working, but it was something. Pride poked the handle of the stroller as he passed and Merri just shot him a curious look until he explained. "I should have known you'd have a bright yellow stroller."

"You've seen my stroller before?" She said, still confused about both the poke and his comment. She liked the colour yellow, it made her smile as it reminded her of sunshine and Easter and all the good things that they didn't always see in their work. It was her joy, and she needed it.

"I didn't register exactly how yellow it was. Come on, let's go get your sister checked out." He spoke again to Ben and headed out to the carport. Merri just sighed a little and closed her eyes for just one second. Repeating her internal prayer for Millie to be OK. After this case, she wasn't sure she could really cope with anything else.


	10. Chasing Ghosts

Merri had, for the first morning in years, not woken up to vomit and demands for breakfast or attention. It had been nice, but she had missed her usual routine. Yet getting the immediate call to a scene and dealing with some of LaSalle's 'holiday fever' she was not at all sure that she was ready to deal with anymore. That was when the question of whether she was going home came up, and for some reason, she was unprepared for it. "So you heading up north to spend Thanksgiving with your folks."

"I think I'm opting out of the Stepford family dinner this year." That's how it had seemed growing up. This year it was going to be easier for them even if she didn't go because all her dad's family would be there. That didn't stop the flashbacks to her youth. "Parental gin and tonics at eleven followed by ritualistic screaming and yelling at eleven thirty and tearful apologies by half-time. Think I'm just gonna stay put and whip up a batch of my charreds for the potluck." Plus, her first Thanksgiving in New Orleans was something she could get excited about.

"Charreds, as in greens?" LaSalle asked, and Merri wasn't actually sure if he was confused or just needing clarification. She couldn't help but break into a grin as she remembered how her grandmother had decided when they were young that she'd teach one recipe each to Merri and Emily. Emily got the stuffing, which had always been incredible. Merri had got the charreds, and it had been one of the few things she could cook to perfection.

"Yeah. Brody clan serves them as an appetiser." It was one of the things that had always worked for them, and she was sure that someone here would enjoy them. At least that was the hope. It was the only thing that she could really contribute since most of her recipes tended toward the things she could feed to Ben and Millie, not always the most acceptable fare for adults.

"Well down here they're part of the main course and I'm the greens guy." LaSalle sounded like he wasn't sure about two of them, and that made her grin. She had always been quite competitive, and when the mark was so easy and obvious she couldn't help but make him rise to it. Plus, it would be fun for her to keep pressing him on it.

"You sound intimidated. You worried about a little competition?" She teased. Thinking that at the very least this would take her mind off the fact that Ben and Millie weren't home anyway. Talking to Pride and then Loretta she thought even more that it was a good idea, and she wasn't going to back down.

She knew that they weren't sure she was actually going to join them for Thanksgiving, that she was still going to go up to her parents and just call them when she got there, but she really didn't have the patience to try and do a Brody-Coates gathering twice in a little over a month. Midway through the case, she found herself drinking coffee in the kitchen when Pride finally got five minutes alone with her. "LaSalle tells me you're actually joining us for Thanksgiving, where are the kids?"

"With my folks." She replied instantly. Yes, maybe it wasn't fair that she had got her cousin to pick them up, but Jen knew the feeling of wanting to avoid the gatherings. This was the first year Merri could remember where she'd be doing both. "My cousin Jen came by when she got back from her latest assignment and picked them up the night before we got this case."

"So no kids?" Pride smiled a little, clearly glad that she was taking some time for herself. She knew that he and Loretta worried about her and how isolated she sometimes seemed given that she made the kids her priority and rarely did anything for herself. She wasn't sure what else she could do, but seeing him give her that smile made her feel more like staying behind and taking some time for herself was a good idea.

"No kids, for a whole ten days." Though given she was already on day three and she wanted them home, she may end up asking for someone to bring them back early or flying up there herself to pick them up. But she was going to try and hold out, spend the time with her friends and family here instead.

"You're not going up to join them?" Pride was clearly worrying that she might be distracted with them being so far away, but they were with the people she trusted most on the planet, and she knew they would be having the time of their lives with her family. They'd come home spoilt rotten and with an attitude, but she was sure that was the best place for them, and this was the right place for her.

"No. You need me here." Merri replied simply and shrugged. It was really that simple to her, she was needed here, she was just another guest when she went to her parents. On top of that, she was enjoying a few days where she could put herself first, not that that would last. "Besides, I need a brief break from the whole 'mom' thing. They'll be sad they missed Laurel though, they love Laurel."

"She loves them too." He grinned a little, and Merry was fairly sure that he was just actually happy that his daughter was coming home for Thanksgiving. She was bringing a new boyfriend, and Merri was going to be interested to see how they all managed with that. "Well, I'm glad you'll be here with some of your family, even if we aren't your biological family."

"You're better than, in some ways." She couldn't help but think of all the times her family had driven her up the wall or made her wish that she didn't have to be related to them for simplicity. But they weren't all bad, and she would probably look back on her decision to stay here eventually and regret it. That regret wasn't coming today, but she was sure that it would come one day. Probably when she realised how long it had been since they saw the kids. "I do miss them though."

"The kids?" Pride asked, and Merri realised that the clarification was actually needed. She didn't really miss anyone else since she didn't see them that often. In fact, if she saw them more than twice a year it probably meant that someone had died, and she didn't think that she could actually make it through that again. She did miss the kids though, more than she had expected.

"Yeah, this is the longest I've been away from Millie." She was nervous about that given that she was due her next course of steroids soon, and she was a little more wheezy than usual. Though Merri knew that her mother would call if anything was needed or if there was an emergency. Hopefully all her worries right now we're just her overactive mind trying to convince her that there was a lot more wrong than there was. "I'm nervous about that."

"You've been away from Ben longer?" Pride poked again, and suddenly she realised that he really hadn't read most of her file. She was sure that he'd skimmed it one day, but clearly, he'd never read the details. Or maybe he had and just hadn't made the connection to her assignments and when she wouldn't have been with her son.

"7 weeks, Afghanistan." She left it at that. Merri hadn't spoken about Afghanistan since her post action therapy had ended, and she had no intention of ever speaking about it again. Ben had only been 2 when she'd been assigned there too. There had been no chance she was taking a baby to a war zone though, not that NCIS would have let her.

"Ah, the one you never speak about. I get it." He never pressed her about it, unlike her previous unit chief in Chicago, who seemed to take a perverse pleasure out of bringing up that she'd been to Afghanistan. If he'd ever read the unredacted file he probably would not have been quite such an asshole about it, but he wasn't that guy. Pride was not like him at all though, and that was part of why she was so comfortable here. "I'm sure they are OK."

"Yeah. They'll be fine, they'll be with nanny and pappy." She was sure that her parents were already spoiling them rotten. Whether it was losing Emily or that they didn't see them much, Paul and Olivia Brody were much better at parenting a generation removed. So she was sure they wouldn't even notice that she wasn't there. "It's me who won't cope as well."

"We'll keep you busy, Brody. I promise." He grinned, and she recognised his way of teasing her. It was different than how he teased LaSalle, or really anyone else. It was sweet, and she really loved that she had slipped in well enough that everyone was happy to tease her. That was not a barrier that she passed often.

"Oh no, whatever will I do?" She replied sarcastically and laughed. Not that she said it enough, but she was really glad that Pride and the team here were as attentive to her moods as they all appeared to be. When she needed to be left alone they left her, and when she needed to be around people they were right there where she needed them to be.

At that point they went back to solving the case, then they sat together for dinner. It was a great experience, and Merri wasn't missing Ben and Millie as much as she'd expected too. After dinner, Pride clearly noticed that she was hanging out at the back of the gathering, drinking her cocktails and trying just to stay out of the way. Sometimes it was easier for her that way, and it meant that she could just disappear into the background and be forgotten. Somehow, Pride always saw through that, and tonight that meant he came and stood beside her and spoke quietly. "Getting any easier without the little ones?"

"No. I was mothering Laurel earlier." She laughed, remembering Laurel's quiet reminder of 'you're not my mom, Merri' when she started, and Merri having to apologise for it. She couldn't help it, she was just feeling more and more maternal while she didn't have her usual outlet for it. "I'm half tempted to call my mom and see if someone will bring them up early."

"Already?" Pride looked mildly surprised, and she just laughed a little. Sure, three days ago she'd been happy about the fact that she had a few days kid-free, and she was loving the fact that she could sleep as long as she wanted, and she hadn't had to change a diaper in three days, but she was missing them deeply.

"I really wanted the break from being a mommy, but now I realise how much being a mommy has become part of who I am." She continued just as quietly but knowing that the fact she had come to accept this was actually a huge step forward for her, as she'd spent so long thinking this was something she'd fallen into. "So yeah, I keep wanting them home."

"Leave them with your parents, you need the break." He pushed, and she couldn't say he was wrong. She needed the sleep, she needed the time, and most of all, she needed to be able to go out with her friends just for once and not worry. Tonight was a special occasion, and she'd already agreed to a night out with Patton, LaSalle and Sebastian on Saturday. Though she had to pick the kids up Sunday no matter what.

"What exactly am I going to do now we solved the case?" She asked, thinking that she had no idea what people her age without kids or significant relationships actually did when they had downtime. Though she did look to LaSalle and Sebastian for that. Maybe she could learn a new language, or redecorate the house. Or see if Pride had any suggestions, something that she might actually be able to do now.

Of course, he had a suggestion, that was the real reason that she'd asked him. He was good at working out what she needed, often before she had it all worked out herself. "We have a whole cupboard of cold cases. Let's work on some of them." It was at that moment that Merri realised they were those stereotypical cops, the ones who worked on cases even when they had time off. She was chuckling to herself about that when Pride nodded in the direction of his daughter and her boyfriend. "What do you think of him?"

"Orion? He's sweet, and he really loves Laurel." It was obvious from the way he acted that he was completely in love with Pride's daughter. Merri hoped that one day her kids would have a relationship even half as dedicated when they were so young. She wasn't all that much younger than when Merri had met James, and while that hadn't ended amazingly, it had started brilliantly and that was how she could see this as working out well for Laurel.

"Yeah but… you're a woman… he a good one?" That was an interesting question, and how Pride thought  _she_  was the one to ask about that given she was quite open about her terrible taste in men and her litany of disastrous relationships before she moved to New Orleans. The truth was, Orion was exactly the opposite of her usual partner. So he was probably very good.

"I am the wrong person to ask, I don't have the best taste in men." James was just the proof of that. He was only the one who stuck around longest, really. She wasn't the type who picked well. Laurel clearly did, though. As Orion seemed like a lovely guy. "He reminds me a little of you. Charming, caring, a little bit of a dork… but a really good guy at heart." Pride was someone she looked up to a lot, and those were some of her favourite qualities she'd gotten to know outside of work.

"That's the nicest thing anyone said about me in a long time." Pride genuinely looked like he was touched by that statement, and Merri didn't understand why. He was one of the sweetest men she'd ever managed to meet. Sure, he could push things too far professionally, but only ever to do what needed to be done. Merri actually respected that. Maybe he'd never been told that so clearly. "Thank you."

"It's the truth." She said quietly, just smiling at him before she took another sip of her beer. This was the kind of thing that she loved to do when she finally connected with friends. Just watching the way that they interacted together. She was getting comfortable, finally, and eventually, she was sure that she could start knowing more about her. "You're a great friend, King."

"How'd you feel about losing the greens-off?" That was a safer topic, Merri thought. She clearly either needed to stay away from the beer when she was around him, or she needed to keep a tighter grip on her tongue, not that she thought that would actually really be that much of a problem. It was just today. The greens though, she could focus on them.

"Not too bad. At least I lost to Sebastian." She was just imagining how sore she'd be if she had lost to LaSalle. Sure she owed Sebastian a twenty, but she didn't mind owing him. She minded owing LaSalle. She would always mind owing him anything, especially if it was something she'd beaten him in. "I would be a much sorer loser if I'd lost to LaSalle, and hey, I came second."

"You did." He agreed, settling on her with one of those smiles he had that reached his eyes and made it seem like all the burdens of their job no longer bothered him. She knew that wasn't true, but it was how Pride's smile looked to her sometimes. "Personally, I preferred yours, too much thyme in Sebastian's, not enough pepper in Christopher's."

"Well, maybe I played more to your tastes." She smiled over the top of her bottle and watched his face as she said the next thing that came into her mind. "You're the one I wanted to impress." Now her foot really was in her mouth, and after a second she realised what she'd said and covered her mouth with a free hand before chuckling to herself.

As if to save Merri from any further embarrassment there was a shout from across the courtyard of "Dad!" that grabbed their attention. It saved her from having to explain anything else to him, especially after that kind of a slip. How did anyone make that kind of a slip?

"I should…" Pride motioned over his shoulder, though for a moment it was clear he'd rather stay and continue this conversation. As she replayed it in her mind she suddenly realised that she'd actually be much happier if he didn't continue this conversation, she needed to wrap her head around it herself first.

"Yeah." What the hell just happened? How was she going to explain that one away? She was just going to keep drinking and hope desperately that she would be able to write off to being drunk and loose-lipped. It didn't change the fact that she'd said it, and the fact that he'd seemed as flustered by that thought as she was at the fact she'd actually said it. Seven months in the city and she was already successfully putting her foot in it.

She spent the night drinking with her friends, then enjoyed a few more days of freedom. Including being dragged out by Pride and LaSalle the night before they came home. Claiming that the holiday had gotten her in the mood to go out. The morning she woke up to collect the kids she instantly regretted how much LaSalle had gotten her to drink, but she was grateful that the sounds and smells from downstairs told her Pride had stayed over. After a quick discussion, he agreed to take her to pick her kids up, and Merri couldn't explain exactly how grateful she was for that. She double checked the flight details and smiled waiting for them. Ten minutes after they landed Merri saw Ben running through, as he'd clearly spotted her first. "Mummy!"

"Hey Puppy! Hey Monkey!" She bent down to give Ben a huge hug before standing up and taking Millie out of Jen's arms. "I missed you guys so much." At that moment Ben noticed Pride had come with her and ran off, while Millie seemed far more content to be held by her mother, resting her head on Merri's shoulder and yawning. Merri looked to her cousin again and laughed a little. "They behaved okay?"

"The whole time. Millie hasn't slept well the last couple of nights though." Jen confirmed, smiling at Millie who decided that she was already saying goodbye by waving lazily at Jen. "Your mom told me to tell you she'd see you at Christmas, don't think you're getting out of that one." It was completely unsurprising that Olivia was sending messages to her daughter through other family members. "Who's Ben talking to?"

"Oh, my Boss." Merri smiled, looking over her shoulder to double check, seeing Pride crouched down with Ben telling him all about his trip with his grandparents. Merri was amazed that Pride managed to look like he was interested. "I'm a bit hungover so he drove me." She didn't know why she felt the need to explain that, but she did. Mostly because she knew that Jen would feed the family need for gossip if Merri didn't clarify.

" _That's_  Agent Pride?" There was something in Jens' voice, and Merri knew immediately what it was because Emily would get the same tone when she was about to try and play matchmaker. After Thanksgiving the last thing Merri needed was someone trying to set her up with her boss, she was doing a good enough job at ruining that herself.

"Don't you dare, Jen." She cautioned, absolutely certain that that would have ended badly if Merri hadn't headed it off as early as she possibly could. Which also included reminding Jen that she had another flight to catch. "Anyway, you have a husband, and I'm pretty sure you should be getting on a flight home to him."

"He'd be a step up from James, Mere." That reminded her exactly how much Jen hadn't liked James, though Emily had adored him so that had balanced itself out in her mind. Of course, Emily hadn't known what James would be like in the wake of losing her. Jen, however, had seen that and it had reinforced her opinion. "He doesn't look like the type who would leave."

"He's my boss." She said in defence, and maybe it was a weak defence. Especially since both she and Jen knew what had happened when she was younger with another supervisory agent. Merri had learnt her lesson though, and she knew it was a bad idea to do that, and she wasn't going to make that mistake again. Not that it had been a mistake before.

"Yeah but, he's hot." She laughed, nudging Merri's arm and grinned wider. Almost instantly though she tilted her head as another announcement grabbed her attention. When she heard that there was an instant change and Merri was grateful that Jen didn't live in the same city now. "That's my flight. Bye Puppy, love you!"

"Bye aunt Jen!" Ben yelled back, running over to give her another hug then immediately running back to where Pride was standing and waving from there. It was rapidly becoming obvious who was Ben's favourite right now, and Merri had already decided not to fight it.

"This conversation, it's to be continued, see you at Christmas," Jen said, giving Merri and Millie a one-armed hug before picking her bag up then grinning at Merri. Somehow, she knew what her cousin was going to say, and she was already preparing herself for Sandra Lathom to be at Christmas dinner with them again this year. "Oh, and Sandra is probably coming."

"Shit. Thanks for the heads up. See you in a month." She was making the assumption that Jen was going to be there, but Jen didn't say anything, instead, she just turned on her heel and started walking over to double check where she was supposed to be going next.

"I thought you only had one sister?" Pride asked when she got close to him and Ben, her free hand on Millie's back as her daughter got herself comfortable in Merri's arms. She couldn't remember a time that she'd been quite so happy to have the heavyweight sleeping on her, but Merri had really missed the kids, more than she thought she would.

"I did, Jen's my cousin." Pride cooked his head in the same way he did when putting clues together on a case, and she realised that he was thinking about the similarities between them. "I know, we're almost identical. My mom's family just has really strong genes so Jen, Emily and I all looked alike growing up, though Jen was always a few years older than us. She's in the JAG corps."

"Explains a lot." Pride chuckled as Merri looked over to the gate where Jen had just disappeared. She made a mental note to make sure her cousin was going to be at Christmas, as at least then she'd have at least one ally. "How about I get you guys and your mom home, huh?"

"Thank you, King." She said sincerely. There was no reason that he would have to actually do any of this for her. She was just another agent, someone who worked for him, and yet he was always making sure that she was safe, and that she and her kids had everything they needed to be settled here, it was a kindness she wasn't used to, and somehow she wasn't sure she'd ever actually get used to it.

"Couldn't have you driving hungover, could I?" Pride laughed as she realised that Millie had fallen asleep, immediately making things more difficult. "It's fine, Brody. I love your kids. Let's get you guys home." Pride grinned and picked Ben up along with the suitcase before Merri could say anything else. At times she didn't understand how Pride could be quite so selfless when it came to helping her, but she knew that if she opened herself up to the rest of the team they'd be there for her the way Pride and Loretta were too. Instead, she focused on carrying her sleeping toddler out and getting them all home, as that was what they needed most now.


	11. Stolen Valour

Merri had just been so glad that she didn't have to go straight home. She had already known that Ben was going to be singing with his school, and she knew that Katrine was bringing Millie to watch. She hadn't known if she'd get out in time to actually come and do anything here, so she hadn't told them she was coming. She'd find them after they were all done and go home with them. Instead, she was stood at the back with Pride, and she could see Ben from where she was, looking so happy and cheerful singing with all the other kids. "Where are the kids?" Pride asked as they realised more people were following behind her.

"Ben is over there with his school. Millie is somewhere with Katrine." She waved her hand to the crowd and smiled a little. She was sure the two of them would be so happy to tell her all about this when she saw them again. It was why she wanted to see them "I'm gonna walk home with them when I know LaSalle and Addie aren't around." She was still a little worried about being seen, though now she would mind all that much.

"Don't you think you're taking it a little too far now?" Pride asked, and Merri had to think about that. She wasn't so sure she was taking it too far, but she had to admit that close to a year of hiding them it wasn't all that easy and maybe, maybe LaSalle had proven himself. But she was wary, and with James being away as often as he was she didn't want to add anyone else to their lives until she was certain beyond a shadow of a doubt. Add on that she was worried them knowing more of her colleagues would mean that they saw more of her world, and that was the last thing she wanted for her children.

"Probably, I'm starting to loosen up a little, I'm just worried about them seeing our world." That was her biggest fear now, really. Somehow it was going to affect them, and she didn't want to bring that about sooner than it had to be. It was going to happen, she knew that, but she couldn't help but worry. "Like, you're my boss and they understand what that means. They only know Loretta as my friend, same with Patton."

"You do playdates with him and Jeannie, right?" Pride asked, and she nodded a little as the music started up again, she didn't really feel like singing this one, as the conversation she was having was far more interesting than the song that was playing. She wasn't even sure which language this one was in.

"Yeah, every weekend we both have free. It's great for my kids, and I think for Jeanne too. She's much less shy with them now." It had actually been really nice to see Ben and Jeanne getting used to each other, with Millie acting as the go-between for them. "Though we're going away for just over a week tomorrow, and Ben is already asking if they can call Jeannie on Christmas. He normally asks about James. So it's really nice to see him being interested in another kid."

"I can understand that, are you ready to leave?" She'd spoken before to Pride about how she was a little nervous about leaving places she was settled in, mostly because it normally meant she'd been reassigned and she wouldn't be coming back. That wasn't the case here, and it wasn't going to be, but that psychology was still there in her mind.

"No." She couldn't help but laugh at how forceful that answer had sounded, as she really didn't know how it had gotten this far with this city in only 9 months, but this was the place she felt most at home, and that was how she knew it was actually home. She finally had a home. "Is it bad I'm already looking forward to getting home."

"It's home here now is it?" Pride asked, clearly as in shock at hearing her say those words as she was to find herself saying them. She wondered if now would really be the appropriate time to tell him how much he was a part of that but decided that she could tell him later, when it was a better time, or when the words would be clearer.

"Definitely. The kids and I are all happy here." Merri felt like maybe that was an understatement, for all of them, but she was so glad that they finally had the security to not feel like they were constantly fighting against the world. "That's what matters the most when you're thinking of somewhere to call home."

"Enjoy your Christmas, home will be waiting when you come back." That was another reassurance that she hadn't had in such a very long time, and she hadn't realised how emotional it could make her. The memory of Emily swam up unbidden in her mind and she had to damp it down in a way she hadn't really expected.

"I will. There is a box in my desk for you, open it on Christmas." She had meant to put it on his desk before she left, but with LaSalle still being there she hadn't wanted to push it, and leaving something on Pride's desk without warning would have raised more questions than she wanted to admit. "It's just a little something from all three of us."

"You didn't have too." Pride beamed though, and that was enough to convince Merri that she'd made the right choice in what they'd decided to get for him and that they got him something at all. "Thank you."

"We did. I don't think you understand exactly what you gave us by asking me to stay here." Maybe this was the perfect time to tell him what it was that kept her here and let him figure out that he was the cause for all of it. "It's a stability we've never had before, and friendships I don't think I'd ever have again. My son is the happiest I've ever seen him, and my daughter finally has a family. Maybe not a blood family, but a family nonetheless."

"I'm proud of all you do, Brody. They are great kids." Pride reassured her, and sometimes Merri needed to be reminded of that, especially when they were being little shits that she felt she couldn't control. Pride reached over and squeezed her shoulder again then smiled and nodded to her, just a little bit more reassurance. "Go and enjoy Christmas with your family, we'll be waiting for you." He grinned and they both turned their attention back to the singing, Merri feeling all the more confident about it.

The next day she had set off to the airport early so they could be first through on check-in, always helpful when she was travelling with the kids, especially since the flight was actually quite a late flight and that meant that Millie was grumpy and Ben was hyperactive. He knew that they were going seeing her parents and that always made him happy. Luckily, by the time they landed and she had her stroller handed back to put the sleeping Millie in, Ben was starting to wind down too. Still, the usual fight through the crowds at Dulles was not her favourite, especially not keeping Ben in sight too. Though she was relieved when he said her father and ran straight over. "Pappy!"

"Hey little man, you behaved for your mom?" Wasn't that the question, and of course, Merri could not even begin to confirm or deny that Ben had been a terror the entire way down while Millie was asleep. Comparatively, Millie had been much worse but neither of them was the best travelling companions, and that always made it harder for her.

"Yeah, I did!" Ben said confidently, and Merri almost choked on air hearing that. Of course, a six-year-old was going to say that he'd behaved, but Merri wasn't going to let it slide that easily. Mostly because she didn't want him getting praise and treats when he'd misbehaved as badly as he had done. She was exhausted after this flight, and she'd have to do it in reverse in less than a week.

"No you didn't, I really don't want to fly home with you." She said to him then stopped beside her father and gave him a hug. Always feeling better when she saw one of her parents, no matter how difficult their relationships had once been, they always gave her the confidence to continue pushing through, and she knew that that was important. "Hi, daddy."

"Baby girl." He muttered as he held her just as tight as she hugged him. After a second she stepped back and let Ben take centre stage again. One of the unspoken trials of parenthood was that inability to get attention from your own parents when you needed it, as your children needed to come first. After a moment her dad nodded to the stroller and smiled a little. "Millie asleep?"

"Since we were somewhere over North Carolina. She didn't sleep very well last night." Which had been an unpleasant experience for them all, and Merri wondered if she was cutting another tooth, which would make for a miserable Christmas. She'd brought some teething rings and gel though, maybe that would help. "They even brought my stroller to me, which I was glad about because it meant Millie didn't need to wake up. Mom not come with you?"

"Your mom is at the house, we just need to pick up Sharon." Of course, Sharon Lathom was here. Her former mother-in-law came every Christmas, despite the fact that she ended up arguing with aunty Margaret and never having a great time. It was the only time she really got to see her grandchildren though, and Olivia secretly enjoyed watching the fighting, not that she'd ever admit to that.

"I really hoped she wouldn't actually come this year." She muttered quietly. It wasn't even that she necessarily disliked Sharon, she didn't, it was just another reminder of the fact that James wasn't there the way he really should have been. These were his children, and he never saw them.

"She wants to see her grandchildren, she doesn't see them the rest of the year." Her father made the same point that her brain was trying to convince her heart of. It may hurt, but in the long run, it was good for the kids. They would be appreciative one day, and maybe James would be if she could ever convince him to be more involved. At least she did come and see her grandchildren, and Merri would give her those bonus points.

"At least she sees them more often than James does." Did she sound bitter? Probably. She didn't care right now though. It was always harder on Christmas to be reminded that James wasn't going to be there unless somehow he'd decided to come with his mother as a surprise. Merri couldn't see him being that thoughtful though. He'd send gifts with her and call Ben on Christmas Day to open them with him.

Her father, on the other hand, just look angry that James still hadn't been to visit. Merri was used to being completely on her own with them, but she knew that it was still a surprise to those who wanted to believe better of James. "He still hasn't visited?" No matter what had happened in Merri's childhood, Paul had always been available when they'd called, and when they were home from school. He had been there for her and Emily, that was an area James was failing in.

"No, last I heard he was somewhere in Eastern Europe." She didn't even remember when that was now, October, September even. It had been a while since he'd filled in where in the world he actually was. Normally he left that vague and she didn't bother to push providing that he called and that he provided for the kids. That was important. "He does call every week to talk to Ben at least. That's better than he used to be."

"I know that James has his reasons for why he stays away so much, but I don't understand how he could miss out on these two amazing little kids." Paul looked down to where Ben was stood beside his leg, watching the people walking past. Merri was keeping an eye on him, but it looked like he was content to stand there and people watch for the moment. There were reasons, good reasons, but Merri still didn't understand either.

"I understand some days. Ben looks like Emily when he laughs, and sometimes that makes me want to cry." She knew that missing Emily was going to be something that she had to live with, but at times it was hard, especially since Ben had her laugh, and Merri loved it when he was laughing, but every time there was that stab of pain. As she thought about that she spotted him about to take off and spoke before he had chance."Hey, get back here. We're waiting on your grandma."

"But I'm tired, mummy." He moaned, and almost instantly Merri saw the bottom lip sticking out ready for the start of a tantrum, especially since they'd had a discussion about him being too big to be carried while she had Millie's stroller. It was going to be easier to head the tantrum off before anything kicked off.

"I know baby. Why don't you ask Pappy if he could carry you?" She suggested, and Ben turned his sad eyes on his grandfather, who immediately bent down and picked him up, settling him on a hip in a way that Merri just couldn't do anymore. Ben was getting to be too big for her, and that was a sad moment. "I should not get evening flights."

"Gosh, you're getting big buddy," Paul said, kissing the top of Ben's head as soon as he laid his head on Paul's shoulder. It was a sweet scene, and for a moment Merri debated pulling her phone out to snap a picture to keep this in her memory. Soon Ben would be too big for any of this, he'd want to be doing his own thing. "Did you have work this morning?"

"No, I just thought that an evening flight would give me this morning to pack. I did, but I also had to rescue Millie's meds from our neighbours' fishbowl after she decided to put them in there." That had made her more and more glad that she had them in a waterproof plastic container because it wasn't the first time that Millie's meds had ended up in water. As it was she sighed and focused on the fact that Sharon Lathom would be joining them any minute. "What time is Sharon's flight due in?"

"Funnily enough, she landed a couple of minutes before you, but she's gotta come through customs," Paul said, looking around to customs and smiling, which caused Merri to follow his gaze and groan even as Paul spoke again. "Speak of the devil." Devil was, occasionally, the right term for her. Thankfully never to Merri, but to James' brother's wife she would be absolutely vicious sometimes.

"Tell me I have to be nice to my mother-in-law." She said out of the corner of her mouth. She was tired and cranky and currently in a mental headspace where James was not her favourite person on the planet. She would be better able to deal with Sharon if that wasn't the case, but she had to use the hand she was dealt.

"You have to be nice to your mother-in-law," Paul confirmed just as quietly as Sharon stepped toward them and smiled, her bright pink bag something that even Millie would not have been fond of, though Merri had noticed Millie tended towards oranges over pinks anyway, much to her relief. How Paul seemed to be so cheerful Merri didn't know, then she remembered he hadn't flown today. She really needed to sleep. "Sharon, it's great to see you."

"Paul," Sharon replied, and Merri internally winced at the false cheerfulness she heard. There was a possibility that Sharon wasn't actually as disingenuous as Merri mentally made her out to be, but it was just the way that she always seemed to come across. Sure enough a second later Sharon came and put an arm around Merri and she had to ignore the urge to pull away. Oh, how she hated being hugged by anyone but her parents and her children but saying that was rude. "Meredith."

"Grandma!" Ben finally said, having either decided he was ignored long enough or actually waking up from the doze on Paul's shoulder. Merri wasn't entirely sure, but she knew that he was going to want all of the attention from his three grandparents for the next few days, which would at least give Merri the break she'd been craving.

"Hey little man, oh you coming to me huh? Where's your sister?" Merri decided then and there that she was going to have to make an issue out of things if Sharon woke Millie up before she needed to wake up, because it had taken enough to get her to fall asleep, and her chest still wasn't the best it could be.

"She was sleepy," Ben said quietly, pointing to the stroller Merri was stood beside. At that, she looked over to check that Millie was still just asleep, and she let out a breath of air when she gave a twitch and a mumble. Something else that she'd inherited from James that Merri found far more adorable on a toddler than on an adult.

"Someone else is sleepy too," Merri interjected and smiled a little seeing Ben nod before laying his head on his grandmother's shoulder this time. She hadn't seen him like this for a couple of years, so he must have been exhausted, which would explain so much. "Come on, let's go get you to bed. Mommy needs to sleep to." Merri felt like she'd been on a 72-hour case without catching a break, and she was ready to just get back to her bedroom and collapse.

Merri stayed quiet on the drive back to Arlington, and thankfully Sharon quickly stopped trying to force conversation too. Once they were back at the house, Merri had pled exhaustion and taken the kids up to sleep, ending up with Ben in her bed after a tantrum and Millie asleep in the playpen that her parents had set up for her. Waking up the following morning she was not really ready for Christmas day and the family it brought but she pushed through. Thankfully there were plenty of people to keep an eye on the kids, giving Merri a break. She was sat in the conservatory reading a book when she heard the last voice she wanted to speak too, but she knew she needed to. "So, you're doing alright with the kids?"

"Yeah, we're not doing too badly." She had to admit that, and it was going to be easier to just have this conversation with Sharon than to ignore her and pretend that she wasn't there. Besides, no matter what the woman did deserve to know what was going on with her grandchildren since her son couldn't tell her. "I have a good support system where I am now." That was an understatement really, Pride, Patton and Loretta were amazing, and they gave her all the help she felt she should have been getting from James.

"You're still in Chicago?" Hadn't Merri told her that they'd moved? As she thought it over she groaned to herself and regretted instantly that she'd missed Sharon out of the people she'd needed to update. Mentally she added Sharon to that list, and as soon as it was polite to do so, she'd update the physical list in her phone too.

"No, actually. We moved to New Orleans in April, the kids love it." Merri didn't add that she loved it too, she felt like that was probably obvious from the smile she had felt spread across her face. She'd never been excited about Chicago, it was where she worked, nothing more. New Orleans was where she lived, and where she called home. "Millie's been so much better since we were there. We've only had one bout of pneumonia this year."

"Her lungs still bad?" Sharon frowned and looked as though she was going to get up and check on her immediately. Merri just nodded but shrugged. She knew someone would get her if Millie was having problems, probably Millie herself, in reality. The toddler hated that she was always out of breath, and if it was worse than normal she liked to make sure that Merri knew about.

"They are getting better, the BPD is resolving but she's always going to have breathing problems and asthma." Millie had just decided to put her appearance in so early, there were always going to be problems with underdevelopment and associated issues. Managing it any way that they could, and that had gotten easier since they'd moved to s hotter, more humid climate.

"Has James met her? He hasn't spoken to me recently." There was a sadness that Merri could understand there. She couldn't imagine going any length of time where Ben or Millie wasn't speaking to her, even if it was for work. Merri was sure it was isolating for Sharon, and maybe she should try being more charitable. She just wanted to feel like she was involved, and James was definitely not helping her feel involved.

As for whether he'd come to meet his daughter, she was disappointed that he hadn't, but still totally unsurprised. "Not yet. I emailed him our new address, and he calls her and Ben once a week." He had gotten even better at sticking to that recently too. She just hated that he hadn't come to visit, and if she couldn't say it to Sharon, who could she. "Now he has a daughter he seems even more determined to avoid us."

"One day he'll get there, Merri. He does love the kids." Sometimes, she doubted that. But in her heart, Merri knew that Sharon was right. James loved all of them, but he hadn't managed to get over things enough to be there with them all the time. If he could make a commitment Merri would be able to overlook most things, but the lack of commitment was where her struggles were coming from.

"I know he does. I do I know, but sometimes though I'm so mad that he got to escape, because I don't get to leave." Didn't she suddenly feel both relief and guilt? She loved her children but she really wished she got to be free from time to time. No matter how much she loved them, she was always going to wish that she got a break like James seemed to have all the time. "I barely have time to go out with anyone and I even struggle at work."

"I'll try and convince him to take an assignment in New Orleans as soon as he can," Sharon said, putting a hand out and squeezing Merri's shoulder, then falling silent while she let Merri pull herself back together and try to ignore the guilt she had now for feeling the way that she did at times.

"Thanks. I would like for him to meet Millie, and to spend some time with Ben." She really wanted both of those things, although she knew that Millie wasn't necessarily going to react to James too well the first time. She always seemed to be a little cautious for a few minutes, then she wouldn't care at all. Mostly though, it would be good for Ben. "Ben misses him, even though he is doing better since bonding some with my boss."

"I'm just glad you're managing OK, or you're trying to at least." Sharon just smiled, quiet support being exactly what Merri needed right then. She just sat staring blankly at her book again for a few seconds as she formulated something to say back, but everything seemed like it had been said.

"Yeah, I think we're doing OK. Thanks, Sharon." That was really all she could think of, and she was glad that Sharon seemed to take the hint that there was not that much else Merri could take to talk about right now, and that included ways to convince James to come home, which had been one of Sharon's conversation topics every year for the last 5 years. Merri had too many other things on her mind right now to be thinking about that though, and maybe Sharon needed to give up on it too.

She ended up trying to relax for a few hours longer, then her Skype chimed, and before she even answered it she knew who it would be without looking at the name. Only one person ever called her Skype, and it certainly wasn't anyone she'd talk to on her own these days. "Ben, come here." She shouted, then answered it as Ben ran and jumped on her knee. Just as he got settled James' face filled the laptop screen, and Merri had to admit, it was nice to see him smile.

"Daddy!" Ben yelled loudly, and Merri was glad that Millie was sleeping upstairs where she wouldn't be distracted, and in a way she was glad that Sharon was getting to spend a little time with her, even if it was while she was asleep, though she'd been reading to her for a while before that had happened.

"Hi little man, did you save my presents to open now?" James just spoke to his son, and Merri was thankful for that, as she needed not to think about anything else, and she was probably going to shout at him if he did address her. That wouldn't be good for any of them, especially in front Ben.

"Mummy did!" Ben smiled and clapped his hands, and at that, she stood him up so she could move to the side and get the presents. half of them were Millie's so she started to separate them out as she listened to Ben and James talking, at least until something brought her attention to the conversation.

"Where's Millie?" James suddenly asked, as if remembering that they had two children, not just their son. Not that the toddler would be there right now, truthfully Merri didn't think that Millie had any idea who she was talking to when Merri set her down in front of these calls. She stayed where she was largely because of Ben but always seemed a little confused.

"She fell asleep, it's her nap time. She's with your mom." She didn't really mean it as snappily as it came out, but she was annoyed because she had told him when Millie's bedtime was. But Christmas still didn't have that much meaning to her, next year it would be a much bigger deal, and if he missed her then Merri wouldn't bite her tongue.

"I'm sorry I didn't call earlier, MB." James started to apologise, to excuse, and Merri was into the place where she was going to be able to handle that. She just couldn't because no matter what he said, it wasn't going to change the facts that he hadn't called when she'd told him to, and that was what she was angry about.

"Leave it, J. Focus on Ben." She said to her ex-husband, then she leant down and kissed the top of Ben's head and spoke quietly. She knew she couldn't stay in the room right then, so she made an excuse knowing that Ben would be alright for a few minutes. "Open these with dad, I'm gonna go check on Monkey." She smiled then went straight out into the corridor, seeing her mother stood almost directly outside the door on the other side of the corridor.

"James called?" She asked though Merri was certain that she didn't need the confirmation. Olivia Brody never did, she just knew things, and that was without her ever asking or being told. That was even more confusing to Merri, but she always just rolled with it, as it was easier than trying to figure out how Olivia knew things.

"He's on Skype with Ben." She said, then sagged back against the opposite wall and frowned. She was so tired right now, she hadn't felt this tired back home, and she didn't remember ever feeling this tired before. Maybe it was being around so much family, she realised how different her life was to theirs. "Why did I think I could do this mom? You were right all along, I don't think I can keep doing this."

"Yes you can, Meredith. You've already proven me wrong countless times over." Wait. Had her mother just admitted that she was wrong about something? That was a surprise that Merri hadn't expected, but it was nice to hear. "I know you will do what you can to try and make this easier on them, and you'll succeed. I never thought you'd manage this well without wanting to come home to get help, but you're doing amazingly. You like your new job, you love where you live now. Small steps."

"I do love it, and my new boss is amazing with the kids, he really tries to keep them included if I'm stuck without childcare." Which hadn't happened often, but occasionally he'd given her a free day when she couldn't get Katrine in, or he'd made sure that she could work on files at home or from somewhere else that was child-friendly. "But I have a lovely nanny and great friends there."

"Be proud of yourself, Meredith. I am." Those were words that Merri didn't hear all often, but it was always nice when she did. It was a reminder that no matter what Olivia was going to be there for her, even if it didn't always feel like that. When it came to it, her mother always had her back and was on her side.

"Thanks, mom, I really needed that." She hadn't even realised that she needed to be picked up from the bottom of the pile, but she had and now she felt so much better. It was not at all easy to be doing this, but she was doing it. She was doing the best she could for her children, and that meant the world.

"Go back to your son, I'll keep an eye on Millie and Sharon." Olivia smiled and nodded back to the door, in a not so subtle way telling Merri to get over whatever it was in her mind that had made her come out here to begin with, that Ben was more important than her feelings, and Ben deserved time with his father as much as he could get.


	12. Baitfish

The last thing anyone had been expecting was a bomb at the event. She'd come for a night out, something to take her mind off the fact that Ben was feeling rebellious and Millie was getting what Merri hoped was her last tooth through. Then they'd all been diving for cover. LaSalle and Sebastian were, of course, already starting. Most of them were gearing up for being the lead in this investigation. It was a navy event, they were the 'navy cops', it was only logical that it would fall to them. Unfortunately, she had something to check so she grabbed Loretta as she passed. "Can you keep them busy a moment, I have to call my kids and try to diffuse the media some."

"Sure, I'll only tell them you're dealing with the press though." Loretta squeezed her arm going past and they both just paused for a second and looked over this. Pride and Laurel had already gone to follow Orion, leaving the rest of the team to do what they did best. Merri just needed to focus on the job, but she wouldn't be able to do that until she'd at least checked in at home.

"Thanks." She said after a moment, then stepped away again and pulled her phone out, immediately selecting Katrine's number and hoping that she was nearby and that at least Millie had gone to bed. Merri knew that Ben was not the best for sleeping, so she doubted he'd be in bed just yet. "Hey, Katrine." She wasn't going to hide the sigh of relief that slipped out when there was an answer.

"Agent Brody, are you OK?" There was a lot of worry in Katrine's voice, and that made Merri shudder for a second when she realised that if they'd been near the table that something much worse could have happened. To her and to the others. In a way, they were lucky with the injury numbers so far. She hoped that Orion wouldn't be added to the death toll.

"Yeah, I'm fine. A little shaken up but OK." She would process the effect it would have on her mind when she got time to sit down and think. That wasn't right now, she had a job to do now and she didn't have the luxury of thinking about herself. What she really needed was to make sure the kids were safe until she got off. "Can you stay with the kids tonight, I'm gonna have to work this now since it was the Navy Gala."

"Sure. I'll stay until you're home. I was worried about you." Katrine had become almost a part of her family, and in a way, Merri felt slightly better knowing that she had been worried about her, just because it was nice to know that someone could be still, despite everything that had happened.

"Thanks. Are the kids there?" She suddenly just wanted to hear one of them, talk to Ben or try and talk to Millie if she was awake. It would just help Merri to centre herself again. What she'd do in this situation if she didn't have the kids she didn't actually know, but she didn't have to think about it, she had this reality.

"Millie's asleep, Ben is supposed to be asleep, but I'm pretty sure he's still playing cars. Want me to go see?" Of course Ben was playing cars, that was his favourite thing to do right now, though Merri wasn't all that appreciative of the crash noises that he liked to make when he slammed them together. She guessed that that was part of being a six-year-old boy though.

"Yeah, if you don't mind." She had reconsidered momentarily. It was loud and there were sirens and a lot of people talking about secondary devices, but this was Merri's job and Ben knew that. She was sure that he wouldn't even be focusing on that. He'd be happier that his mom was the one talking to him. Until he got bored, at least.

"Sure," Katrine said happily, and Merri just waited, listening to the sounds of Katrine walking through the house, clearly not wanting to call Ben on the off chance of waking Millie up. Who Millie had inherited her love of sleep from Merri wasn't sure, but that toddler did not like to be woken up. A minute or so of silence was followed by a door opening and then Katrine spoke again. "Hey Ben, it's your mommy."

"Mum!" She heard yelped and Ben taking the phone. She could picture his struggle to hold the phone in the right place at first, just like always. It was something else that brought her a modicum of comfort and a reason to focus and get home faster. She was probably going to be at work until they solved this, or at least as long as she could without collapsing, so it might be a while before this was sorted.

"Hey kiddo, are you behaving for Katrine?" She asked, knowing that Ben would say he was no matter what, and since Katrine hadn't said that he was misbehaving she was going to assume that he was actually doing as he was told. That was quite a change than that morning.

"Yeah. When are you coming home?" It was asked earnestly, and Merri wondered what he wanted to tell her because that was normally why he wanted her to be home at that moment. He hadn't quite mastered that she would remember everything that he told her on the phone and just liked to be able to see her when he spoke.

"Soon as I can, Pup." She hated when he asked that because it was inevitably on a night when she couldn't be home. He would have no reason to ask on an average night because she'd already be there with him. At least she hoped that she was teaching him that sometimes you had to help other people even when you wanted to do something else. "I gotta go to work, but I wanted to say goodnight."

"Night. Oh, Dad called tonight." James called. Well, that explained why Ben wanted her home. Probably to try and find out exactly when James would be there. Merri had been texting him almost daily for over a month now that he needed to call his children, it was her routine. She'd wake up and she'd text James the same message, then get on with the rest of her day.

"Good, I'm glad he did. Did you have a good talk with him?" Somehow Merri was pretty sure that even if they didn't have a great conversation with her son it would be amazing because it meant that he was speaking to his father. That was really the only thing that matter to Ben when James actually called.

"Yeah. It was good. He said he'd come visit soon." Ben sounded excited, and Merri just had to push down a groan. How many times had James promised that in the last two years? She didn't even remember for sure, but it was a lot. Less so since they'd moved to New Orleans, but still more often than not. He still hadn't come.

"I'm sure he'll try." She wanted to add more about not getting his hopes up, but as she looked up LaSalle caught her eye and gave a hand signal that said she needed to wrap it up, then he pointed to the growing throng of reporters outside the cordon they'd set up. "OK Puppy, I gotta go back to work. Sleep well." She smiled when he returned the wish and promised to get into bed. After a few more words with Katrine, she went on to work, knowing she needed to get going.

It was a fast-moving investigation, and they soon thought they knew who it was, they weren't entirely surprised either when they weren't right. They never were with the first guess. Unfortunately, the fact that Baitfish pulled the fast one on Pride meant that he had managed to get away. After setting all the alerts and the police and arrest records up she knew that she had only one job left to do, she needed to save Pride from himself and get him to get some sleep. She also hoped she could make Laurel and Orion smile a little. So instead of going home when she'd filed away the paperwork, she got Katrine to bring the kids to the hospital and smiled when she met them. "Hey, guys. Mommy missed you!"

"Why are we at the hospital. Is Millie sick again?" Ben asked as soon as he'd been let go and Millie had settled back on her feet instead of Merri or Katrine carrying her. Millie could be very lazy and expect people to carry her still, so it was nice to see that she was happy to walk a little today.

"She's right there, Ben. You can see she's not sick." She shook her head and laughed a little, though that was the main reason they came to the hospital since Millie had been born. So much of it was spent in the ER though, and rarely did they come to this side of the hospital. "We're visiting Laurel and Orion, thanks, Katrine."

"You taking them home from here?" Katrine asked with a smile, ruffling Millie's hair as she looked down. Merri felt like Katrine deserved a medal for working almost as much as Merri did. Though she had days off while Ben was in school and Millie was at daycare, it still had her spending more time working overnight than Merri liked, but it couldn't be helped.

"Yeah, you take the rest of the day off, and I have tomorrow off too so I'll be home." She was looking forward to that, and Merri was certain that Katrine would be grateful to have a day free too. Merri was mostly happy that she'd get to spend the day with her kids, and possibly get to sleep in for a little while.

"Call me if you need me, bye guys." Katrine waved, and walked away, which at first led to Millie chasing after her, and laughing loudly when Merri had had to run and turn her right around.

"Bye Kitty!" Ben called after her while Merri captured Millie again, then they all walked up to the ward where Orion was being treated now he was out of intensive care. She knew that they'd only be able to take the kids in because Orion was in a private room. As soon as they got near Ben saw Pride and Laurel and was far more excited than Merri had expected. "Laurel!"

"Hey, guys." Laurel replied with a smile, and as soon as she got there Millie held her hands up to Laurel in the almost universal toddler symbol for 'up'. Millie might not talk much still, but she made sure that everyone knew what she wanted. "Oh, you want me huh, that's cool. Wanna come say hello to Orion?" As soon as the question was asked Ben was off, and Laurel took Millie with her. She'd been back with her kids for 10 minutes and already they were more interested in someone else.

"They couldn't abandon you quicker, huh?" Pride chuckled, watching their children all retreating into Orion's room. Merri smiled and went to lean against the wall beside the seat that Pride had made his home over the last couple of days. She wasn't sure he'd moved all that much from this point. From all accounts, he'd eaten and slept here when he hadn't come to help the case.

"Nope, they really adore Laurel though, and she's great with them." That was something that nobody could deny, and it was obvious immediately how much Laurel was loved. As she stood there Merri reached out and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it softly before she asked the question he probably dreaded. "How are you holding up?"

"Better than yesterday. Took Laurel back to the office, we both got some sleep." She was relieved to hear that both he and Laurel had gotten some sleep, that was something that worried her. Still, she wanted to convince him to get some more, because none of them had slept that well recently. "You spoke to everyone?"

"We cleared off the case, passed Paul Jenks officially over to the FBI as a missing fugitive. I filed all your paperwork, don't worry. We had it handled. DC put us on bypass today and tomorrow." Two days off, it was what the whole team needed to recharge. She knew that LaSalle had driven up to spend tonight with his mother and sister, while Loretta and Sebastian were both given the days off too since they mostly worked with the NCIS team.

"Hi, you must be Orion's parents." Merri smiled as she saw two people stopping the other side of Pride, and both of them managed to look like their son in a way. She continued smiling politely but withdrew her hand a little as they stayed stood there for a few seconds. It wasn't that she was being inappropriate, but it felt wrong that she be standing like that with him.

"You're Laurel's mom?" Orion's mother asked, and if she hadn't been taken aback Merri was sure that she would have burst out laughing immediately. As it was she just looked at them a second, wondering exactly how young they thought Linda was if she was being mistaken for her.

"No, oh no. I'm too young for that. I work with Pride." She would have been 16 when Laurel was born, so not entirely too young to be her mother, but it would be weird. Instead, Merri decided to laugh and point out that she did know what was going on with her kids being here too. "The two kids in there right now are mine."

"Jen, Peter, this is Meredith." Pride finally caught up with the conversation and stood up to introduce her properly. That was the clearest sign there was that he really needed to get a full night's sleep, and she would be making sure that he got it. How she was going to do that right now she wasn't sure, but she'd work that out when she got there.

A few hours passed, and it ended up being that both Millie and Ben fell asleep with Orion, and that was a sign for her that she needed to leave. Thankfully Pride offered to help her down to the car. She saw that as time to convince him to come away too. "Come on, I'll drive you back to the office. Unless you want to come stay at mine tonight." She suddenly realised how that sounded and sought to clarify what she meant. "You could help me get the kids in bed, I always have to wake Ben up when I'm on my own."

"Alright, you won me over." He sighed softly but smiled at her, and she knew that he was trying to pretend he was mad about this. This was for his own good though, and she was absolutely certain that he hadn't properly slept since all this started, even if he had been back at the office. At least if he was back at her place she could keep an eye on him. "Being around people will be a good thing, that wins."

"I thought just the prospect of my company would do that." She teased, just enjoying pushing his buttons when they were alone. It was something she didn't do as much when LaSalle was around, as it just felt like she was stepping too far over the line, but like this, she was happy to tease. They reached her car and managed to get both sleeping children into their car seats before Pride responded again.

"Your company is a big draw, I gotta admit. I'll just go up and tell Laurel." She actually found herself smiling as she made the realisation that she actually did fit in and belong here. That was a new experience for her, so she wasn't used to it yet. "You gonna be alright here on your own?" He asked though it was clear that he was teasing her back for what she'd said earlier.

"I have a badge and a gun, I'll be fine." She got Millie settled then watched Pride jogging back over to the hospital, grinning even more to herself. It was nice to belong somewhere again, and that was how she was starting to feel here. She hadn't had that since Emily died and James had left. She, Ben and Millie had become their own unit, but they hadn't belonged anywhere, they had just existed there.

Ten minutes later she was sat in the driver's seat when Pride jogged out and climbed in beside her. She didn't know where his car was and she wasn't going to ask, instead, she'd focus on Laurel. Orion's family wasn't exactly local and she couldn't go to the office if Pride wasn't there. "Where is Laurel staying tonight?"

"With Katrine, she normally stays there when visiting now. Since we closed up the house." That made sense, more sense than she'd actually assumed. She couldn't imagine a 20-something would actually enjoy sleeping in the offices of a federal building. It certainly wasn't a natural mental image.

"Yeah, I guess the office isn't the best place to stay." It slipped out before she really thought it through, and before she started driving she looked at him sheepishly and shrugged. "Sorry, I didn't…" She started, and she wasn't sure what to actually say. So it was probably lucky that Pride waved it off anyway.

"Don't apologise for being right." Pride trailed off, and Merri started driving through the city in the silence. It was only as she drove down Canal Street that Pride spoke again, possibly due to the proximity to the office, especially as she turned to go along Royal. "It's not always the best place, and sometimes it can get lonely there." That was the first time she'd heard Pride admit to that, though she wasn't surprised it was lonely there.

"Well, whenever you're feeling lonely… you know where my mad house is." She replied after another few minutes. She was never sure how far she should extend those invitations. She enjoyed Pride's company, he was a good friend and she was sure that he would appreciate the offer, but at the same time, she remained very aware that he was her superior. Instead, she threw caution to the wind and thought about how the kids would enjoy it, especially Ben. "The kids always love to see you, and I like having some adult company."

"I don't know how you manage this on your own, Brody." Pride replied again as she pulled up outside her house. She looked back in the mirror happy to see that both Ben and Millie were still sound sleep. "When Laurel was small, I had Linda at home and still sometimes being a parent was hard to handle in this job." He reached over to squeeze her shoulder, and she was surprised when he used the opportunity to stroke her cheek with his finger, not that that was really an unwelcome gesture either.

"Don't really have a choice, do I?" It was a sarcastic question, but she knew that he meant it as a compliment. "I love my kids, I wouldn't change them for the world but I'm not gonna pretend it's easy, and I'm not gonna pretend like I don't resent the hell out of you and the job when you call me away in the middle of the night." She had to be honest about that, and she hated that she wasn't always there to put her kids to bed or get them up in a morning, but she knew what they did was important. "But that doesn't stop me loving this job, and the people we help while doing it." They both slid out of the car, and Pride walked around to her side before she'd really thought all that much about what she was saying.

"You're a constant amazement to me." Pride smiled as he came closer with every word. Normally Merri would step back, but something in her told her to stand her ground and face this down because it needed to be addressed."You're smart, you're tough… you're beautiful." He whispered the last, placing a hand on her cheek and standing close in front of her. She looked up and met his eyes for a moment, and she knew that everything they had said to each other recently, the teasing, the flirting, it could all come to a head here. However much she might want that, it was a bad idea.

"King…" She whispered after a second and pulling away as she did. She was fairly sure this was coming from a place of uncertainty in his life, and loneliness in hers, so should really just be ignored. She stepped further back from him again and went to get Millie out of her seat. "Come on, let's get these guys inside." Merri couldn't process this right then. They went in quietly and got both the kids into pyjamas and into bed without waking them up, then when they stopped in the corridor outside they just stopped and looked at each other.

The atmosphere between them was thick and heavy, and Merri tried to focus on the logical part of her brain that kept reminding herself that no matter how attractive he was and how much she wanted this, it would be a terrible idea. After a second they both opened their mouths, but Pride's made a sound first. "Merri, I…"

"I know, it was just a weak moment. I get it." She cut him off and tried to stop this going where she knew it would end. His face showed the surprise, and he clearly had to scramble to keep his train of thought. She didn't know what to make of that, but it clearly meant something to him.

"That… wasn't what I was going to say at all." He shook his head, and that made her mind stop in its tracks. "I was going to say that… I meant every word." He spoke quietly, and while she wasn't thinking about it she took a step toward him, watching him making the same move. A second later he had his hand on her hip, and she looked up and caught his gaze before licking her lips gently.

"King… I'm one of your agents, it's not exactly appropriate." Her voice was weak, and she could feel her self-control crumbling with every second that passed. She wasn't exactly known for having the most willpower for something like this, and her boss standing in front of her like this was testing its limits.

"Has that ever stopped you before?" It was a fair question, one that she already knew he knew the answer to. Gibbs' half answer on her very first case here would have told him that. Neither of them had been subtle then, and Pride wasn't exactly being subtle now. He inched almost impossibly closer and she almost gave up then and there.

"No, but I'm sure it's stopped you." She actually wasn't sure of that. Mostly before anything would have been stopped by his being married, not by the appropriateness of their positions. When his lips met hers she gave up thinking and just gave in, wrapping her arms around his neck as they started to pull closer. When they broke for air she took a few deep breaths then spoke again. "We really shouldn't be doing this."

"Do you want me to stop?" He asked as his lips started kissing down her neck. By that point, she knew there was no coming back from this appropriateness or not. There were few things that she couldn't resist, but this was one of them and so she just swallowed harshly and decided that she could deal with the consequences in the morning.

"Hell no." She ended up muttering, and just let the moment sweep her along. It wasn't worth fighting anymore when it was clearly something they both wanted. All she hoped was that this wasn't going to change too much between them. For the first night in months she slept deeply and soundly, not waking up once until an extra heavy weight landed on the bed. She knew it wasn't Millie, which left only one option. "Hey, Puppy don't jump on the bed, I'm still trying to sleep."

"Why's King here?" Ben asked, bouncing on Merri's legs as he knelt on the end of the bed, causing her to wince in pain and grumble about it. She was definitely not happy about being woken up, and it had been a while since she'd done this with someone else in the bed with her. "This isn't his house."

"He slept over last night." She groaned, finally managing to move her legs from under where Ben was bouncing as she felt Pride roll over slightly to watch this going on. All she wanted to do was go back to sleep, the night before had exhausted her and she really didn't fancy getting up when the clock only read 6 am. "Shush come on, I never get lie-ins anymore."

"Can I go watch TV?" Ben asked a moment later after bouncing his way off the bed. Merri felt like that innocent question was going to end badly for her, but Merri just didn't want to have to get up, and she knew she had today off anyway so no matter what the kids did to her she could try and clean up after them.

"Sure, take Millie with you. I'll be down to make breakfast soon." She wasn't clarifying when soon was, and she grumbled a little more, feeling Pride nudging her shoulder with his forehead as if telling her to calm down. "Just don't break anything, mommy still need some sleep."

"Millie does too since she's asleep still." Well, at least one of them knew that weekend mornings when she didn't have to work were special and she didn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn. Something that Ben had never really had. He was up at first light every day when he didn't have to be, and faked it when he did. "Bye." He then called a minute later and Merri half wanted to follow, but instead, she just flopped down face first and screamed into a pillow.

"I'm gonna kill him." She muttered when she eventually had to pull her head out of the pillows to breathe. Merri had just wanted one morning where she may have been able to try and get some sleep, but that hadn't seemed to work so well, all because she had a six-year-old.

Pride was far more cheerful about their disrupted morning, and he kissed her shoulder softly before speaking to just remind her that things were OK, nothing was being destroyed and as long as the toddler was asleep she was probably OK to go back to sleep too. "No you're not, go back to sleep."

"I can't now I know he's up." She could, and probably would, but she knew that she shouldn't. She was mostly just grumpy that it was 6 am and she didn't have a good reason to be awake. She could deal with it when she had a good reason. "And it's 6 am. Great. Why doesn't he get up this early when he has school?"

"Laurel was the same, come on, let's try and go back to sleep for a little while." Pride cajoled her a little more, and his gentle teasing and pulling her into a close embrace convinced her that trying for a few more hours sleep was not necessarily going to end the world.

"You know… we're going to have to talk about this eventually." She mumbled as they both cuddled back down. She wasn't sure what this was, but she was certain that it shouldn't be something that happened again, no matter how much she had enjoyed it. There were certain things that wouldn't fit well.

"Shush, it can wait until the morning." Pride replied, and she was ready to try and do just that. Her eyes were drifting closed as she felt his lips gently kissing her shoulder again. "I'm not sorry about this." He then muttered in her ear, and she had to try and think of a way to reply to it.

"Me either, surprisingly." Was all her sleepy mind would come up with to say. She needed to wait and talk about it in the morning because at this moment in time she just wanted to sleep. "But you're right, let's talk about it in the morning. Real morning, not 6 am." They would work it out. They always did. Nothing would change, or maybe everything would. One way or another though, it would be right.


	13. The Abyss

It had been a little over a week since she'd woken up with her boss in bed with her, and surprisingly Merri had been able to write off what happened to the insane emotions that had been swirling around. She hadn't felt like she and Pride had needed to talk much more about it than their initial agreement that they would forget about it, but even now she felt like he was watching her to see if she was going to run away. It wasn't going to happen, and she wanted him to stop looking at her that way. She was here to stay. "You can stop looking at me like that, I'm fine."

"You're sure?" It was the same thing he'd asked her every time she'd assured him that she was fine every day of the last week, it was how she was going to stay, and she wasn't unhappy about it at all. Really she just wished that he would take what she was saying at face value and stop wanting her to prove it and repeat it.

"It's been a week, Pride. You don't need to keep checking up on me." She smiled and spoke softly, especially knowing that LaSalle was only in the kitchen and they didn't need him knowing they'd spent a night together. "We agreed it was a weak moment for us both and let's just… leave it in the past, yeah. Time to move on." She went back to the file on her desk, wanting to finish what she had to do and she knew that he wouldn't keep pushing now she'd made it completely clear.

"Alright. I'm glad we're in agreement." He said after a second, and she looked up in time to see him nodding before he went back to his desk to work on whatever he had in front of him, she was only half listening when he got a call, though she knew from his entire demeanour that they had a new case. "We're being called in by CGIS."

"Oh?" She asked, purely because she knew that CGIS tended to be quite independent and preferred working on their own cases. That made Merri wonder exactly what it was that had lead to CGIS calling them in, especially somewhere like New Orleans when there was likely back-up. That lead Merri to figuring there was a navy connection somewhere in the mess.

"Yep, this should be interesting for you, ever worked with CGIS?" Pride asked as he started getting his things together, after a moment she did the same while trying to cast her mind back to see if she had somehow worked a little with CGIS, she didn't remember doing so though. So it was nice to know that there was a first time for everything.

"Homeland, TSA, ATF, FBI…" She just started rattling them off, and while she wasn't lying it was quite fun to freak people out by how easily she could just list them. They were all in different cities too which was probably even more impressive. She'd never really thought about it all that much though. Merri had learnt to only do this when she wanted to try impressing someone.

"Okay, smarty pants." Pride shook his head while chuckling a little, that just caused her to grin wider. She loved that reaction. Once she was sure she had everything she got ready to get going and focus on the case. It was at the moment that Pride called through to complete their trio and she refocused on what they had to do. "Come on, Christopher, we've got a case."

The one thing that hated most were cases that involved kids. It was, of course, worse if the kid was the victim but it just drove it home to her how dangerous her life was when it involved a parent. As she looked at the little boy who was likely going to grow up without his mother she thought of Millie and Ben and wished she could protect them more. "You're good with him." She heard suddenly and looked up to see LaSalle had come through again.

"I've had a lot of practice." She smiled, pulling a face at the toddler in her lap. He was barely older than Millie, and that had helped when he'd been brought here since she could grab the toys she had in her car and they would make do for the moment. She didn't like that there was nothing else that she could do, but she was doing all she could.

"With who? Nobody we know has kids!" There was something about the way he said that that bothered her and she couldn't exactly explain why either. Merri just didn't know exactly how to take it. For one thing, she did have friends outside of NCIS, admittedly not many of them and nearly all related to Ben's school, but they did exist. On the other hand, she also could have had practice when she was younger, and it wasn't all about what she had now.

"That's not entirely accurate…" Merri faltered and realised that this was going to be it, it was going to be the time she revealed to LaSalle that she had a kid. Not just one, but two. She'd put this off for almost a year, but she was ready for it today only because she knew that it would inform why she was the way she was about this case.

"Who do you know who has kids?" That sounded more like a challenge than a standard question, and Merri didn't really have the time or desire to deal with that. She also really didn't want to react with annoyance and worry the toddler she had sat on her knee and was trying to distract from everything that was going on right now.

She thought for a second more how to say it then just looked at him squarely and said the most honest and obvious thing. "Well… me." She then let it sink in and went back to playing with the cars and the child who seemed to be very entertained by them. Merri wasn't sure how, but she remembered when Ben was little he'd always been fascinated by this sort of thing too.

"Wait… what? You have kids?" LaSalle asked after a few moments of silence as he'd processed the bombshell she'd just dropped on him. She didn't need to look up at him to see the gobsmacked look on his face, and that was enough for her to think that this had all been worthwhile.

"Yeah I do, two of 'em." She smiled a little more as she thought about getting home to them tonight regardless of where the case was. She didn't want to have to stay away from them when they had this kind of a case, and in a lot of ways, she was lucky that Pride was her boss as he understood how she was feeling about this.

"How does nobody know?" LaSalle asked again after another few moments. She smiled then let the toddler down onto the floor and watched as he ran out into the courtyard, seemingly to show his grandfather the toy he'd claimed from the table. It was one that Millie wasn't that fond of so she didn't mind letting that one go.

"Some people do know, I just… wanted to keep them away from all of this." That had always been her primary motivation when it came to her children. She'd wanted to keep them away from knowing that the world was even close to how they dealt with every single day. She wanted them to still believe that people were inherently good, and with her job, that wasn't always easy to believe. "I told Pride because he needed to know, Loretta knew because I live next door to her and Patton partly guessed but we have playdates now." She wasn't sorry about either of those things either, especially with how much her kids loved Patton.

"So it's just me and Sebastian?" LaSalle asked, though at least he looked like he was accepting this a little better than she was expecting. Somehow she'd just assumed that they wouldn't necessarily be happy that she'd lied to them for the best part of a year, but her priorities had been right, and she didn't feel bad about it. She also wasn't quite ready to let Sebastian know, as she got the feeling he might not take it quite so well.

"Well, yeah I guess." She was sure there were other people who either didn't know yet or didn't care. Including most of NCIS, but Merri just couldn't bring herself to think that she'd done something wrong. "I just didn't want my kids to ever be part of this pantomime. Especially since I'm all they've got."

"Their dad the ex-husband?" That was not the most pleasant way of phrasing it, but she'd let it go given that she had just dropped this huge thing on him, and even as a co-worker it wasn't the easiest of things to just have dropped on your head when you weren't at all expecting it.

"James, yeah. Ben is 6 and Millie is 21 months." Sometimes it still didn't seem like they were getting as big as they were. She reminded herself that when Millie turned 2 it would only be a matter of months before Ben was turning 7 and getting even bigger. LaSalle now knowing did mean that she didn't need to worry about bringing them by the office so much. "Maybe you can meet them one day."

"They know what you do?" that was also a fair question and one that she never really knew how to answer. She didn't like lying to the kids, but Millie was far too young to really understand it at all, Ben understood for the most part, but a lot of it still went over his head. She didn't want to tell him too much either, it was a fine line to walk.

"Ben is old enough to understand I'm like a cop. Millie isn't even old enough to know what any of those words really mean." That was all she could think to really say about it at all. Maybe eventually they could help her explain it better, but for the moment she was happy that they knew enough that wouldn't struggle to answer if asked.

"I'm not sure the world is ready for two more of you." LaSalle laughed after a few seconds, and Merri had to agree with that. It was partly why she was glad that Ben took after James so strongly. It certainly made things a lot easier for her when it came to talking him down. Unlike Millie, Millie was definitely not that easy to deal with in any sense of the word.

"Ben takes more after his father, luckily for me. Millie is all me though." She laughed a little, but mostly to hide the fact that really Millie was all like Emily, and not as much like Merri as it was easy to say she was. She then grabbed her phone and scrolled through the gallery until she had a good photo and handed it to LaSalle. "Here, these are my kids."

"They're cute," LaSalle said slightly noncommittally, and that was exactly why she didn't talk about her kids that much even when people did know about them. People didn't really care, she didn't care about other people's kids most of the time so she wasn't going to inflict that on other people, she was better than that.

"Only when they stand still." She laughed and watched as Pride came in, knowing that he wouldn't disagree with what she was thinking about saying about Millie. "My daughter is going to take over the world one day, and I'm not sure that'll be a good thing." Millie was definitely the one who wanted everything to go her way, even though she wasn't even two yet. "She's very stubborn."

"Get's it from her mom, I'm sure." Pride said almost instantly as he then stopped between the two of them and nodded at the main office. "Come on, we all have work to do." That was definitely accurate, and she wasn't going to take it as read that their missing person was dead, even if everything was looking dire for her. It was only fair that someone would be thinking that she was actually still alive, and innocent most of all.

A few hours later she was stood alone with Pride as they searched for the body, and she knew, she knew that this was going to be staying in her mind for quite some time. As they were watching she sighed, thinking again about her kids and what would happen to them if something like this happened to her. "This is it, this is my nightmare." She muttered, not sure if anyone would hear her.

"What?" Pride matched her tone, staying quiet, trying not to draw any attention to themselves as they spoke. She was sure that he was going to be the one who got this the most, maybe he'd experienced it a little when Laurel was younger, or still experienced it now.

"Something happening to me, leaving my kids with my parents." She was absolutely sure that that would be what happened. Even if Merri left for them to go to James, they'd end up with her parents before long and she didn't want to pretend that it would be anything different.

"Wouldn't they go to their father first?" Pride asked, and she nodded a little as she thought how to explain the situation to the outside world. James was kind of easy to explain as a person, but explaining their situation to anyone who wasn't in it was harder. She knew they'd go to her parents, and she loved her parents but she hadn't had the easiest upbringing.

"No, James would send them to my parents." She was certain of that and she was fairly sure that James wouldn't disagree. "I mean, my parents weren't bad parents, I guess. Emily and I came out of it pretty well… But they weren't the most available, and we spent most of the year anywhere but home." She hadn't had a bad childhood, not at all, but she didn't want it for her children.

"Not what you want for your kids?" He asked as if she hadn't made that obvious already. Merri wanted them to always know they were loved and people were around for them all the time. She didn't want them to think that they were being sent away because she didn't have the time for them.

"No, not at all. I want them to always have at least me." That was what she needed, she needed them to always have her. "They can't depend on my parents and they definitely can't depend on James, but I'm determined they can depend on me." She'd never really wanted kids until they had arrived, and now that she was here with two of them she had more that she could do.

"They always have all of us too, Merri. They are our family too." Pride's words made her smile, and feel a little bit better about absolutely everything that was going on. She was glad that she'd always have these people in her corner. They were good people and they wouldn't let anything happen to her children if something did happen to him.

"I told LaSalle." She admitted out of the blue, thinking that this was almost exactly what they needed to talk about as a group eventually. She didn't want it to ruin anything given how close they had to be when they were working, and something as big as this could break apart the group they had.

"Finally." Pride laughed, even in the darkness of what they were doing right now there was always something here he could find to laugh at, right now it was her finally breaking down that wall. "How did he take it?" That was a question she didn't know how to answer. At first, he'd seemed fine with it but he hadn't spoken to her much, tending to work more with Borin for the last few hours.

"He was shocked. He hasn't really spoken to me much since." She was a little worried about that since she needed to work well with him and if he was being moody with her, they were always going to struggle with their professional relationship. She had valued that, so she hoped that this wasn't something long term.

"I'm sure he'll come around soon." Pride had known LaSalle a lot longer than she had, so she decided to take it at face value when he said that. The two of them knew a lot more about each other and how they worked than she had ever managed to get to work with someone.

She trailed off and decided to leave that conversation a few minutes, but now that she didn't have to pretend that she didn't have kids she realised that she could have them at the office, and after this case, it would make her feel better. "If you don't mind, I'm going to have Millie dropped off here tonight, Ben is at a sleepover, but I need to see my little girl." Merri just wanted to see one of them after this case.

"Honestly… I was hoping I could see one of them tonight." Pride nodded, and that actually made her feel better about her need to see them. "After these cases, I always want to hug Laurel and she's a little too old for that now. Not to mention she's in Baton Rouge." Now she had a feeling that Pride was going to end up cuddling her baby more than she would tonight.

"Millie would love that, you know what she's like with cuddles." She smiled at that, as it was always nice to see anyone cuddling her daughter other than herself. Unless it was Ben because then someone was going to scream and it wouldn't end well for anyone at all. "Thanks, Pride."

"Anytime." He smiled, and Merri was sure that it was because it meant that he was going to have a way to decompress from this case too, and she hoped that maybe Millie would help LaSalle and Borin a little too. She was pretty sure having a toddler around who was mostly healthy and happy would do something. The thought of her daughter coming to join them was all that kept her going through the last few motions of this case.

By the time she was getting ready to finish up Merri was just ready for a hug and a cup of coffee with a book, so she was ever so grateful when a shout went up from the doorway. "Mum!" Merri looked up and smiled then moved her chair to the edge of the desk so that she could sweep her daughter up into her arms.

"Hey baby girl, you been good today?" Merri was not actually asking the toddler, and after giving Millie a tight cuddle she looked up at Katrine and smiled a little. "Has she?" It was a good thing that nobody else was in the office at that moment, as the look on Katrine's face told her that Millie had done something again.

"Not in the least. I think it's time to start toilet training." Katrine didn't look the happiest about that, and truthfully Merri couldn't blame her. Cleaning up poop had never been Merri's favourite thing, and the fact that Millie seemed to contain far too much poop for such a small human made it even less fun. So, that was what she was going to have to plan.

"She taking off the diaper to poop again?" At least Millie did try to keep it in the bathroom. Merri hadn't started Ben toilet training until he was a little older, but it seemed like it was going to have to start earlier with Millie. "We spoke about this, little miss. Don't you grin at me like that." Millie grinned, and Merri just shook her head and tapped her finger on her nose. Millie knew she was causing trouble, and she loved it.

"When you know how you want to go about it let me know. You gonna need me tomorrow?" Katrine asked, and Merri thought about what would be going on the following day. She'd have a day off, she always did after a big case like this, so she was hoping that she could stay home with Millie and later Ben.

"I don't think so, can I let you know?" She wanted to leave it open, just in case Pride said he needed her in for something. Merri didn't think that she was going to be needed, especially since she'd done all of her paperwork while waiting for Millie to arrive. She would be able to tell for sure before they went home. "I'll text you first thing."

"Sure. Thanks, Merri. See you later, bye Millie." Katrine waved and smiled as she turned back to the door. Merri couldn't at all blame her for wanting a day off, thanks to Merri's schedule, Katrine could hardly plan anything as she never knew when she'd be called in, though being able to bring the kids to the office would stop some of those callouts.

"Bye Kitty!" Millie waved, opening and closing her hand in the typical baby way of waving. Merri picked her up again and sat her on her lap, listening as Millie babbled incoherently at her for a moment, clearly trying to explain her day the best a 21-month-old actually could. Not the easiest of feats given that Millie didn't really try to speak much, instead letting Ben do most of the talking for her.

"That sounds like it was fun. Come on, little one. People are excited to see you tonight." She sat Millie on her hip and headed through to the kitchen, smiling a little as she got through. Almost as soon as Millie saw Pride she lunged for him, and it was a good job he had quick reflexes to catch her. "Oh, okay. I'm only your mom, little traitor." She commented, shaking her head a little as Millie started babbling to Pride.

"She just likes me more." Pride joked and kissed the top of Millie's head, turning his attention back to her babbling for a second until she went quiet and started looking around. Millie had been to the office before, normally only when Pride was here, so Merri thought she was a little confused at other people being there.

"You're not kidding." She mumbled and shook her head. It was becoming obvious that after almost a year here both her children had come to prefer Pride to their own mother. "This is my youngest, Millie. These are Chris and Abby." Millie then laid her head on Pride's shoulder but waved to her colleagues then pretended to be shy. Merri wasn't even going to try fighting her on that one. If she wanted to play shy Merri would let her.

"She looks just like you," Borin commented, smiling widely as she waved to Millie then moved around Pride to stand a little closer and teasingly try to take the toy out of her hand, causing Millie to start giggling. Merri was watching LaSalle's face through all of this, just hoping that he wasn't quite as mad about it all as he had been through the day.

"Yeah, unlike her big brother she certainly did not get much from her father." Merri could see far more of James in Ben than she could see in Millie. Millie looked almost identical to how Emily had looked at her age. Even so young the two of them had had a few differences, so looking at Millie just reminded Merri of her sister in all the best ways.

"I don't know, Ben looks more like you than I imagine he does your ex." Pride said quietly, and there was something about that that had Merri pausing for a few moments. It wasn't something obvious, but after a few seconds she realised it and burst out laughing before looking to Pride and smirking.

"So you imagine how my ex looks?" The question was something that she couldn't avoid and laughed at the momentary look of panic that crossed Pride's face as she grinned. " Can you believe that Millie, King tries to picture your daddy." Merri couldn't believe teasing him was that easy, but right now it was hilarious.

LaSalle burst out laughing and that made Merri laugh even harder. "This is probably the point where you should escape the conversation, King." He then laughed harder too, and to Merri that was exactly what she was hoping would happen.

"I would, but someone picked me over her mom so I think I'm stuck." Pride said, looked to Merri for a second, then rested his head on the top of Millie's who was clearly getting herself comfortable.

"Oh yeah, I'm not dealing with that tantrum again," Merri replied then laughed, reaching out and stroking a hand through Millie's hair. All she'd really gotten from James was her hair colour, everything else was all Brody. The longer they stood there the more LaSalle seemed to lighten up about her having kids, so Millie had done exactly what they all needed. Helped pick them up from the case, and shown LaSalle that Merri was exactly the same person he'd gotten to know, there were just two small people at home who called her mum.


	14. The Walking Dead

Merri was beginning to get fed up. Not for no reason, but she was still fed up and she thought that it was the time it was addressed. This case wasn't just any case, it was a friend of Pride's and someone who LaSalle had clearly met a few times, so she knew that they really needed to get everything out in the open before it got worse, so she decided that pushing it was the only thing she could do now. "How long are you gonna be pissed at me."

"I'm not pissed at you." LaSalle lied, and he was really not good at it. She suddenly realised that it was no wonder that they had sent an interrogator down here, because she'd seen how ineffective LaSalle could be if he wasn't in the right mood in interrogation. So far they'd always been able to cover, but she was always a little more comfortable with Pride in there with her.

"You're a liar, LaSalle. It's obvious." She shook her head, once again deciding to just attack this all straight on. Thinking that it was the best way to actually work it all out between the two of them. She wasn't going to keep pretending that she hadn't noticed or that she was absolutely fine with all of this when it was actually the complete opposite. She wasn't fine with it, and she wasn't going to take it anymore. "You've barely spoken to me in a week."

"I'm just processing the fact that you're a mom." He replied, and even that was a shorter answer than she used to get from him. So she couldn't help the glare that she gave him as he finished, and that seemed to spur him into answering in a little more depth. "I wouldn't have guessed you were and it's taking a lot of time to readjust to that."

"It shouldn't. I haven't changed, I was always a mom, as long as you've known me." That was the truth too. She'd always been a mom, she just hadn't told him that. That was the only answer to it all. Both the kids had come along before she even knew that LaSalle was a person who existed. "A lot longer than you've known me, in fact."

"I just can't wrap my head around the fact you had a kid and a baby when you first came here." That seemed to be fairly obvious, but she still wasn't exactly sure why this was so surprising to him, or to anyone else. He'd met both her kids now, Ben only in passing but they had both been around him.

"I still have a kid and a baby. Well… I guess she's a toddler now." Millie sometimes still acted like a baby, though mostly now Merri found that distinctly annoying. She only ever did it when Merri wanted to relax and enjoy the fact that her kids weren't babies anymore. She really needed that sometimes and occasionally Millie made that more difficult.

"Is there anyone else who still doesn't know?" That was a fair question, and as they were still in a car and they couldn't get away from each other she felt like she had to be honest, and hoped that LaSalle was being at least as honest back. She wasn't concerned if he didn't but she also wanted for them to just get passed all of this.

"Sebastian. I'm trying to find the right time to tell him." He was going to be the person it was hardest to tell, purely because she kind of hated that she'd lied to him about it this long, even though it was only a lie of omission. At times he reminded her of Ben, as he approached things with the same childlike enthusiasm and it was sweet.

"You probably need to do that soon." Merri wasn't really sure if that was a word of advice or a threat, and what LaSalle added to it didn't help her make up her mind on it either. Was it possible that it was both at once? She wasn't going to make it easy for him to leave it all though, as she knew that it was going to be him if anything came out at this point. "You know that as a group we're not gonna be great at keeping secrets."

"The rest of them have known for a while and not told so, if it comes out before I tell him I'll know it came from you." Merri hopefully that would be what dissuaded him from actually doing it, because everyone would know it was him, not just Merri. She would find the perfect time to take Sebastian aside, but she wasn't going to rush it either. She wasn't especially close to him, and so she didn't know how to approach it just yet.

"Fine, he's not gonna take it well either, you know?" LaSalle had a good point with that, and she had considered that. It was actually why she was so hesitant about doing it. Though really it would be worse if he turned up to something and she brought her kids along, and that wasn't entirely out of the question. She just didn't think that it was going to be likely immediately.

"I know. That's why I have to wait and tell him at the right time." She reasoned, wanting to take the conversation away from her children and the awkward conversation she was going to have to have with Sebastian, she remembered the thing she'd found out that she'd been sitting on and could use as leverage in this situation. "Besides, you can't talk much. You never told me your brother was missing."

There was a moment of silence as Merri just watched LaSalle's reaction, wanting to see the thoughts and expressions that crossed his face as he realised that she'd worked that out and he couldn't really hold the high ground for 'hiding important family facts'. He'd done exactly the same thing. "How did you even know that?"

"I organise the mail, remember, you sent out some queries. I put two and two together and clearly made four." She didn't need to have a confirmation as how long it had taken for him to formulate an answer had given him all the confirmation that she needed. It did mean that she could point out that they all had secrets, and they weren't necessarily good or bad. "We all keep some secrets, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Even when you work as closely as we all do."

"Fine, you're right. Let's call a truce." She hadn't expected for him to give in quite that easily, but he had and she was happy with that. Since it was a lot easier to get through everything when she didn't have to think about trying to make it up to him. For now, maybe a truce was the best that they could hope for.

"Truce it is. Best behaviour in the lab, focus on the case." She just felt like adding that warning, not that she thought she actually had to. With the truce called she was pretty sure that things could start getting back to normal for the both of them and they could work on their professional rapport rather than being bogged down in personal gripes.

"Sure thing, Brody." The reply was a little terse, but she didn't really expect anything different. This case had them all on edge enough and she wasn't really entirely sure how she was going to deal with this, and in truth, she couldn't help but admire how Lin was handling his newly discovered terminal state. She didn't know how anyone could be so calm on discovering this. Each night they investigated she went home and held the kids a little tighter just for a moment.

It was day 3 before they had any sort of break, and she was a little glad that it was Borin who had been in the office when Sam had visited. If it was LaSalle she would have been faced with questions long before this point, now they were headed out to meet the others, and it hadn't come up yet. "So, LaSalle told me what he'd do if he only had two weeks to live, what would you do?" Borin asked, and suddenly Merri wondered if she was going to ask at all. She hoped not if she was honest.

"Assuming I was able until the end? I'd take my kids to Disney World, maybe with my parents and my ex and his mom and brother. I'd make sure they knew what I wanted for them." She had to think about how it would affect the kids, and given that she dealt with death and dangerous people every day she was worried that maybe her end-of-life plans weren't as documented as she'd like. She needed to remedy that soon. "I don't know, I think these questions are harder when you have kids."

"And if you didn't have kids?" Her companion asked, and that was always a harder thing to imagine than when she included the kids. That was only because she knew that it wasn't ever going to happen. Pre-child Merri would have run as far away as she could and tried to pretend it wasn't true until she had to face it. She didn't have that luxury anymore, but she could answer what she would have done back then.

"I'd be on the first plane out to Costa Rica. I went there a couple of times when I was younger and it was just amazing." She had vowed to return there one day, but she hadn't had the opportunity and probably wouldn't for at least another 16 years. "But, I do have kids. So making sure they had a future would be my priority." Making sure they had a future was always her priority really, and it was one of the hardest things she'd ever done. "I love them, but they do make things harder."

"Your ex not in the picture?" Borin asked, and Merri just nodded. Explaining James and his involvement to people who weren't in their situation was hard. It was even harder when she didn't want to talk about their tragic backstop and why they weren't together anymore and why James was never around.

"Yes and no, mostly no. Really… really all no." She kept starting with telling people James was involved but she knew that she really couldn't keep lying about it anymore. She was going to be more honest about it. "He's never even met Millie, she's almost two and he's never met her. Not even when she was in the hospital. He did come once while I was pregnant."

"She was in hospital?" Borin asked as Merri turned onto Canal, mentally cursing the traffic at this time of day. She was getting used to this, but she knew that mostly there was little traffic compared to other cities of its size. Thinking back to when Millie was in hospital was something Merri tended to try and avoid thinking about, but she'd brought it up this time so it was partly her own fault.

"Yeah. She was about 6 weeks premature." Not that you could tell anymore, she was a little smaller than other kids her age, but she was smart and she was definitely more social than Ben had been at that age. Apparently, second children were often a little further ahead than firstborns were. Twins being the obvious exception to that. "So he's not really in the picture and I don't really talk about him that much."

"Sorry." Borin trailed off for a little while, and Merri went back to focus on the road quietly. Merri was surprised by how comfortable she had found herself with Borin's company, but the woman was fun to be around. At least, that was what Merri thought until the next topic of conversation turned to Sam's visit. The one thing she thought she might have avoided. "That guy was cute."

"I guess." She mumbled, not really wanting to think about it. Sam was cute, and her type, but she really wasn't prepared to explain that thought. Not right now and not to someone she barely knew. Probably not even to someone she knew well actually, as she didn't like to talk about things when she did like someone.

"Is he your boyfriend…?" Borin started, and Merri just snorted as she really didn't know how to answer that. He was definitely not her boyfriend. If she didn't want to talk about someone she had a crush on she definitely wouldn't be talking about a boyfriend. Apparently, Borin just decided to keep asking questions. "Is he gay…?"

She couldn't let that one just go, could she? Not that she really knew, or that she'd mind. Sam had asked her for a coffee though, and he'd done it more than once, so she was willing to bet he was at least attracted to women, if not entirely straight. "I don't think so." That was all she could actually say about it.

"OK so… what's the problem?" That was asked as if it was the only thing stopping her, when really there were so many issues, so many things that Merri hadn't considered in a very long time. Since long before Millie had arrived, and by this point, she had just come to accept that she was probably going to be without a meaningful adult relationship. At least until the kids were older.

"I don't date." Was what she said instead, rather than going into all this that was swimming through her mind. She hated that she just couldn't say it all, but it wasn't the kind of thing people discussed, not this early in a friendship anyway. So sticking to 'I don't date' and non-committal answers was all that she was going to do.

"Neither do I, but that shouldn't stop you from having a little fun." Borin's comment made her think again, especially as most of the reasons she had for not having fun was largely about Ben and Millie, and not so much her own thoughts. She had to put them first and she already spent little time with them.

"OK, lets just say I have… relationship issues." That was an understatement really when she thought about James. He was enough to give anyone relationship issues forever. Merri might still love the man but he really didn't make life easy for anyone that he was involved with. Not for her, not for his mother or his brother, and not their children either.

"Don't we all?" That wasn't the response that she had expected either, because for some reason Merri had just expected that she'd be the type who knew exactly what she wanted and the type of person she'd want it with. But sometimes appearances could be deceiving and this was yet more proof of that. Merri guessed that she would understand at least.

"OK so you get it, sometimes you just need to… keep your distance." That was all she could think about how she was feeling right now. She just needed to keep her distance then this little crush or whatever it was she had on Sam would go away and she could pretend that she didn't have these feelings anymore. It was so much more difficult than she was expecting it to be.

"Yeah until one day someone doses you with polonium and you wonder what the hell you were running from." Alright, that was a little pointed but also not something that Merri could easily ignore. Borin had a point. Not one that Merri really wanted to think about right now, because it meant she really had to rethink that priority, or she should explain the second biggest relationship issue she had.

"OK… There was this guy in Chicago. Before Millie existed. Nick. He was a firefighter, gorgeous, I thought the world of him. But…" She shook her head a little. Not really wanting to think about it again but thinking that it was best to explain it. "He wasn't actually very nice, and Ben was the one who saw that most. I never really want to put him in that situation again." Merri remembered how sad Ben had been during all of that, and he seemed so much happier now than he had been in a long time.

"I'll repeat what I said earlier, it doesn't stop you having a little fun." Borin continued, and Merri just ended up rolling her eyes and sighing, deciding not to try and push back against it any longer, as that would just prolong the conversation and they were almost at their destination. This was definitely not the kind of conversation she wanted Pride and LaSalle to overhear.

The case was a hard one to finish, not because they couldn't work it out, but just that families could do this to each other out of greed. The following day after the case they had all decided to meet up at Armstrong Park, letting the kids run around and play, Patton, bringing his daughter as well. She'd already made plans with Sam to go for a drink, but she really should speak to Ben about it now. "Hey kiddo, mommy needs to talk to you, come on." She waved over and knelt down near the water, happy to leave Millie in the care of all the other adults.

"What's wrong mum?" Ben asked as he ran over and stopped in front of her. The big grin on his face made her smile too, as it was nice to see her son looking so happy and clearly enjoying the day out with all the attention being on him and the two girls. Merri was happy too, but that was making her worry a little more about the conversation for a reason she couldn't quite pinpoint.

"Nothing's wrong, I just need to talk to you." Merri smiled, brushing some grass from his pants before just looking at him a moment. She could tell that he really wanted to be back playing again, so Merri probably needed to be quick. "That OK?" She asked, trying to get his attention back to her.

"OK." Ben smiled and nodded then moved around a bit so that he was looking at her straight on. She was worried about how he was going to take it, that was part of why she had wanted to have this conversation while they were out of the house and somewhere that Ben could work it out.

"How would you feel if I went on a date?" It was a simple question, but Merri was really, really nervous about what Ben would think of that. She just stayed kneeling in front of him as he tilted his head and thought about what she had asked. It was something that his dad did that Merri found endearing.

"With King?" Ben asked, and Merri blinked for a second then shook her head. She wasn't surprised at the question and she was sure that he was going to be disappointed at her denial of that, especially after a few weeks earlier. She wasn't going to pretend that it could happen anyway between them, even if her son wanted it.

"No, King's just my friend." She smiled a little then thought how best to continue telling him about Sam and what this meant. "He's called Sam, and I'm going to go get a drink with him tomorrow night. Loretta's going to stay with you and Millie and you'll have fun." She thought that that was going to be the best for them, so they could have a good evening while she was out.

"Is he gonna be coming around all the time?" Ben asked, pulling a face that said he wasn't exactly the happiest about all of this. Not that Merri could blame him. However much she liked to blame James for all their problems, it wasn't all him. She had messed Ben up as well, just as much as her ex-husband had.

The one thing that she could promise is that she wasn't going to let Sam around the kids for quite a while. She needed to know that he was going to do well with them, because they didn't deserve to be messed around any further. "No, not for a while. Not until I know he's good and you're comfortable with me knowing him." She wanted to make sure that Ben knew he was a part of this process too.

"Not like Nick?" Ben asked, and he sounded like he did before they came to New Orleans, scared and lonely. Not something she ever wanted to go back to, for either of them. Moving here had given Ben a new life too, and she wasn't going to go backward on something that had made them both happy.

"Definitely not like Nick, I promise OK." She would never put him in that situation again. That was something she could be sure of. He already had enough problems with James and herself, he didn't need any more coming from people she let into their lives. If someone was coming in now, they were going to have to work to prove themselves. "If you don't want me to go I won't."

"If he's nice to you then I guess it's alright." There was a nod as he made the decision, something that made her smile, then after a minute he put his hands on her cheeks and looked at her seriously. "If he's not nice you need to tell King or Mr LaSalle. They're bigger than me so they can make him stop better."

"I will." She couldn't help but be proud of how grown up her son was being about all of this, and she was a little proud that he knew who they could trust if they were in trouble. That was something she'd tried to teach him but knew that like all children Ben would follow the lead of those around him, and Merri realised that he had good people around him all the time now. "You're a good man, Ben."

"Thanks, mum. Can I go play again?" He looked over his shoulder to the play area, and Merri stopped a second to watch Millie running away from Loretta as they played a game she didn't know about. She could see why Ben wanted to get back, and he'd been so grown up it was nice to be reminded he was still only small.

"Sure." She stood up and let him run off before moving back to sit on the bench beside Pride. She was sure that he'd been watching the conversation, even if he hadn't been able to hear exactly what was discussed. He knew that she'd planned a date though and that Ben needed to be told. The man knew what she was thinking faster than she did sometimes.

"How'd he take it?" Pride asked, and she knew she was right. He'd known exactly what they were talking about, and why, and he'd also guessed that she'd been worried about it. Maybe he was getting to read her a little too well, and she wasn't sure how she felt about that, since she didn't think she'd been here long enough to become predictable.

"A lot better than I expected." She decided to be straightforward. It was still new to her, learning not to hide everything away from her friends, but she was getting there. "He just made me promise I'd tell you two if he wasn't nice to me. Decided since you're big that you'd be better at making him stop." She knew LaSalle was there too, she'd felt him lurking even if she hadn't seen him yet.

"You're a good momma, Brody." He confirmed his presence and Merri just smiled again. This was why she was so happy to call this place home now. Even when she was doubting herself so much they would come in and remind her that not everything was going to be perfect, but that didn't mean it was bad either.

"I try. Hey, LaSalle, you should go challenge Ben to soccer." She nodded in the direction of her son and the ball she'd forgotten he'd brought with him. LaSalle nodded and started jogging around the water, at which point Merri chuckled and spoke quietly to Pride. "What I haven't told LaSalle is that James' cousin was a professional soccer player and that James was in a club academy as a teenager."

"That's a little mean." Pride scolded, or tried to through his own laughter. It was easy to let this all just slide off their backs given the situation they were in, being mean on occasion was just her way of fitting in. She needed something to break the ice most of the time, and she wasn't good at doing it herself.

"Yeah but… you don't play soccer so Ben might as well beat one of the adults in his life." As she watched Ben telling LaSalle his rules she realised how happy they all were, and she knew that even if something came along to change everything again, this was the place she'd come back to. "Thanks for being here, Pride."

"Sure thing." He responded, and she just found herself grinning again as she watched her chosen family play with her children. It was so much better than what she'd head before, and sure maybe the kids didn't have a normal family, but it was better than not having anything. They were happy, she was happy, and really that was all that mattered.


	15. Careful What You Wish For

Merri hadn't been having the best of mornings so far. She wasn't sure what it was that was off, but something just hadn't felt right. Maybe it was that neither Ben nor Millie fought getting up, brushing teeth or getting ready for the day. That was always a surprise on a weekday, especially when Merri wasn't really sure about the day. Walking into the office and seeing Pride already pointing back to the door made her heart sink. They had a case already? "Brody, you've been selected for a protective detail this morning." Somehow she hadn't been expecting that, but she knew that it meant she'd likely be able to take breaks, and on top of that it was something new.

"Oh, awesome." That had not been what she'd been expecting still, and being handed the notes of where she was to report was not what she'd thought her day was going to include. She hadn't even thought about working a protective detail for some time since normally she was too busy with her cases and her day-to-day job that her unit chief wouldn't give her the break to do it. But their team had been going through a drought of urgent cases the first 6 weeks of this year, and it meant that she had the time to do a detail before they picked up another one.

"Providing things are all normal on it, you can take the afternoon off." Pride smiled at her, and she knew what he was implying. Spend some time with her daughter, pick up her son from school and have some family time. Things she rarely got these days, though most nights she was home to put them in bed and to see them up in a morning, even when they did have cases. She wasn't sure if that was enough really, but it was all she could do these days really. Merri needed to work to pay for all the bills that James' money didn't cover. Hopefully, when they grew up they would appreciate that she was there as much as she could be.

"What exactly would Brody do on an afternoon off?" LaSalle asked from his desk, and if Merri had had one of her paper balls in reach she would have launched it at him. She still kept her private life quiet, though after almost a year she had expected LaSalle to know more about what she spent her time doing. In a way, she was lucky that while LaSalle was good at his job, he wasn't the best at noticing things when they weren't to do with cases. It was still his regular thing to tease her about, that she didn't go out, and that she didn't have a life.

"I could have plans LaSalle, just not ones that involve you." Leaving it vague as always, she left him to think whatever he wanted to think. She wasn't going to stress herself thinking about it, and she wasn't going to worry about what he thought of her. It didn't matter that much, and he seemed to keep forgetting about the kids now even though he'd met them. Merri brushed that all out of her mind and turned back to Pride. "Thanks, I should go then?"

"Yes, go." He nodded, and for a second she was a little bothered he didn't tack on his usual 'learn things' before she remembered that she wasn't going out on a case, but was going on an assignment he had little to do with. "Don't worry if it runs over, I'll handle everything." That was his subtle way of saying that if she ended up stuck on the detail late he'd pick up her kids and take them home for her. That was exactly what she needed to know because she was never sure how to broach the topic, but Pride always seemed to know.

"Thanks." She turned back out and climbed back into her car, once she was in and had the phone connected up to the car system she called Millie's daycare and asked to be put through to her room. As soon as the woman who was caring for her daughter answered Merri smile and thought about the sneezes Millie had been having, hoping that they were maybe a little less regular now. "Jackie, it's Agent Brody. Is Millie doing any better?" Hopefully she was because today would be an inopportune day for her to have to call off.

"Still sneezing, but that's about it. Seems happier now." Jackie replied, and Merri let out a breath she hadn't actually thought she'd been holding. She was just so worried that this was going to be another lung infection, another thing that she didn't have time for, but maybe it was just allergies. James had them quite badly, and she had known that it was going to be possible that one of the kids got them too. Ben never seemed to be anything but healthy, but Millie was pretty much the opposite.

"That's great." She was just so genuinely happy about it. That was when she remembered that she needed to say that Pride was possibly going to be collecting them if her assignment ran too long. "Can you mark on her notes, and for Ben after school that my colleague Agent Pride might be collecting them." At least they could all trust Pride, and he had met both the kids now. That was going to make everything a little easier if she was having a late night with cases or assignments.

"You having a late night?" Jackie asked, and as she was listening Merri could hear Millie in the background. At 15 months she was just getting vocal, and her favourite words were 'mum' and 'ball'. All Merri could hear was her daughter shouting about a ball and it made Merri smile even wider. She missed her daughter when she was at work, missed Ben too, but she knew that she had to work.

"Possibly. Assignment." She was going to leave it at that, as Millie's daycare worker didn't need to know. Merri had given Katrine the week off, and there was a little bit of regret in that, as it had meant she'd had to get Ben into the after-school programme and now she was having to make other plans for just getting them home. Her work was far too unpredictable for this, but she was going to make it work. She also knew that the daycare was going to be strict about her kids, given her work, so at least Pride would have his creds on him. "He's NCIS as well, so he'll have his credentials on him."

"We'll make sure to check." That was something that didn't really need clarifying, but Merri was so glad that they did anyway. Sometimes she just needed that to make her feel more secure about where she was leaving her children and how safe they were when she wasn't with them. "Millie, want to talk to mommy?" Jackie asked, and Merri found herself beaming at the phone. Hearing from her daughter was the perfect start to the day.

"Mum!" Millie shouted, and that just made Merri's heart swell. Even on the worst day hearing her children made her the happiest that she could have possibly been. They made it worthwhile, even though she wasn't there and was having to do what she needed to do. Millie babbled a little longer, and Merri just sat and listened while she spoke, deciding that she wasn't going to try and push for actual words over the phone.

"Hey Monkey. Mommy loves you lots and lots, and I'll see you tonight." She promised, and in a way, she was already looking forward to the end of the day. If she finished early that was even better, as she'd be able to pick Millie up for some alone time before she went to collect Ben, and if she didn't then she wasn't actually going to lose anything. When the daycare manager came back on the line she smiled a little and knew that there was nothing else that needed to be said. "Thanks, Jackie." She signed off, then went back to focusing on what she had to do today.

And then, everything went to hell. She'd thought that this was all going well, but nothing ever went that easily. She hadn't really been expecting to finish early, but at the same, she also hadn't been expecting to have a colleague murdered in front of her, and she didn't expect to have the  _Moultrie_  brought back up and thrown in her face the way it was being. She put up with ever insulting question that she'd answered a dozen times. When she got deeper into this case she was struggling to keep her distance, especially after Pride had talked about her tendency to run away. Loretta had brought it up too and she hated reliving all of that.

Going through this house after finding the body she wasn't at all ready for what she saw, and in a way, she was a little glad that Pride took her aside before they left the house to check that she was alright. She wasn't alright, none of this was alright, and she didn't need to be thinking about it all, but this house had got under her skin even more than everything else. "You're picturing Ben as being this little boy, aren't you?" Pride asked quietly, a hand on her shoulder as he guided her away further, stepping out of that situation, both physically and metaphorically.

"They were born six months apart, look similar. They have the same interests if that bedroom is anything to go by." She couldn't help but replace the little boy who was clearly sick with her son. She didn't know if she would have been able to cope if Ben was sick, especially given what she'd gone through with Millie. "It's hard not to look at all this evidence and think… what if Ben was sick like this? What if James and I had had these problems." Those what if's were going to play on her mind long after this case was behind them, solved of not. She had started thinking them, now she wasn't going to be able not to.

"But you didn't, James didn't, and Ben is a perfectly healthy little boy and Millie is alive and well." That was a reassurance she had definitely needed, but she also didn't really know how to stop her mind going to those places. She knew that nothing was wrong with her little family but experience told her that nothing was easy for her and that probably she would be the unlucky one who had something horrible happen to one of them. She hated that she was personalising this quite this much, but she couldn't seem to stop it. She just needed to focus on something else, or just let it all out and hope that Pride could distract her.

"I keep thinking back to when Millie was born. She was premature by 6 weeks, she was barely bigger than my hand. I was so sure I was going to lose her, but she pulled through. I'll never forget those weeks though." The county hospital in Chicago had been brilliant for them, and she had spent so much time in the NICU with her, barely seeing Ben, who had gone to stay with her parents through the most of it. That was almost two years ago, and Millie didn't have too many ill effects from that anymore. "I can't imagine living with that long-term, a few months was long enough."

"Hopefully you'll never have to." Pride muttered, and Merri could tell that he was having some of the same thoughts, their family situations were similar, even if Laurel was much older than Ben and Millie. Pride had also had much longer to learn how to separate them from his emotions. "Cases with kids are always the hardest on those of us who have them, and when Laurel was Ben and Millie's ages I always had Linda to fall back on." Merri was always glad that he acknowledged that sometimes things were just harder for her given that she was doing it all on her own. "Just don't associate too closely, because it makes going home so much harder."

"I only have them, Pride." She muttered quietly, how she wished that she could rely on James, or on anyone else really. She couldn't ask her team to take up the slack in her parenting, or for the fact that her ex wasn't there. But it was all making her bitter, and sad, and angry. This case was just opening so many wounds that she thought she'd closed. She was clearly wrong about that, and she hated that she couldn't seem to think about anything else. "James is… I don't even know where. He Skypes them when he can, but even that isn't regular anymore."

"You have us Brody. Loretta and I, and I'm sure when you let the others in fully, they'll all help you too." That was probably true, they would help her, but that wasn't necessarily what she should expect. She should have figured out a way to do this by now or maybe she should have given up and gone into a career that gave her regular hours so she could be home with the kids more than she was at work, but that wasn't the person that she was. She also wasn't the person who would depend on others unless she had to.

"Maybe one day I'll be ready to do that. But not today." She wasn't going to swear that she'd be able to do it, but she was sure that eventually she'd be able to do it. Merri knew that there were people who cared about them all but she just wasn't ready to accept it. "Thank you. I should get all this stuff to the lab." She backed away, holding up the bags of evidence and just wanting to get away from all of this. She wanted to get this to the lab, call out and go home. She knew that they'd need to sleep soon but if she left she wouldn't want to come back.

Merri ended up calling Katrine on her way to the lab, and her nanny had actually been waiting for the call since seeing Merri on the news. She was glad that she was so ready to drop everything and go back to work, but Merri also knew that Katrine was saving to go back to college, so the extra hours were going to make that closer. As the day dragged on she was ready to make the call she didn't want, and as soon as she told Ben that she wasn't going to be home she got the tantrum that she'd been expecting, and was sorry that Katrine was going to have to deal with it. "I know Puppy, I know I said I'd be home, but I have to work late. I'm sure Katrine can get you hot dogs if you ask her nicely."

"But you promised." Ben mumbled, and Merri's heart broke at how hurt and disappointed he sounded, and Merri had to try and think about what to say. How did she explain that she had to work when Ben barely understood what she did. He already thought that she could just get someone else to do it, and explaining that with only three agents in the city there was nobody else who could do her job never even got off the ground.

"I know." She frowned a little and thought about the case, and decided to try and make it more personal to Ben than just something abstract was. Maybe if he knew that she was helping another child he would be happier about it. "But there is a little boy just like you who's mommy was killed and I need to make sure that they catch who did it." Ben was so compassionate in general that she was certain he would accept that, even if it didn't help in the long run it might help for now.

"You're not going to get killed are you mummy?" That question was not the one that she'd expected, and she didn't know why his brain had gone there. Maybe he understood more about her job than she had thought he did. She knew that he saw the news, and that he knew what cops were and that they got killed sometimes too, but she didn't think that he'd ever connected that with what she did. She didn't wear a uniform, and she rarely showed him anything that she did.

"No, puppy. I'm not going to get killed, I promise you." She couldn't really promise that, and normally she tried not to lie to her children, but she didn't really want Ben to be worrying about her being killed or anything else happening to her that would leave him and Millie on their own. As his silence dragged on she started to get a little worried about what it was that was going through her mind. "Ben, talk to me." She prodded, not liking the silence but also not wanting to scare him if he was thinking of working things through in his way.

"Did daddy get killed, is that why he doesn't visit me anymore. Or does he not like Millie?" Well. What could she say to that. She knew that Ben wondered what had happened to James, especially since the calls had lessened significantly over the last few weeks, and she didn't know how to explain it. Merri knew that she was still James' emergency contact, despite their divorce, and she still had his power of attorney, meaning that if anything happened to him she'd be the first person to know.

"Your daddy is fine too, Puppy, and he'll love Millie when he meets her." After this conversation Merri was not at all ready to get back to things, but as she looked up and saw Pride motioning for her to go back in she frowned and thought of what else she could say to reassure Ben that everything was fine, but nothing was coming and she would just have to hope that Katrine would work out a way to calm him enough for sleep. "I need to go back to work, Pup."

"Will you wake me when you come home to say night?" Ben asked, and at the sniff she realised that he was crying too. Merri didn't know what to do with that knowledge other than once again hate that she was putting the lives of other people in front of what was going on at home. Especially when she should be helping her son rather than doing all of this. She had put her hours in, surely. But she knew she'd feel guilty if she went home too. She'd just have to work more to fix it when she finished this case.

"I will. I love you little man." She said sadly herself, trying to shake it off. Trying not to think about the pain that was coming with it all, or all the reminders of Emily that seemed to be everywhere right now. As if she needed that on top of how close to home this case seemed to be hitting. Suddenly she had a mild panic about the reopened investigation into the  _Moultrie_  too, though she was sure that she'd be found innocent of that again, no matter what came up now. It had been almost 8 years, was something going to have changed?

"Love you mummy." Ben replied, and that made her feel a little happier. She would have loved to hug him too, but she'd take what she could get, and if that was just a few words and a thought then that was that. She didn't really want to accept it, but she also knew that it wasn't going to be any different if she'd been home tonight either. She wasn't going to be there to tuck him in, and that was bad enough for Ben.

"Bye baby." She finished off and hung up before looking to Pride, she felt her shoulders drop and she wondered if she was looking as close to the breakdown she could feel coming. She knew that it was going to happen before long if she didn't try to refocus, but there was no way that she could do that. Instead she took a few steadying breaths then started heading towards Pride. "He did not take me staying late to work tonight well."

"I heard the back end of that conversation, I just came out to tell you we have a lead. I thought you might have been talking to your kids." Pride had probably known that she was, though whether he would say that publicly was another matter entirely. Though LaSalle knew about them now, Merri still played it close to her chest most of the time, and she didn't publicise it. "Christopher thinks you're already getting serious with Dr. Wilkins."

"Maybe one day, but not today. I'm saying that a lot recently." She almost laughed at herself before she realised that it was actually probably an indication of the fact that she really wasn't ready to make any commitments to anybody. Not her friends, not her boyfriend. All she wanted to do was to focus on getting through this case and then maybe she could get herself home. "Let's do what I can tonight so I might actually be able to check on my kids at some point tonight." That was a goal, and she thought that it was a fair one.

It was hours still before they had it closed, and then she knew that she needed to ask questions about the  _Moultrie_. It was getting late but it was time that she did what Pride had suggested. She needed to face the situation head on, and she needed to start thinking about telling the truth about the hesitation. About how Hooper had reminded her of Emily. How that had all but broken her. She answered all the questions, she was honest, she didn't shirk the blame, and once she was done she stepped out of interrogation and was greeted by her favourite sound in the universe. "Mummy!"

"Hey, how did you get here?" She asked, scooping down and picking Ben up as she gave him a tight hug. She had to put him down after a second and smiled again, kissing the top of his head and just being so thankful that he was there. "God you're heavy. Must be all those veggies you eat." She teased her son before hugging him again. Not paying any attention to anything else around her for a second until Pride came over carrying Millie.

"I picked them up when I realised how late you were going to be." Pride smiled, letting her take her daughter, who for once was more than happy to go to her mother. Maybe the toddler could sense that Merri was upset, or maybe she was just fed up of not being around the people who mattered. "Made sure LaSalle was gone before I brought them here though, noticed you weren't always comfortable bringing them to the office when he was around." She smiled and nodded, trying to think of how to thank him for that, but Ben took her attention instead.

"We got ice-cream!" Given that it was already after Millie's bedtime, and it was rapidly approaching Ben's bedtime, Merri was not exactly thrilled to hear that. She didn't mind the ice cream, she did mind that they would no doubt be hyper. Or at least, Ben was. Given Millie's current track record, Merri would be very surprised if she ate any of the ice cream even if she was offered it.

"Did you? Is Agent Pride going to help get you to sleep tonight then?" She asked, mostly teasing her boss as well as the kids about that. Maybe walking home tonight was on the cards so that Ben could work off the sugar in a helpful way. But she didn't have the stroller with her, and she couldn't see the telltale yellow glow from in the office, though if it was near the door she probably wouldn't see it anyway until they were going.

"Hey, I could. I used to be terrible with getting Laurel hopped up on sugar." Pride offered after a moment, especially as Ben started bouncing off back toward her desk, Merri following him much more slowly as she held Millie close to her. Pride stroked Millie's cheek after a few seconds then smiled and shook his head softly. "Millie isn't actually a fan of ice-cream though, is she?" She'd been right, and Millie hadn't eaten any of the ice cream.

"She doesn't seem to like anything cold, a bit like me." Merri had always found it a little hilarious that she hated the cold, and she was sure that there were plenty of people who were around and could point out how ironic that was. Not least of all the person she was talking to. That wasn't going to change her thoughts on it though. Cold things were not her favourite. "I really hate the cold."

"You really don't like cold things? You're from Michigan!" There it was, exactly why people though it was hilarious that she didn't like the cold. One day people would no doubt say the same about Millie, given that she'd been born in Illinois, but that wasn't going to change it. Neither of them had grown up where they'd been born, and that was what Merri was going to blame on the disconnect. It was something at least.

She chuckled a little as they got to the office, and she reached onto her desk to pick her phone up so that she could just go. She'd finished everything else before she'd gone to join Anson. "Well, I was raised in Virginia, but I don't like the cold. I'd rather overheat than freeze. Ben put that down it's not yours." She didn't even need to look at him to know that he was doing something on LaSalle's desk that he shouldn't have been doing. "Thanks for picking them up. I was a little worried about what was going to happen."

"Maybe it's time you think about letting the others know you're struggling, or letting Loretta and I help you more." Pride offered, pointing out again that she should depend on others, and she figured it was time that she let him in on this part of her thinking, on why she was so determined not to accept that much help.

"I'm supposed to be able to do this on my own." She kissed Millie's head then put her down and stroked her hair before she spoke again. Not wanting for her to hear too much of this conversation, even she wouldn't remember it. It wasn't something that either of them needed to know. "Hey go play with your brother a minute Monkey."

"Merri, why? All parents need a little bit of help." Pride asked as they both watched Millie go and climb into the stroller that was parked by the door. Merri had the feeling she was tired, and would be asleep before they actually got back to her place. She stood looking at Millie and then had to work out the words for what it was why she couldn't just easily accept the help that was being offered to her.

"Because my mom said I shouldn't." That was the long and short of it. She was doing it to prove her mother wrong. To prove that she could do this as independently as possible now. She only contacted them when she had absolutely nobody else she could ask, and even that was too much for Olivia Brody sometimes. "She hates what help I ask her and dad to give me now, she always thought me having Millie was a mistake, given I already knew that James was useless."

"I have to admit… I still wonder about that. I wouldn't normally ask but you brought it up." Merri actually couldn't blame Pride for that, she didn't blame anyone for it when they knew that she had already been having issues with James and his lack of involvement with James. Most people thought that they divorced after Millie arrived, and Merri rarely corrected them, because it wasn't really worth it.

"It was an accident. James has this weird effect on me, he did then and he still does now." She hadn't had chance to test that, and she actually didn't want to. Not now that she had finally started to get her life settled, a relationship that might one day be something more serious and everything else that came with being finally settled. "At least I'm assuming he does, I haven't seen him since before I had Millie."

"Isn't she almost 2?" There was a note of shock and surprise in his response, and she guessed following that it became obvious exactly how difficult thing with James had become in those last few months. She'd been pregnant when he'd last visited, but since then everything had been done by video calls.

"Yep, in April she'll hit 2." That didn't seem real either, how could the baby be almost 2. "She came about when he came to visit Ben, we got to talking after Ben was asleep and talking led to reminiscing and reminiscing led to… Millie." That was probably not how anyone expected it to happen, but here was the proof. "Anyway my mother's opinions on it have given me a bit of a complex, and I'm not sure how I should ask for help."

"You ask by calling me and saying 'I need help'. I promise I'll be right there." Pride squeezed her shoulder as she finally got to the door and looked down at Millie, who had gotten herself right into the seat and fallen asleep just as she'd expected. She bent down and fastened Millie in and laid her back while she tried to compose herself. Pride had given her probably the kindest offer anyone had ever made her, and she didn't really know how to react.

"Thank you, and thank you for all of this. I really needed to see them after talking about the  _Moultrie_." She just had to change the subject a little as she wasn't really sure what else to say or do, getting everything ready she smiled at him then motioned for Ben and called to him when he didn't reply. "Come on Ben."

"Get them home, and take the weekend off with them. We can cope until Monday." Pride squeezed the top of her arm again then stepped back and waved to Ben who was thrilled about it, just as he always was. "Bye guys."

"Bye King!" Ben yelled as they walked out, and she winced hoping that he wouldn't wake Millie up. Merri knew that she was a deep sleeper though, and she wasn't sure anymore if anything would wake the toddler up when she was out and tired, which was helpful at times, but she still worried.

"Thank you." She mouthed to him and smiled guiding Ben and the stroller out the door. She was so ready to sleep as well, or so she thought. As soon as she hit the air she woke up again and listened to Ben talking. She wasn't sure exactly what it was that was breaking her down right now, but she knew that the next couple of days she had off were going to push her, and she needed to try and work that out.

Merri made it through one morning before she had to admit that this wasn't working. She needed to stop pushing it down, and she needed to actually accept that telling someone that she was struggling with the ramifications of everything that had happened to her in the last few days and all the memories that she couldn't fight off. It had been a long time since she'd felt this out of control, and when she started crying after putting Millie down for a nap she knew she needed to accept that offer of help. "I need help."

"What's wrong?" He asked, and she heard the rustling of paper in the background and she wondered what he was working on. She worried for a moment if she was doing the right thing, if she should have actually done this, but as she looked to where Ben was watching her cautiously she knew that she needed to do this. There was no choice anymore.

"King I just… I really need an adult to talk to." She was ready to cry down the phone just after hearing his voice and she was absolutely certain that as soon as he got here that is what would happen. She just needed to get that all out so that she could go back to focusing on what was important. Her current life, her job and most of all, her kids. She didn't want this to become something that haunted them as well.

"I'll be there in five minutes." Clearly Pride could hear it in her voice, and it was less than five minutes later that she heard the car stop outside, and then the door open. She turned around as it opened and just stared at him a second. "Hey, what's going?" He asked quietly, and immediately the tears started to fall. She couldn't hold them in any longer, and almost immediately Pride was there, wrapping his arms around her tightly. "Shush, I'm here, I got you."

"Mummy is really sad." Ben sounded mildly distressed, but less so now that there was another adult here. Every day since the  _Moultrie_  had been brought back up she'd added more to her list of things she regretted, and nearly all of them were about scaring her children. She should have accepted the help earlier

"Yeah, she is. Where's your sister?" Merri felt Pride looking around for Millie, and she was a little proud of herself that Millie was asleep to see the worst of this. It was bad enough that her son was having to see it, she really didn't want for her daughter to actually see this as well. Merri was meant to be above all of this. She was meant to be strong.

"She's sleeping. I'm gonna go watch TV." Ben ran up and gave her leg a tight squeeze, and she reached down and ran her hand through his hair before he ran back off to sit in front of the TV. She normally limited his TV time, but tonight she wasn't going to fight with him, and she wasn't going to blame him if he didn't want to be around her tonight either. Her emotions had been all over the place, and she didn't really know what to do to change that.

Pride just kept hold of her as he moved her through to the sofa, Ben having run upstairs, probably to her bedroom. "Is this about the  _Moultrie_?" He asked softly, and kept holding on to her as he walked her toward the couch. When she shook her head he took another guess. "About Emily?" This time he was right on the money. There wasn't a day that went by where she didn't think about Emily, but today it was just more brutal, and harder to see the positive. "Wanna talk about her?"

"I just… I really miss her." That was all she could choke out at first. She missed her sister, and it seemed like such an obvious thing to say, but it was something she barely said at all. Merri never really spoke about Emily, not even when James or Ben had asked her in the years since she'd died. "Millie looks so much like her, people think she looks like me with James' colouring, but she doesn't. She looks just like Emily." Ben was becoming more like James the older he got, but Millie was just like Emily now. It was like their appearances had reversed as they grew up. "Normally I love that, it keeps me connected but after all this…"

"It's too hard?" Pride said, honestly and in a tone full of understanding. It was that that caused her to let out another strangled sob. When was the last time she had actually broken down like this? She didn't remember and that probably wasn't healthy either. She just knew, she knew, that if she let this into her life regularly it wouldn't work out well. This seemed like it was the proof of that.

"She never even got to meet them, King." Another one of Merri's biggest regrets was that her children would never meet their aunt, and their aunt would never meet them. She hated that something so thoughtless had taken her sister away from them all. "Ben nor Millie. I named my daughter for her, but I couldn't bring myself to call her  _Emily_. So she got Millie instead."

"Tell me about her, Emily, that is. I know about Millie." It was a simple request and one that Merri normally turned down on the spot. She didn't want to talk about Emily to most people. She wanted to keep her as a little secret that only she had access too, but she knew that wasn't healthy for any of them. She needed to be able to talk about her sister so that she could tell her children about their aunt.

So instead she took a deep breath and thought. Even if she didn't say everything, when she started Merri knew she wouldn't be able to stop until her mind had come to some semblance of peace. "I… You could be in for a long night." She prefaced the conversation, because if he had somewhere to go or something to do he should know that she was going to be doing this and it would not be quick.

"That's fine. I'm here." He smiled, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close as she took a deep breath and thought of where would be best to start. She went right back to the beginning, some of her earliest memories, and through the rest of the day she shared stories, telling them to Ben and Millie as much as to Pride, and for the first time in a long time she finally felt in control of her emotions.


	16. Le Carnivale de la Mort

The fact that this case had come up the day before Mardi Gras was bothering her. She really didn't want for her first Mardi Gras in New Orleans to be ruined by a case, though she had always known that it was a possibility the moment that she got here to work. She at least wanted to be able to see the parade if only because Ben would be on a float and she wanted to get photo's of him to send to her parents, and she guessed she could send it to James too. Tonight though, Katrine was going to be with the kids so she had the evening off and would be able to actually have a night out. "Where is good to go for drinks for Mardi Gras while my nanny has the kids?"

"Working on this case you still want to go out?" LaSalle asked, giving her one of the strangest looks that she could remember on his face. She knew that it wasn't the easiest thing for them to be getting through, given the case seemed to be targeting people who were celebrating. That wasn't going to stop her from enjoying her first big celebration where she actually managed to stay in the city. Halloween she'd worked and Christmas she'd gone back to Arlington, while Thanksgiving was pretty much the same everywhere she went.

"I never actually arrange to take a night away from my kids." She felt like that was enough of a defense given that he had been teasing her ever since the day she'd arrived for this. She hoped that it wouldn't end up being something they could all do rather than her having to call off because they had to work. "Pride convinced me that I need more  _Merri_  time and slightly less  _mommy_  time after the  _Moultrie_  investigation." She had had to agree with him, she needed to reclaim that part of her life as well, and now that she had a support system she would be able to. At least she hoped that she would.

"So you're going to be going out what, one day a week?" That seemed like a plan he was starting to make, and Merri wasn't sure how she should feel about that. It was nice that he thought that she'd spend that much time with him, but she had someone else in her life that she should at least try to make time for. It was one way that she'd be able to learn if she was ready for a real relationship.

"Yeah, but not with you. I promised one date night a week with Sam, until we decide if this is serious or not." Merri did like Sam, and he didn't seem to have anywhere near as many problems with her calling off to spend time with her kids or just not making him a priority, unlike some she'd dated in the years since her divorce. Whether that would last was yet to be seen, but she felt like it could get there if she focused.

"You still seeing the good doctor?" LaSalle seemed surprised to hear him mentioned and she wondered if that was because she never spoke about Sam or if LaSalle just wasn't entirely sure that she was going to be able to keep the relationship going. Truthfully she wouldn't have blamed him for either, but at least she could prove to him that he was wrong and she was doing just fine.

"We're working things out. I'm still not sure yet." It was honest, and that was not what she'd expected to say to LaSalle of anyone. She knew that what was going on in her head needed talking about but she wasn't going to talk about it with LaSalle. The man had never had a relationship last longer than a month, as far as she knew, and he was almost the dictionary definition of a perennial bachelor.

"But you're coming out with us for Mardi Gras. That's non-negotiable." It did make her feel more included to know that LaSalle was not going to let her avoid going out with them now that she'd mentioned she had childcare. "Laurel will be around, after the parade we normally find somewhere as a group." That sounded brilliant, and in so many ways she couldn't wait to see how it all went. She didn't want to think about what it would be like if she had tried to do it alone, and even more so if she hadn't done it at all.

There were still stumbling blocks though, most of those being the next morning more than the actual night out. She was not sure she was ready for dealing with her children after a late night with a hangover. It was hard enough when she drank on her own, not that she even did that much anymore. "As long as I'm not out too late."

"What!?" LaSalle yelped like she'd fatally wounded him herself, and she couldn't help but burst out laughing at him for that. It was hilarious that he had had that reaction just to her saying that she wasn't going to be staying out that late. She never stayed out late so she really didn't know how that was such a surprise.

"Hey, I do still have an almost-two-year-old at home who will be waking me up at 6am." Not that LaSalle would have any idea of dealing with children early in the morning, especially now Ben had learnt how to let Millie out, or not, depending on his mood. Millie actually got louder when Ben decided to tease her and not let her out. "Early nights come with parenting."

"Let's just hope we get this case wrapped up between now and then." That was a good point, and Merri couldn't even pretend that LaSalle was wrong. There was a chance they wouldn't solve this until after the celebrations were over. Then she'd just have to wait another year and she wasn't sure how she was going to feel about that either. She'd been looking forward to this, but she couldn't always help what work through her way.

"I'm sure we will." She continued, then thought about whatever it was going on with their boss and his daughter. It was such a strange place to be the one worried, and she didn't know what she would actually be able to do. She wondered if LaSalle had any insight, given that he'd known Pride for a long time by now, they'd met at Mardi Gras too apparently, so it was obviously an important time for the two of them too. "I'm worried about Pride."

"He's worried about Laurel, so between us all we're all worried about one of them, or both." That didn't reassure Merri that much, as it made it sound as though LaSalle was worried about Laurel as well as being worried about Pride. That wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear as what went on between fathers and daughters was generally not something that could be shook easily.

"I'll try and talk to him later, or Laurel, or both." Not wanting to be nosy Merri wouldn't push if one or the other of them told her to back off, but it was going to be easier if she focused on trying to get to the bottom of it in the kind of way that only a mom could. She actually loved that that seemed to come with the ability to parent, the ability to get to the bottom of anything and work out what was happening was so helpful.

"Merri, you're still kinda new. What makes you think Laurel will talk to you?" It was a fair question, but there were a few things she had going for her. The kind of things that LaSalle would never be able to claim, no matter what it was was that he changed in the future. He couldn't be what she was, and he couldn't do what she did.

"I'm a woman and I'm a mom. Both things help when dealing with a teenage girl." She'd also been a teenage girl once. That tended to help when trying to relate to someone of that age. Of course Merri had had a whole other set of problems when she was a teenager, but she was pretty sure that it wasn't going to hamper a conversation with Laurel.

LaSalle, however, didn't look entirely convinced. She wasn't sure what else she could say when it came to convincing him of the fact she wasn't going to harm the situation, but he already looked to skeptical. "If you say so." He mumbled then went back to his file, and Merri just stared at him and shook her head.

"I know so." She smirked then and threw a pen at him. She watched it bounce off his shoulder before turning her smirk back to him. "Come on LaSalle, you know you'd open up to me if you didn't have that big ol' stick up your butt." She did enjoy teasing him like this, and he could be so sensitive about how he encouraged her to open up and yet rarely opened up to her too.

" _I'm_ the one with a stick up my butt?" He replied, quickly breaking into a smirk too, and Merri knew that she could distract him from the conversation. That was what she needed to do now, because clearly whatever she was going to say to Pride and Laurel needed to be on her, if she brought LaSalle in he would probably get his negative mojo all over her and she would cause more trouble than she wanted. It was worth cutting him out if she could help at all.

So Merri bided her time through the day, working the case with the urgency that she could. They were sure that tonight was going to be the attack, one of the busiest nights of the year in New Orleans, and it was up to the 6 of them to ensure that they didn't disrupt it. As the day wore on they were pretty certain they had who they needed, and sent LaSalle to scope out the place, when he called saying he thought he had something she and Pride decided to walk down there knowing they would blend in more walking through the quarter. It also gave her an opportunity to bring up what she was worrying about. "What's going on with you?"

"What do you mean?" He responded, and for a moment Merri wondered if that was a serious question. Everyone had seen how he was being on this case, his comment about knowing when people were lying to him, really everything about his demeanour was telling her that there was something wrong and since she knew she wasn't the only one to notice it she decided to keep the conversation going.

"You're on edge, you're ignoring things and delegating more to me and Chris than usual." She wanted him to know the delegating wasn't necessarily a bad thing, because it wasn't, but it was unusual enough that she was going to ask about it and that she wasn't going to take silence as an answer.

"And?" It wasn't quite a snap, but Pride made it quite clear that he wasn't loving her implication, and she wasn't exactly the happiest that she was having to make it the way that she was, but she didn't think that he would have answered had she not approached it like this.

"It's not like you." She pressed on, because she still wasn't going to let him run away from a conversation that she was sure that he needed. He had been there for her more than once, and she was going to return that in any way that she possibly could, even if it was possibly crossing the line into meddling.

"You've not even known me a year Brody." That was true enough, but given that they had slept together once since starting her time in the city, shared a bed a few more times than that since the  _Moultrie_  investigation had started and closed and caused her carefully built and fortified walls to crumble down like dust. "You don't know me well enough to make any kind of guess." She definitely doubted that one. Merri might not have known him as long as Gibbs or LaSalle, but she had almost definitely shared something with him they hadn't.

"I think that's plenty of time to get to know you." She said quietly, just loud enough that only he could hear, and she tried to push all those implications into the comment too. She knew that maybe, just maybe, she was pushing too hard but the one thing she was certain of was that he wasn't ever going to actually tell her anything if she didn't push. He was annoyingly male that way. "What's going on, King?"

"My father…" Those two words almost fell from his mouth without permission, and Merri could see that he desperately wanted to pull them back in and hope she'd never heard, but it didn't work that way and he sighed a moment later and then continued with whatever was actually bothering him. "Laurel went to see my father in prison, and I just…"

"Did she tell you that?" Merri asked. She had known a little about Pride's father, but not enough to have ever formed an opinion. She knew he was in prison, she knew that for the most part Pride believed that he belonged there. So, it was only natural he was concerned about Laurel going there.

"No." He admitted sheepishly as they turned the corner on to Dauphine, dodging around a group of tourists who didn't seem to have any idea where they were going. Hearing them Pride pointed toward a neighbouring street and pointed down it. "It's down Dumaine, right down there." He then called, getting a return of 'thank you' as they carried on walking.

"You like doing that sometimes, don't you?" Pride smirked and nodded, and Merri wondered if part of him doing that had been to distract her and try and get her off this topic, but she wasn't going to be dissuaded that easily. It had been a nice try but there was definitely a lot more to this story than just Laurel visiting his father. "Then how do you know Laurel went to see him?"

"Intuition, instinct… all of the above?" There was another sigh, and Merri did feel bad for that. She knew that all parents had to go through the stages of their kids doing things they wouldn't like. It was something she was dreading when her kids as it was already difficult and all Ben did was decide what to play with and who at school he was friends with.

"It's hard when they have their own minds, isn't it. It's bad enough when they're little and you can still protect them." That was how she was feeling for now, and she also knew in some ways she was looking at her future, Pride as going through the type of thing that she could expect to start experiencing in a little over ten years. "I can't imagine when they're older and you have to let them go."

"It's not easy." Pride nodded, taking her elbow to pull her in around another group of tourists as they started to near their destination. They both seem to intuitively know to slow down their steps so that they could finish this conversation before they were reunited with LaSalle.

"From all accounts… you don't have the best relationship with your father?" That was what LaSalle had hinted at. It was something that until now she'd never felt comfortable to poke at, especially given that her relationship with her parents could be described as strained at best. Some people didn't like to talk about that kind of thing with someone they thought couldn't handle a parental relationship either.

Pride looked more than a little uncomfortable at that question, but she wasn't surprised that he carried on speaking. It seemed like he wanted to get it out as much as she wanted to listen. "No. He made my childhood difficult and is the reason my momma left." She'd never known that, she'd never actually really known what had happened to Pride's mother, but she was just going to let him talk about that if he wanted. It seemed more like he wanted to brush it off. "At least she waited til I was grown."

"But he's still your father, so you let it go because you still have loyalty to him." Merri had had similar thoughts about her mother but for very, very different reasons. She didn't know how she'd react in his place and she didn't want to try and guess either. It wasn't the kind of situation that anything was directly comparable to, and anything that she said on the matter would be seen as a platitude. "So, you get stuck in a routine."

"And that argument is what gets me every time, and I guess there is a part of me that still loves him." That was something that Merri could understand in an entirely different way, and she knew that Pride knew that. She'd spoken about that with him on more than one occasion, because she and James were in a similar situation, and she was sure that her kids would be where Pride was one day.

"We all love the people who hurt us." She commented quietly, looking at the floor for a moment and counting the cracks in the sidewalk as they neared their destination again. She was fairly confident that she knew what was going on, and talking to Laurel wasn't actually going to help anyone in this situation, so she'd leave it, and save that for when she needed to be more involved.

"It's a flaw of human nature." Pride commented and that was something that Merri could never disagree with. They shouldn't love anyone who hurt them the way Pride senior and James did, and yet they both clearly loved those people. "I'll try and focus more on the case." Pride smiled and squeezed her arm.

"Focus on what you focus on Pride, we can pick up the slack. I'm just a little worried about you." After everything that she'd been through and everything that she knew he went through and didn't talk about she wanted him to know that she was going to keep herself open to anything that he needed to do. "It's just on the left here." She pointed to the building, ready to get back to work.

"Thanks, Brody." He said quietly before stopping in the doorway to let her go first into the observation building. This was the point of stopping any kind of personal conversation, because neither of them were the most comfortable letting LaSalle know what they talked about. Though she was sure that went in all directions at times.

The case was solved relatively soon after that, though Merri could have done without LaSalle being entirely loopy off the gas that he'd inhaled in helping others. Now though she knew that Pride had taken Laurel out to visit his father, so she was with the rest of the team for the parade. She was actually really looking forward to this, and she was sure that that wasn't going to fade away no matter how long she lived here. "I love that there are kids in it."

"Is one of your kids in the parade?" LaSalle asked as they walked down from where they had been finishing up in the office to the point they were meeting the others for it. She was a little surprised that LaSalle had remembered that, but it was nice and she was quite happy to confirm it. It was something she proud of.

"Yeah, Ben's school is helping on a float and he's one of those representing his class." She couldn't help but start beaming at that, because she was so proud of the fact that he had been picked already. He hadn't stopped speaking about it for a week since they'd practiced some. He had always loved having attention when he didn't need to speak to anyone.

"Proud momma huh?" Another question, and Merri shared a quick look at Patton as they carried on along the path, looking for the tall form of Sebastian that was definitely plenty big enough to show them where he and Loretta had been waiting for them.

"Oh yeah, it's our first Mardi Gras and Ben's really involved with it." Partly it was because he liked to feel included. They had moved so much in his life that inclusion was not something he was entirely used to. This was where Merri was fairly sure they were settling for good and so Ben was reaping the benefits of that. Her daughter, on the other hand, didn't seem all that overly impressed. "Millie just likes the beads. We have got so many beads this last week, everywhere we go she demands more beads."

"True child of New Orleans there." LaSalle laughed and pointed ahead to where Sebastian's head gave them a point to reach. "Loretta and Sebastian got us a spot, they even made sure there was space for you Patton."

"Are we going to the park tomorrow, Merri?" Patton asked after a moment, taking charge a little of plowing through the crowd. He did always make it easier when they followed him, as he didn't really care if he was getting in people's way. He knew that they needed to let him through or he'd just run over their feet. She'd been going back and forth on the park for days, but she knew it was the best way to do this.

"Oh yeah. Sam's going to come and meet the kids too." That was a pronouncement she hadn't been expecting to make after only a little over a week, but since she'd spoken to Ben about it he'd had so many questions he'd decided that he wanted to know about Sam and see if he was a good guy on his own.

"Getting serious already?" Patton asked, clearly being as hesitant as Merri was still feeling. There was a part of her that still wanted to call Sam and cancel all of it, but she knew that she couldn't really. At this point Ben would ask more questions than it would be worth answering if she cancelled, and she wasn't sure that she wanted to deal with his thoughts about it all until Sam showed up again.

"Not really, but Ben wants to meet him so I agreed that he could come." Serious was the last thing she was thinking about. She still wasn't entirely sure that she could be serious with anyone, especially given that if she started to get comfortable it would be when James actually decided to visit and that would mess everything up again. Better not to be serious and keep her options open. "I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. We've been on two dates"

"Well, I'll be there to distract the kids if it doesn't go well." Patton smiled as they finally made it through to where Sebastian and Loretta were, making enough space that Patton could be nearer the front and protected a little bit from the crowd by everyone around them. She was truly thankful that he'd be there with her.

"Thanks. Hey Sebastian, Loretta." She grinned then stood to the back beside Loretta, just watching the procession and smiling when a beaming and waving Ben Lathom came into view, bouncing happily when he saw Merri. "Hey look at my little man up there." She pulled her phone out and snapped a few pictures and a video, enjoying how happy Ben looked with the other children and how he was definitely liking that everyone was looking at him.

Loretta grinned too as Ben made sure to wave to her specially too. This was the happiest Merri could remember seeing him looking, and for a moment she wondered if he was destined for some kind of performing role. It did seem at home for him. "He looks so happy." Loretta said quietly, and Merri just nodded a little, knowing that it wasn't always guaranteed to stay.

"He's the centre of attention, he'll talk about this for months." Merri was likely going to be fed up of hearing about it by the end of the week, but she wasn't going to stop Ben talking about something that he had clearly loved to do. "Remind me to send these to his dad before bed tonight." It was only fair that James get to see that Ben was doing these things and having these experiences, even if he wasn't there to see him doing them.

"Are we all donating our beads to Millie after Mardi Gras?" Patton asked, and Merri smiled a little at that idea. There was no way that she could get enough on her own for her daughter's tastes, but maybe the lot of them could make it really work and give Millie them as presents with her birthday coming up in a couple of months.

"If you want, she'll love you all for it more." Not that Millie really had that much of any opinion on anyone yet. She cared if someone smiled at her or not. She was not a picky child. "I'm an even more proud momma now." She smirked as she watched Ben stick his tongue out at someone and get a dozen more in return. He'd passed now but she'd watch him until she couldn't anymore.

"You have a good reason to be too." Loretta grinned and reached around her, giving her a small squeeze that reminded Merri how it felt when someone you loved helped you out. "Happy Mardi Gras, Merri." She smiled at the warmth she felt for these people who had brought her and her children into their family without even a second thought. Even LaSalle and his quest to get Millie as many beads as he could changed her mind.


	17. My Brother's Keeper

Merri really hated this case, and really all cases that involved abandoned children. She wasn't good at keeping her emotions in check on them because most of the time they hit a little close to home. She'd had to hold that little boy back the night before as he was told he was being taken away from his brother, and today she was going to be fighting tooth and nail to make sure they got a nice long visit. They both deserved that, in reality Merri wished she could get them placed together, but that was out of the realm of even her influence. "What's on your mind, Brody?" She heard coming from the table in the kitchen, and she looked up suddenly.

"Huh, what?" She understood the question and simultaneously didn't understand at all. Mostly because she hadn't actually been paying all that much attention to anyone else in the room. She'd just been focusing on her own internal commentary and her plans of what she could do to get Danny placed somewhere with his little brother. She'd actually completely forgotten that Pride had even been sat nearby.

"What's going on in that brain of yours?" It was another question and Merri was really glad that he had asked, even if she didn't actually know what to say or how he'd known that there was something going on at all. It bothered her at times that he could figure her out quite that easily.

"How did you know there was anything going on in my mind?" She asked, looking at him as she tried to think about what to say and how to say what she was thinking about. Merri was happy about the fact that he could guess that she needed something, but she still didn't know how to phrase it, and she didn't know how he had figured her out when most of the time she couldn't figure herself out.

"You've been here what, almost a year?" Pride asked after a moment, and she realised that he was right. She was coming up for a year in the city and that she had been working with these people and getting to know them just as well as she got to know anyone in her entire life. "You're not that much of a mystery to me anymore. I know when something is bothering you just by your footsteps." She tilted her head and looked at him as he said that, because she honestly wasn't sure how anyone could get that from her footsteps. "You get heavy-footed when you're thinking, so tell me."

"I can't stop thinking about the boys." She sighed, the only thing that she could actually say. Lying to him was almost impossible since he could clearly see right through her. Then again, Merri was starting to be able to see through him too. She knew when he was beginning to obsess about things, and when he was about to go out off of the deep end on a case. "They are just playing on my mind."

"What about them?" Pride sat back, stretching his arms behind his head as he looked at her. There was always something inviting about him when he did that, and she just found it a lot easier to speak to him than she expected. The words for what was bothering her still weren't coming easily. So she was trying to put it in the basic horror that she was experiencing and she didn't know how else.

"Just… who could abandon their child like that?" She asked, these boys had been abandoned by their mother and never really knew their father and she had to wonder how anyone was brought up in such horror. Merri may not have had the most emotionally stable upbringing, and she may have so many problems with her mother and father, they had always been at the other end of the phone. Like the boys she'd never truly been alone either, she'd always had Emily with her too.

The look on Pride's face told another story, and after a second she realised what he was doing but then he spoke, and she realised what he was getting at immediately. "You're the one asking that?" He said, and that was definitely something that she really did need to think about. She was angry at the boys' father for not being around, and she tended to try and defend someone else.

"What…" She tried to start off sounding like she was actually confused, but she knew, she'd known just from his face. "Oh, James." She trailed off again and sighed a little. Yes, he wasn't there, but he wasn't like this either. He tried to call his children, they knew who he was. They weren't abandoned, James was just absent. "He actually does contact his children, not much I'll admit but he does speak to them, and I know if I was in a really bad situation and he was needed he would show up. At least for most of the time." She did believe that.

"Brody." Pride started, shaking his head a little and she knew it. She knew that she was defending him when she was having that many problems with her ex-husband and almost all the situations that she'd been in recently, but she just had to believe that James was better than that. She had to believe that because he was half of her children, for better or worse she was always going to be connected to him through them.

"I know I complain about him a lot, and I know that just because he  _might_  do something doesn't mean he's necessarily a good guy… but…" She trailed off again because within that she knew she was about to prove Pride's point. She knew it and she couldn't back out but she couldn't not think about it. As soon as she stopped speaking though, Pride sat forward again and leant on the table.

"There's no buts here, he might not be as bad as some, that doesn't change the facts." It was a good point, it was well argued, and Merri really wasn't sure at all how she could prove him wrong other than pointing out that there were things that couldn't be seen at affected them both.

"Maybe it doesn't, I know in my heart of hearts though that James is a good man with some pretty serious mental health issues too." James struggled, but he tried his best and she knew that he did love them, even if he was terrible at showing it. "I just can't hold it against him. Even though I have problems with everything. He's the father of my children, and for most of my adult life I've been in love with him, so I defend things I probably shouldn't." Merri wanted more of him, not less, and that was hard to reconcile when she was normally angry with him. "He's good with the kids when he's here, and that matters."

"Sometimes that's the best we can hope." Pride clearly realised that pushing this wasn't going to get either of them anywhere, and she was glad that he was, for the most part at least, getting off of the subject of her ex. "It's not really my place to judge, but sometimes you're a little too close to your ex."

"Probably." She wasn't even going to try and say that Pride was wrong, because he quite clearly wasn't. She was too close to James, and she knew that but it wasn't going to stop. As if realising that she needed an escape route her phone started to ring. "It's the social worker, I'm going to try and sort out what I can do for the boys. They deserve someone they can count on." She could pledge that, and doing it to Pride meant that she'd need to do it too.

There were no obvious breaks in this case yet, but it was still early. That was why she was in here with Sebastian, looking at the case from a forensic perspective. That was what was needed right now, and it was clear that Sebastian was as worked up about this case as the rest of them, though he was clearly more concerned about it too. "How do parents leave children?" He asked, and she frowned a moment, remembering her conversation with Pride just before they set off. "I just, don't understand it." Merri didn't know Sebastian's family make up but she guessed he had something similar to her.

"I don't either." She said honestly, because she really didn't know or understand. She couldn't really imagine being away from children in any way, and the question was really beginning to annoy her because she just wanted to try and figure it out so she could understand it when she came face to face with someone like this. "Sebastian, you know I have kids right?"

"You do?" Sebastian replied, though she really didn't think that he was all that surprised despite phrasing his response like a question. "I wasn't sure if you had children or if you were just really close with some local kids like LaSalle is." OK, that also made sense to her, because she knew that LaSalle was very close with some of the local kids thanks to his work with the children's hospital.

"I do, I have a boy and a girl. My son is 6 and my daughter is almost 2." Merri was happy to talk about them, as it was yet another reminder that some kids were happy and healthy, even if they only had one parent, or someone who wanted to act as a parent. She was a little surprised that Sebastian hadn't known for sure though. "I thought someone would have told you by now though."

"The little boy who was waving at you at the parade?" Sebastian smiled and nodded, clearly having paid more attention to that than she'd thought. He'd been speaking to Patton at the time, and she hadn't known for sure if he'd been all that aware of the things that were going on with the rest of them.

"My son. I thought you would have realised there, or not been paying attention to what I was doing." Truthfully though she thought that nobody was really ever paying attention to her most of the time. She was just so used to being in a place where nobody really cared entirely about what she did outside of work.

"I was talking to Patton and focusing on that, and then LaSalle did his thing so I didn't really think." He smiled a little and Merri thought it was sweet how he accepted it so much easier than almost anyone else had. "So you definitely can't understand how people leave their kids."

"No. I mean, I'm doing it on my own but my ex-husband has issues, and I give him far too many passes, but I don't understand it at all." She was used to explaining this to people too, but once again Sebastian was seeming to be really accepting of it all. "This is worse though, these kids lost both their parents and it just makes me sad." She hated that they didn't have anyone.

"It makes me sad, too." He nodded, then smiling at her a little bit he was clearly searching for something positive for them both. She needed for that and she was actually really happy about the fact that Sebastian was searching for it. "At least your kids have you though, that's something positive, right."

"It is, thanks Sebastian. I should go check on the others." She knew that Sebastian would keep working the forensics, that's what he was best at doing, and Merri could try and keep everyone else together. Sometimes that's what she was the best at doing, but she was sure that she was going to have to introduce him to her kids. "I'll have to introduce you to my kids. I get the feeling you'd be a big hit with Ben." He was exactly what Ben would love too, so Merri made sure to mentally arrange that.

Then she just dived back into the case, spending most of it silently hating how much these boys had been through, even when it looked like Danny may have been the suspect all along she just wasn't sure that she could buy that. He just seemed too good for that to be what he did. So she talked to him like a victim and got more response out of him. She reminded him of so many she'd seen, and in the end she felt vindicated when it was obvious he was at the end of his tether and out of options. That was part of why she pushed Pride to help him, they all felt for him.

Which was part of why she was glad that Loretta had made a plan for them too, and helping them know that they were always going to have somewhere safe was what they needed. Even offering him a job. It was just what they all needed. Tonight she could go home and know that she'd done a good job and really helped people. "Agent Brody." She heard called as she was picking her bag up and smiled, turning to the sound of the voice.

"Danny, hi." She was genuinely happy that Danny was already seeming much happier and more settled. That was the goal of everything that they were doing here, and she was proud that he had been as accepting of the help as he had been. It had been a gamble for all of them, but he'd accepted and she was sure that he would repay them more than they had given up by just growing up on the right side of the law. "Aren't you meant to be going with Loretta?"

"Yeah I will be in a few minutes, I just wanted to talk to you a moment before we left." They both looked over his shoulder where CJ was excitedly talking to Pride and Loretta about what he wanted to do now that he would have somewhere else to live and someone else to keep him protected and safe. Someone other than his brother, that was.

"Sure, what's up?" She smiled again and squeezed Danny's arm, just making sure to reach down and turn her computer screen off. Not that she thought Danny would be all that bothered by the fact she was updating the internal file that NCIS would now keep on his father to track him when and if he was ever released from prison. "Need help with something?"

"No, nothing like that. I want to say thanks. For all you've done with CJ, keeping him calm and happy." Danny smiled once again looking over at his brother, something about the bond the two of them had just reminded her of Emily, in the best of ways, and she was just glad that there was a happy ending on the cards for them. At least, that was her hope. "And thanks for being the only one who was talking to me not yelling at me before."

Thinking back to that place she frowned for a moment before realising that no matter what, things could have been avoided if they'd all just trusted each other a little more. If the agents had trusted Danny and if Danny had trusted them. It was time to start changing that now. "Next time federal agents are pointing guns at you, just give up straight away." She advised, mostly teasing him, but thinking that that was advice that everyone should really take into account.

"I'm hoping I never have to do that again." He laughed, still with the same swagger that just seemed to come naturally to teenage boys. How she was dreading going through that herself. After a moment he sobered and looked to her, nodding softly. "I'm gonna stay out of trouble now. To thank Loretta for taking a chance on me, and to thank you for not assuming I was all bad. I'm not used to people believing in me."

"Danny, all you have to do is your best." She felt so proud of him already, and she'd only known him a few days. Merri might not give many people second chances, but when it was obvious that they deserved one she was happy to do that. Danny deserved a first chance to be something more than his parents were, and so she was wiping the slate clean for him.

"Maybe I'll see you again sometime?" Danny asked, and Merri just smiled. She couldn't deny that she had a soft spot for the boy, he was so desperate to do what was best for himself and his brother, even if it wasn't really the best thing. She would have kept in contact even if they weren't going to be living next door.

"Oh I'm sure you'll see me tomorrow." She chuckled, then at his confused look laughed even harder. "I live next door to Loretta with my kids, so I apologise in advance for the noise, I have a toddler." She explained, though she was absolutely certain that living next door to a toddler was not always the high point for anyone.

"I can't wait. Thanks, ma'am." Now that would not have been what she expected anyone to say to living next door to a toddler. Then again, knowing how Danny had been living, a small child who liked to throw tantrums was probably the most normal thing he could experience. That was definitely something that she could understand. Her upbringing may have been boarding schools rather than social care, but the outcome was much the same in some ways, a desire for experiences the average person had.

"Danny, since we're going to be neighbours you should call me Merri, just like everybody else does." She just wasn't that comfortable with being called ma'am, and she never really had been, but he was going to see her every day, probably. He was definitely going to see her kids, and it would be more comfortable for them all if they were on first name terms.

"If you're sure?" He asked, clearly still erring on the edge of caution. How did a boy raised in such horror have so many good manners? Someone had clearly been a good influence on him, and she was willing to bet it was his last foster-mother. This case had been such a tragedy, but it had a happy ending and Merri was happy with that.

"I am." She waved a hand and pointed in the direction of where CJ and Loretta were now waiting for him. "Go get settled in with your brother, we had to pull a lot of strings." Another nod and Danny turned back to those he was going to be living with and Merri just watched them go, feeling Pride come up beside her. The two of them being the only ones left in the office now. "That boy has so much to give. I think Loretta's doing a great thing."

"I think she's making a mistake, but we'll see." Pride said quietly when he was sure that they were all out of earshot. Merri was a little surprised that he was the one doubting this, as normally he was the optimistic one and she was the pessimist. It seemed this situation was the first thing that had managed to reverse that outlook on life, and she actually had to laugh just a little bit.

"Have a little faith, Pride." She smirked, turning to face him. The role reversal was striking her as too funny, and she just wanted Pride to see that the teenager wasn't necessarily a self-fulfilling prophecy. Hopefully he'd grow on Pride too, since that would make everything easier. "Danny's a good kid, you'll see."

"You seem sure of that." Pride gave her the same kind of skeptical look he gave her on cases, and she realised that he didn't quite believe that she was thinking clearly. There were precedents all over the country for Danny turning a new leaf, and she tried to think of someone on the cases they'd worked or would both know of, but she was drawing a blank so she reached into her more general base of ridiculous facts.

"I am, he reminds me of this kid I knew back home. She was always getting into trouble, in and out of juvie, spent more time with the cops or social services than with her parents." OK, she hadn't actually known the girl. Emily had, but Merri remembered the story. Largely because her mother had been horrified when they were teenagers that Emily's friend was the way she was, now Olivia made a point to keep track of her and update Merri whenever they spoke.

"And now?" Pride prompted, clearly wanting her to finish the story of what had happened to this friend she'd had. That was something that was maybe not going to be the best example to him, but it proved that she could change. Merri knew that Pride was not fond of politicians though, so it may possibly not work for him.

"She's on the city council in Detroit and owns a bakery." The bakery might endear him a little more, since she knew that he loved to cook, and that he would be interested in running both of those things at the same. "Hasn't been in trouble since she was 18, we turned 37 this year. That's how I know Danny will be fine. He's becoming an adult, and he has all of us to influence."

"Want to bet on it, if you're so sure?" Now that was the kind of response she would have expected more out of LaSalle than their boss, but she wasn't ever going to back away from a bet, or a challenge. She was taking this as both, and she was certain that she'd be able to win. They had to set a reasonable timetable, so she thought for a moment and decided on something fair to them both.

"Sure. I will bet you… a dinner date that Danny has not been charged with a crime by this time next year." Statistics suggested if he was going to reoffend it would happen within the year. Though really with the forfeit she didn't think either of them was really going to lose this bet.

"You're on." The smile on Pride's face made her realise that maybe he thought that too. How could either of them lose when all it would cost them was dinner. They enjoyed spending time together outside of work anyway, so it really wasn't that much of a bet. She was actually happier about that. She had her things gathered up soon after that and headed home, just looking forward to spending the evening with Ben and Millie. After this case it was needed.

The following day though, Ben was too excited about having boys to play with. She knew that outside of school his daily life was fairly female-dominated, and she was quite proud that he never minded that but she knew that sometimes he really wanted other boys to play with. "Mummy, mummy! Can we go meet Loretta's boys now?" He bounced around the bedroom, and almost immediately her phone rang and James' name flashed up, she picked it up and answered it before handing it straight to her son.

"Five minutes puppy. Here, talk to your dad while I finish getting dressed." She hoped that James could entertain Ben for a few minutes. Merri wanted just a couple of minutes of quiet so she could make a note of Millie's chest. It seemed in the last few days she'd caught a cold or other virus and she was worrying a little more than she normally would be.

"Dad! There are new boys here!" Merri heard Ben yelp as he ran out of the room and down the stairs to talk to James. She wasn't sure what it was but Ben had started to think that he needed to only speak to James in the living room, and Merri wasn't entirely sure why. It did give her the quiet that she had desperately wanted to finish getting Millie dressed.

"He's really excited about this, isn't he?" She said quietly as she tickled Millie's side a little. Normally Millie would have tried to roll away and laughed, but today she just tried to push Merri's hand away. "Are you coming down with another cold? Shall I get Loretta to check you over while we're next door?" She asked, knowing that Millie wouldn't actually tell her if she was sick. "Come on, let's go and get Ben some new playmates." She smiled, making sure Millie was covered up and just picked her up.

"Mum, dad wants to tell you something." Ben yelled as she started walking down the stairs, and Merri rolled her eyes a little. Of course James wanted to tell her something, that had seemed to become a theme the last few days, but she didn't have time. He hadn't emailed her like she'd told him to, so it couldn't be that serious.

"Tell him to email me we've got to go." She called back, trying not to kill herself on the toys just left abandoned on the staircase. It was already not the safest staircase for children but it was even worse when Ben hadn't been cleaning up. Tonight she was going to make sure that he did.

"Mum says email her, bye dad." Ben chirped, and by the time Merri walked over to the table Ben had hung up and dropped it back down, running to get his shoes on. Instead of watching him Merri stared at her phone, the background currently a picture of James and Ben from the last time James had visited. She wondered what her ex needed so desperately, but knew that he'd eventually get over himself and just email her.

An hour later, after the usual awkwardness Ben had around other people, the two boys were playing soccer in the garden while Millie had gone to Danny when they'd arrived and thrown a tantrum if anyone tried to take her away. "You have no idea how excited Ben was when I said I'd bring him round to meet your boys. I did say they were a little older than him but he's six, he didn't really care that much."

"Millie seems to have taken a real shine to Danny." Loretta commented, turning Merri's attention to where the older boy was stood talking to Millie about a cat that seemed to just enjoy sitting in the tree. Merri had seen it there a dozen times and Millie had been fascinated every time.

"He's good with her." Millie was definitely not shy, but when she was sick it was harder to get her to go to anyone else, so Merri was actually thankful that she had decided she liked Danny so much. That reminded Merri that she'd wanted Loretta to check Millie over before they went back in. "Could you listen to her chest before we leave though. She's been a bit chesty and I'm worried about the wheezing."

"Sure, have you spoken to her pulmonologist?" Loretta was the only one who knew how bad Millie's chest could be, or that Merri still had to get her checked over regularly. Merri didn't talk about that with many people at all, because that would mean they'd ask her about it and more often than not that made her more anxious about it.

"Not in a few weeks, her three month check up is still a month away." At the last test and x-ray her lungs had been clear, for the first time in her very short life, she wasn't due again now until her birthday, but it seemed like she may have to be seen beforehand if this didn't clear up in the next couple of weeks.

"It's not likely to be degeneration, normally there are far more signs of that by now." Loretta reassured her, knowing that was Merri's biggest worry. She was still hoping that it would just settle into being a persistent asthma. Not great, but better than continuing with lung issues all through her childhood. She seemed to be getting them more too, and that wasn't helping Merri feel good about it either.

"I know, just these infections she's been getting." She shook her head a little before realising that however worried she was about Millie it could wait. She wanted to know about the boys and how they were doing. "Anyway, today is not about my worries it's about you and these boys. How was last night?"

"Interesting, difficult." Those two words made Merri curious, but instead of asking she just tilted her head a little and waited for Loretta to expand on that. She was sure that it wasn't the easiest thing, getting the boys to settle somewhere completely new, but it was going to get easier. "I'm glad they have each other though, but I might see about getting CJ some counselling."

"Probably for the best, poor little guy. He's not had the easiest of starts in life." She knew that he was largely protected by Maggie, his last foster-mother who had had him for some time, but still none of this was easy for him. He was still young, and it wasn't fair that he'd seen all that he had.

"No he has not." Loretta sounded broken hearted about it, and Merri knew how she felt. It was desperately sad but they were going to be able to make sure he had a good future now. He had someone who cared about him desperately, and those who already loved him and his brother.

"I'll teach you how to mom. We'll help him out Loretta." She reached around her friend and gave her a tight hug. She might not be the best mom in the world, but she was the only one on their team. At least until now. "Him and Danny. You, me, my kids and the rest of our team."

"Dwayne doesn't approve." Loretta said, and it was clear that she was a little disappointed by that, but Merri knew that he'd get over it in the long run. Loretta probably knew that too, but it wasn't easy in the time you had to wait that she needed to go through to get him to accept everything.

"He'll come around, he always does when it comes to helping kids." Pride might have been skeptical at best, he liked to help save children, and mostly he was just worried for their friend. Merri knew that he'd be OK with it all in the end. "We just have to focus on them, and the rest will follow." She knew that, as it was how children changed in all situations. They would make sure that it all worked.


	18. More Now

The coughing from the smallest member of the family had kept them all up most of the night, and it was clear that Millie was not at her best. Merri had not been enjoying laying in bed trying to ignore the regular coughs, but by this point she wasn't sure if anyone had sleep. Certainly Millie hadn't, and Merri hadn't. Given that Ben was the light sleeper she doubted he had either. "Mummy." She heard called after another bout of coughing, and she gave up trying to lay and listen and started out of bed.

"I'll be right there Monkey." She called through, slipping her feet into her slippers before going and standing at the doorway of Ben and Millie's room. She was sat up on her bed and sure enough Ben was wide awake and sat next to her rubbing her back. "You still feeling sick little one?"

"Yes." She nodded. Just starting to pick up the connections between all these words. In the last week she'd started to actually speak a little more. Which had been a relief, but given that her favourite thing to do was impersonate others Merri wasn't actually sure she understood most of the words that she was saying.

"Mum. Millie kept me up." Ben grumbled, though he stayed sat next to Millie, patting her back just like Merri did with either of them when they had a cough. Ben was definitely taking after her in that sense, as James had tended to laugh when people were sick when they'd been together. It was nice that Ben was more caring than that. Caring, but clearly not happy about being awake either.

"She's poorly Pup, go back to bed and I'll see if we have anything for that cough." Merri stepped over and just picked Millie up, letting Ben scramble back over to his bed and get under the covers. Though even in doing that he seemed to feeling grumpy. Today was not going to be a good a day and it was too early for that determination to have already been made, yet here she was.

"But she's too loud and it's nearly morning. Look it's going light." Ben pointed out the window and Merri just sighed. It was early, and nobody had slept. That was why she thought that at least if Ben fell asleep now he'd be able to have a little bit of sleep. Either that or he would actually get to sleep and she would let him take today off. Maybe she should take the day off too.

"I know puppy just try and sleep for another hour." Bargaining had become part of her life now, and after a moment Ben nodded and laid himself down. She then stepped out the room and shut the door behind her before switching Millie into her other arm and heading to the stairs. Making a mental note to bring the medicine upstairs next time.

"Mummy, hurt." Millie whined as they made their way down, and Merri hoped that she had put her phone in her pocket at some point in the night when she hadn't been sleeping. Without that she had to grab the landline and hope that she both remembered Pride's number and that he had it programmed in.

"I know baby girl. Let's get some cough medicine. I think I have blackcurrant in the kitchen." She tried to reassure Millie while a million things were running through her mind, most of them being about if she could actually take any time off today. Not that she really had much choice. She sat Millie in her high chair as she started rifling through cupboards while listening to the ringing on the phone. "Come on Pride, pick up the phone."

" _This is Pride, leave a message and I'll return._ "

Of course, no answer. On one day she actually needed him to be answering his phone he was sleeping. Or whatever else he could possibly be doing. "Dammit." She mumbled, knowing that Millie would mimic it if she said it too loudly. At that moment she found the medicine and measured a dose out before taking it over to where Millie was just sat watching. "Here we go, maybe he's just asleep. Yeah?" She spoke, then made sure the Mille swallowed the spoon before she did the same theatrical splutter she always did after taking it. "There we go. What do we say now, come on Pride, pick up."

"Come Pride, up!" Millie repeated with a smile. Including her was something, as at least she was trying to talk. She might not be getting it right, but that was better than the non-verbal wails she'd been using until very recently. They were actual words, and they tended to make sense in context. She picked Millie up again as she listened to the rings before it cut back off to voicemail.

" _This is Pride…_ "

"Nope. Mommy will have to call Katrine if she can't get hold of Pride." Merri refused to try more than twice at this time in the morning. He'd call her when he was awake or she'd go into the office and convince him to let her leave early. It was simple enough really, and she had done it before in other jobs. That still meant leaving the kids, and so she'd need someone to watch them. "And given nobody slept tonight I think keeping Ben home is a good idea."

"Good idea!" Millie mimicked with a grin on her face that said she knew exactly what she was doing. Merri rocked her a moment while giggling, not wanting to do too much while there was still a chance that too much movement would have Millie bringing the cough syrup up again. That was the main reason she wouldn't have the strawberry one anymore.

"Are you just copying everything I say now." She asked then blew a raspberry on Millie's cheek. At least glad there was clearly still a sense of humour at work here, it told her that Millie wasn't feeling as icky as she had been doing a few days earlier. Though the cough was worse now. "You cheeky little monkey."

"Kitty?" Millie then asked, and Merri suddenly realised how all the nicknames her little family had were animal related. That was maybe not all that surprising, but she was amused by it. At least it showed they all knew what the others would reply too.

"I'm calling her now." Merri confirmed, feeling only a little like she was being bossed around by her toddler. Millie was often the one in control though. "Hey, Katrine. Sorry to call early. I know you have studying to do but can I bring you in all day? Millie's cough is worse and she's had Ben up all night." She had promised to try and give Katrine the time off while Ben and Millie were in school and day care so she could study, but this was a special circumstance.

"Sure, start at normal time?" Katrine said, though she still sounded like she was half asleep. Not that Merri could blame her, a look to the clock told her that it was a little after 5am. If she had any choice in the matter Merri would still be asleep too, but right now the best she could hope for was an hours nap.

"I need to go into work a little early. I'll try and get off though as soon as I can." She really hoped that she'd be able to get off with some decent time, they didn't have any urgent cases right now, and the robberies on base were waiting for forensics. There wasn't a huge amount she could do. "King isn't picking up his phone and that's not like him."

As usual, Katrine was the voice of reason, even if she did say it in the midst of yawning. "Maybe he took an impromptu visit to Laurel." She suggested, and that would make sense. Since their last major case he'd been missing his daughter, and Merri knew that he wanted to see her. Maybe he had gone to see her and left his phone in the car. "I'll be there at 7 then?" She asked, and Merri nodded before remembering that Katrine couldn't see her.

"Yeah, I'm gonna try and get Millie to sleep in the crib in my room so they both might sleep for a while." She hoped that Ben would be, at least. Millie might sleep for a couple of hours, at least as long as the syrup worked. She hoped that that was a few hours at the very least, as she needed to rest to heal up too. She hung up and just sighed, thinking what else could go wrong today given that it was already so early. "There we go, see Katrine is reliable. How about we go back and cuddle in bed for a bit?" Millie nodded and Merri just went back upstairs, hoping that she could get an hour nap herself.

Pride was not at the office, and he was not with Laurel. That had them both worried, that was until the first irate phone call from Charleston came in. After another one of them and a call from Pride finally saying that he'd be home as soon as he could be she sighed a little and went home, leaving LaSalle to deal with the rest of that. She had too much on her mind. The following day she listened to Pride going more than a little off the rails, and she wasn't sure what she could do to help, or stop this from going too far. She was sat at her desk while LaSalle was doing something else and Pride was up staring at his wall when he phone rang, leaving Merri even more confused than normal. Loretta rarely spoke on the phone. "Meredith. How's Millie?"

"A little better today. No fever still, just a cough." Loretta had been checking on Millie to help, but Merri was hoping that she stayed cheerful through tonight. It was a sign that Millie wasn't as sick as they'd all thought. "She's perked up in herself though, and she actually slept last night."

"Have you spoken to Dwayne today?" That was a rapid conversation change, and Merri realised Loretta was extremely worried about Pride, and that suddenly changed her whole thoughts on this. Merri had already been a little bit worried, but now she was even more worried about what was going on.

"Yeah, we're working this case but he keeps sending me and LaSalle to do other bits of it." This wasn't even, technically, their case. They hadn't been asked to help Charleston and they weren't supposed to be looking into Freddy Barlow's life, and yet here they were. She wasn't sure how this connected, but Pride said they did and that seemed to be enough for LaSalle. Even if Pride was right, Merri didn't feel right doing this.

"This is about Baitfish, and you're going to need to try to reel him in." The implication in that made Merri pause and stare up at the other woman. Why was  _she_  the one that needed to try and reel him in. She was the newbie here, the one who hadn't known him long and didn't have any history with him whatsoever. The closest she had was that they had both known Gibbs for a while, and even that wasn't a strong connection.

"What can I do. You and LaSalle have known him longer." She argued, absolutely certain that the two of them would be so much better at keeping Pride in line than she was. They knew more about how far they could push him than she did. She had to guess, and she wasn't really very good at that.

"That's where you have the advantage, you're new." Loretta argued back, and Merri had to admit that she did not understand the logic. Apparently that came across clearly in her reaction, as after a second she just continued with her reasonings. "Merri we all see he reacts to you more positively. I don't know why but I think you might be able to help him more."

"I don't know what to do." She admitted quietly, because the enormity of the responsibility that was being thrust on her was not being lost at all. Merri wasn't really sure how she would manage Pride, especially with this case going on. He wasn't exactly the type of person that anyone could handle, and she was really hoping that Loretta was just overstating it to panic her, some kind of strange late-onset hazing.

"Just be you. You're good at that." Loretta tried to reassure her, but Merri herself wasn't that sure. Generally being herself got her in trouble, especially at work. She tried to not be herself most of the time. Loretta clearly caught her hesitation and just smiled again. "Do what you'd do with an uncooperative and traumatised witness."

"I'm not sure that would work." Traumatised witnesses tended to need support, the needed to believe that someone was there and on their side no matter what they said. She wasn't sure that that was what Pride needed, he seemed to need vengeance and that wasn't something that Merri could provide, nor would she be that comfortable with it even if it were.

"I know you, you're good at knowing what people need to get them to talk about what's bothering them. It's why you're an interrogator." Right now Merri was beginning to feel more than a little manipulated, but she did want to help her friend. It was an odd pull that she didn't know how to think or feel about. "Also, try and get him to eat something."

"Eat… what?" Merri completely froze, standing up to follow Loretta to the door. She didn't know why this was all being put on her, maybe it really was what Loretta was saying or maybe in this case it was more that she was the last gasp chance, since the rest of them had all tried it before.

"He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep… When he gets like this he's impossible." Well, that had become obvious rather early on in this situation and Merri was sure that Pride would come out of this before too long, but she wasn't really sure there wouldn't be irreparable damage when he pulled his head out of his ass.

"I'll see what I can do." She gave in, she wanted to help and she wanted to try and pull him back. Whatever was going on she knew that they could get it done if she was the only choice. On top of that, there was a lot of concern for how Pride was acting. It wasn't like him, and it wasn't worth the man she'd come to know. "I am worried about him."

"We all are." That pronouncement was an understatement, Merri was sure. She didn't know what to think about when it came to this, but she wanted to scream at being left to deal with it. She was still too new for this but she'd do all that she could. "Just let him know you're there."

"I will, I'll call you later." She promised, letting Loretta head out then sighing. What the hell was she to do while the others did whatever they were doing. If Pride was going to obsess, maybe she should think about what helped her when she was obsessing about the  _Moultrie_  or about Emily's death. That was a place to start. That and making him food, not that she could cook, but she'd do all she could.

So she got him to talk, she brought him back on-side, and then she'd watched as this case had tried to systematically destroy him and break whatever control he got. They knew that it was Baitfish, and they knew that Sacha Broussard was helping to fund him. Merri didn't need to search hard for how much that played on his mind. She had thought that nothing could be worse than what she'd been through, but she'd swiftly learnt that wasn't true. When Pride went to meet their ATF colleague she had hatched a plan with the others and then headed out to the docks where Pride had been meeting her.

She hung around in the shadows until she saw that Pride was alone again, the tiny agent they were working with heading in the other direct. Merri hadn't met her yet, but knew that she was thorough at what she did. It made Merri appreciate her without ever saying anything to one another. When he was walking away she dropped out of the shadows and fell into step beside him. "What are you doing down here?"

"I heard you were meeting her, thought I'd come to take you home." She knew that he wasn't necessarily going to respond that well to that immediately, but she knew that the worst possible thing for him right now was to be alone. She had a houseful, and so did Loretta, they would both be happy to have another pair of hands to help out.

"Brody…" Sure enough he sounded like he was about to fight her on this. She already knew that he'd been dropped out here and would have had to walk or call a ride anyway, so she didn't think he would really turn down the ride, but at the same time possibly the way she offered was more like an order. Not that she was taking that back.

"King, don't argue." She said, holding a hand out to him and planting the other firmly on her hip. "Look I know this case took a lot out of you, finding out Sacha was involved all along… I don't want you to be alone tonight." She regretted the words as soon as they fell from her lips but she wasn't actually going to take them back.

"If this is you asking me out…" There was a small upturn in the corners of his lips, and Merri knew that somehow she had broken through the shell he had hardened around himself through this case. She wasn't going to pretend that she knew what she was doing here but she was going to keep doing what felt right. That had been good advice.

"Not on your life. I have a boyfriend, remember." She hadn't actually seen Sam for a couple of weeks, Millie's sickness had put paid to that, she hadn't wanted to be out more than for work until Millie was over it entirely. "This is me being your friend. Come on, Ben heard you were sad and made something for you." Alright, he hadn't heard anything. She'd told Katrine who had decided they should make something for Pride.

"How do your kids always know?" Pride asked, and Merri decided not to admit the truth in this case. While she really liked the 'honesty' thing she had implemented since the  _Moultrie_  investigation had been reopened and she realised that letting them in was easier than trying to hide everything she had.

"They eavesdrop when Loretta and I talk." That was close enough to the truth, and it did happen more than it didn't. "Come on, Millie's laid claim to Danny so he'll be glad when you come and she refocuses on you for a while." She knew that, secretly, Pride had been quite fond of being Millie's favourite, so she was sure that he would to try and claim that back.

"She's got a new favourite, huh?" He asked, clearly trying to joke but there was a hint of either jealousy or bitterness in the tone. That actually just made her laugh even more given that she was sure that as soon as Pride turned up Millie would forget all about Danny, but it was still nice to see that side of Pride too.

"Oh yeah. Loves him." She kept teasing, thinking that she prefered doing that than letting it go. Purely because there was a part of her that wanted to see what would happen if Millie continued to prefer Danny. Merri had a feeling she might actually see Pride sulk. "She's just getting over some sort of bug too."

"Snotty toddler and a hyperactive six year old?" Pride asked in that typical way that other parents did when you told them that your kids were sick. It was as though it took Pride a moment to remember that Laurel was an adult and he wasn't going to be taking anything home for her to catch. "Alright, alright. I'm coming. I get the feeling that I don't have a choice?"

"Not really. The office is closed up." She grinned a little to herself, proud as punch that she and LaSalle had manage to agree to that. She was sure that LaSalle felt a little left out of their night, which was when she reminded him that he had a lovely girlfriend to go and spend time with, so he wouldn't feel to bad about spending the weekend with people who weren't going to do anything he was interested in.

"Roy and Christopher?" Pride asked, clearly asking if everyone was in on her plan. If he'd asked outright she could have told him that literally their entire team agreed on this point. He needed to get out of the office, and he needed to spend time away from what they were doing professionally to remember what the world.

"Yep. I have a bag in my car with clothes for tomorrow." That one she admitted she may have stepped over a line for, but she'd just grabbed his go bag from beside his desk. That wasn't that bad, since her kept it there if he ever needed to spend a night away from the office. So she let herself go on that, and hoped he would too. "Be around people tonight and tomorrow, then decide what you want to do."

"By people you mean…" He trailed off and Merri wondered if he was scared she'd organised some huge kind of intervention. She hadn't ruled that out, she didn't think that any of them had, but for tonight she'd let him go and if it became a problem later on then she'd rethink it again. So for tonight it was going to be just the team parents.

"Me, Loretta and the kids. Possibly Patton and Jeanne tomorrow." If they did all go to the zoo like they were planning she was certain that Jeanne wouldn't want to be left out, and that was part of why she and Patton spent as much time together as they did in the last few months. Jeanne loved Ben, and Ben was very fond of her too.

"I'm coming, you're right." He stepped closer to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder to give her a gentle squeeze. She was glad that he did accept in the end, as it was the only thing she could think of to help him. "This could be good." He continued, and she wasn't sure if he was convincing himself or not. By the time they were back at her place and all worn out by very active children, Merri wasn't sure either way herself.

However, seeing him fall asleep with Millie on his chest was adorable, but as the evening got later she managed to get Millie upstairs and into the crib in Merri's room, before throwing a blanket over Pride and retiring to bed herself. Even with Millie's occasional coughs she slept better than she had in a while, and come the morning she tried to keep the kids upstairs, but they knew the plan for the day, and neither of them could be contained for long. "King! Up!" She heard shouted suddenly, and realised that both Millie and Ben had escaped and clearly made it down the stairs.

"Morning Millie." Came a mumbled response as Merri started coming down the stairs herself. Instead of asking stupid questions she went straight into the kitchen and started getting breakfasts together. She had no idea what Pride would like for breakfast, but she didn't have enough bread for anyone but the kids to have toast so she just put coffee on before going out into the larger room that served as both dining room and living room.

"Sorry, tried to keep them upstairs but it only works so long once they get hungry." She felt the need to apologise, especially if he'd been having half as good sleep as she had had. "Want some cereal? Corn flakes." It seemed at least polite to ask, even if it wasn't his preferred breakfast at least it was something.

"Sure, thanks." He replied, and she headed back through to the kitchen, but she kept an ear out for what was happening in the main room. Especially as Ben seemed to be suspiciously quiet for this early in the morning. She didn't remember the last time he was quiet like this.

"No sad?" Millie asked, now that she'd found her voice and decided to use all the words that she'd clearly been hoarding in her brain it seemed impossible to get her to stop talking. She liked to try and understand everything, and it was really lovely to see her getting into that in a way Merri had really been worried she wouldn't do.

Clearly, her decision to talk to Pride had already got him to open up a little, though the last person Merri would have expected him to open up to was a two year old with an attitude problem. "A little bit." He said as a response, but Merri knew that it was more than that. Answering anything though was a step up from where he'd been 24 hours earlier.

"King! We're going to the zoo today!" There was Ben, he'd clearly been biding his time listening to Pride and Millie. Either that or he'd been looking at the photographs she'd left out the night before. "Millie tried to climb in with the alligators last time. Mummy laughed but aunty Jen screamed." That was Ben's favourite story to tell.

"Did you really do that?" Pride asked millie just as Merri came out of the kitchen with his coffee and the bowl of cereal. After putting the drink down she handed Pride the bowl with one hand, simultaneously scooping Millie up with the other. That was something that she'd had to learn to master, though it wasn't easy now Millie was getting bigger.

"Careful, hot drinks. Oh she did. She's fascinated by alligators." Not that Merri could blame her, she had an interest in alligators too. They were a fascinating creature, but nobody let her keep on in the garden. "Hey, little miss. Come on breakfast time. You too, Superman." She called to Ben wondering if that was still his preferred superhero for today.

"I'm Batman today." Ben yelled, and Merri sighed a little. She seemed to remember everyone warning her that children came without volume control, and she was swiftly realising that that was an understatement. They came set on loud and there was no mute button.

"Sure you are kid. Inside voice please." She said, getting Millie into her high chair and being infinitely thankful that she was quite happy to remain sat in it until Merri took her out. She was just altogether calmer than Ben had been at her age. "Get over there then, Batman, jam and toast."

"How come he gets to eat on the sofa." Ben grumbled, clearly talking about Pride staying where he'd slept to eat his cereal. Merri didn't let the kids eat on the sofa, mostly because she could imagine the mess left if Ben was allowed to do anything on the part of the room that had rugs.

So she could at least answer that in a way that Ben couldn't argue with, and she really didn't fancy having to fight with her son on this at all, because it was not easy when he was misbehaving in the way that he was right now. "Because he's a grown up. Eat." She brought her cereal through and sat at the table, looking up a second later as Pride brought his things over too.

"King are you coming to the zoo with us?" Ben asked after just a few moments of blissful silence. Merri had to stifle the grimace she felt when Ben had opened his mouth, and she was glad he was happy and wanted Pride to join them, but she'd really just hoped for a little bit of quiet.

"Yeah come!" Millie chirped up before smashing the toast into her face. This was why all her nightclothes were black, at least it wouldn't be obvious immediately that it was covered in jam and butter. She needed to do her laundry this weekend too, though that was something she'd not thought much about.

"I have work I'm supposed to be doing, maybe next time though." Oh how he had taken the wrong track there. Her kids would not take 'work' as an excuse to miss out on the zoo. That was not going to happen, and Merri was going to look forward to this in the same whay she'd normally look forward to anyone being convinced to do things by children. "If your mom gives me more warning."

"But work is boring and the zoo is fun. Even mum isn't working today, you can go one day without working." Ben had gotten far too good at making this argument. He'd been using it on her since he was three, so he'd had plenty of time to practice it too. It was hard to argue with, and for a small child there was a lot of logic in his arguments. "Even big people need to have fun."

"That's a convincing argument, I could come along if your mom doesn't mind?" She was actually surprised that Pride had given in quite  _that_  easily, and somehow she felt like he'd decided that he was going to come along, and he just wanted to see what the kids would do if he said no.

"I'd love the extra hands, and I'm sure Loretta would too." She had to be honest about that because while having a day out with all the kids meant Danny would be coming too, it wasn't easy with all of them, especially when the kids were as active as Ben. Ben was also not the best of influences on CJ, Merri had noticed.

"Yey!" Millie replied first, and then her arms turned to Pride and with her favourite grasping motion she made it very clear who was going to be getting her dressed today. Mommy wasn't good enough anymore, clearly. It was all about Pride. "King up!"

"I think you're having her with you for the morning. Shout if she causes a problem, also take this she's sticky." She handed Pride the cloth she kept nearby for the end of any breakfast. Especially one that included jam. Though it didn't appear to be in her hair today, so that was a small improvement on a few mornings earlier.

"No problem at all." Pride grinned, taking it then picking up Millie and wrapping his arms around her tight before he looked back to Merri and smiled softly. "Thank you for convincing me to come last night. You were right, it was exactly what I needed." It was nice to hear him say that, though she wasn't going to let it pass easily.

"I am wise, so listen to me. I'm basically Yoda." Alright, the recent Star Wars marathon with the boys may not have been her best idea ever, but she thought that it had worked well at the time. Only now she found herself making almost as many references as Sebastian and that was probably something that she should pay more attention to at times, as she didn't really want to be drawn in to  _those_  conversations.

"I'd have said you're more like Vader." Pride teased back after a second, and Merri had to pause and stare at him at that. She'd always assumed that he wasn't as clueless about pop culture as he let on, especially not things that would have come out when he was the prime age for them, but he never reacted so they had all begun to assume.

"You be careful, that's still my toddler I can get her to do terrible things to you." She grinned, and as she spoke Millie clearly moved and caused a little bit of pain, just to clarify her point in the best of ways, and with perfect timing. "Also I could tell Sebastian you're not as dense as he thinks."

"Fine, you win, I'll behave." Pride laughed and shook his head. It was nice to know that she'd figured out the quickest way to win an argument, at least one that wasn't about work. She knew that at work she was always going to have to defer to him, but like this it was nice to just be two friends who were bickering about something that didn't really matter to anyone. They both needed that after the last few weeks, and it was nice to be reminded of that.


	19. The List

"Special Agent Brody." Oh no. That was the last voice Merri had needed to hear right now. How did he always show up at the most inopportune times, and how did he never actually tell her he was coming. They'd spoken, albeit briefly, three days ago when he'd called to speak to Ben and Millie. He could have mentioned that he was going to be in the US. He could have said that he was going to be visiting New Orleans. More than that, he could have done anything but turn up at her crime scene. She wasn't going to say anything about that now though, at least, not where her colleagues could see her.

"James. I didn't know you were back in the states." What else could she really say to him about this. How did he expect her to take this. Would he have even seen her and the kids if he hadn't seen their crime scene? Hadn't known that she was working here? There were so many questions that she didn't actually know the answer to, and she hoped that maybe just once James might actually answer them.

Instead, he seemed to be heading to the other direction, and she felt like it was going to annoy her. "You would have, if you hadn't passed me off to Ben the other night, or ignored all my other calls." Alright, maybe she couldn't blame him for this then. She had been avoiding his calls for a couple of weeks, and when she had picked up, she had handed off to Ben almost immediately. Ben would have told her if James had said he needed to talk to her, though.

"I've been busy. You know, new job, new city." She couldn't help but describe it that way, even if she had been here almost a year now. It didn't seem like it had been like that long, but she knew it had been. April was rapidly approaching, and Millie was going to be 2 in a couple of weeks. Far too soon for Merri's liking. She'd never planned on being a mom, but now that her baby wasn't a baby anymore she was having a little trouble reconciling that.

"They must agree with you, you look good MB." James said, and Merri almost burst out laughing at that. She had bags under her eyes and had barely disguised the crayon marks on her pants from Millie's latest attempt to redesign her wardrobe. Good was probably the last thing she looked, but James always knew how to charm her when he wanted to.

"What are you doing in New Orleans?" She decided to change the subject and focus on why he was in her city and how long he was going to be staying for. Merri knew that he would see the kids, but she also knew that he'd want to try and get back into her good graces. She was going to have to fight like hell to try and prevent that from happening, because the last thing she wanted to do was reopen the door for him.

"I've got an assignment on the architecture of the crescent city." Merri sighed a little as he shot her that smile, the one that always made her melt. She had to admit to herself that he looked good. There was a little more meat on him than there used to be, and she liked it more. On top of that she saw where Ben got his chubby cheeks and curly hair from, not that her hair was the straightest when it was longer. It also showed that Millie really was her miniature. James' job had brought him to them, just like it so often took him away.

"Far cry from the front lines of Fallujah." That was a dig she couldn't help but make, because she was sometimes still a little bitter. She understood his drive and his love for his work, she was a workaholic too, but she was still bitter, and more often than not she was angry with him for something or another, she wasn't going to pretend that she wasn't.

"I'll tell you all about it later on, at dinner." James' lopsided grin returned, and Merri wondered if he knew how much that infuriated her and just didn't care. She was almost certain that he didn't care even a little bit. She wasn't sure what annoyed her more, that he hadn't asked a thing about their children or that he'd assumed that she'd have dinner with him without asking about it. Really though, they both knew they would

So instead she fought rolling her eyes. Deciding to try and make a joke out of it instead. Try and stop her mind from either wanting to shoot him or jump him. Neither would actually be all that helpful. "Still as presumptuous as ever." When they were young, Merri had thought that was confidence, that his swagger was attractive. Sometimes it still was, but most of the time she just found it mildly infuriating.

"You know I'll see you tonight." He said quietly, and she almost kicked herself because they were both that predictable. Besides, he could see Ben, and maybe even Millie. "I'll bring your favourite wine." Once upon a time they'd had dinner out and shots and she'd have a babysitter. That was when they made plans for the nights to be ones where she stayed in his hotel room. Neither of them expected that any more.

"I'm… busy. With a case. I'll text you later." She just needed to get out of there, especially as she knew that Pride and LaSalle were stood only a few feet away watching their interactions. She couldn't tell if they'd guessed who it was, though she wasn't sure she'd ever given either of them enough of a description of them. As she stepped away, she did have to admit one thing, and hope that it was more a promise than a goodbye. "It is really great seeing you, though."

Almost as soon as she caught up to Pride and LaSalle they looked to her, then LaSalle watched as James walked away back in the direction of Orleans. A second later came the first barked question, and Merri knew this was going to make the rest of this case far more interesting than she cared it to be, and none of it actually because of the case. "Who's that guy?"

"James. My ex." She didn't clarify, didn't say anything else. In some ways she wanted to see if either of them made the connection, because she did call him by his name a lot. Pride had heard the story of how he proposed, LaSalle knew that he had a weird thing for fruit salad. There was clearly no recollection, though, as both just carried on looking at her.

"Ex boyfriend?" LaSalle asked, and Pride looked between them then clearly realised who it was he'd just seen. Maybe even realised that there was going to be a lot going on outside of this case that would probably steal some of her attention. That didn't answer LaSalle's question, and she knew she should just say it before he took the initiative to go and catch up to James and ask him himself.

"Ex-husband." She muttered a little bashfully. She'd always been honest about James and who he was in her life, the ex part of  _ex_ -husband was sometimes the part they both struggled with. Merri knew that she'd spoken about him on more than one occasion to both the men she worked with, but they both looked more than a little surprised at her choice. "I'm going to go now."

She turned and just walked to the car, climbing in the back rather than fighting over the front seat with LaSalle and screaming, momentarily, into her jacket just to try and get out some of the frustration she felt. Why couldn't he have come when they didn't have a murder case to investigate. When she could have asked Pride for a couple of personal days so she could actually work things out with the kids and their dad. Instead, she was stuck. She did her work, tried to focus on the case but James' constant texts were not making that easy on her. Finally Pride sent them home, earlier than usual, but this case had things that could only be worked in daylight hours. She'd told James he could come by that night, and by the time 8pm came around, she was ready to throttle her son for misbehaving. "Ben, get down. If you break her chair I will be throwing you out with it."

"But I'm bored!" He moaned, doing the typical thing he did when he had too much energy and not enough to do with it. Maybe she shouldn't have let him have ice cream for dessert tonight, as this always seemed to happen when he had ice-cream. "Mum, mum. Look!" She didn't need to look to know he was doing something dangerous, and a knock at the door prevented her from looking anyway..

"Benjamin Lathom put it down!" She didn't know what it was, but she called that out over her shoulder as she moved the curtain over the front door, then opened it and stepped back before she said anything to James. "Ben, daddy's here." She called, and then heard and instant crash as he dropped whatever he'd been playing with.

"Dad!" He yelled, and she was so glad that after a year of living near a bar meant that Millie had gained the ability to sleep through almost everything. It meant that she was still going to be asleep, and Merri wasn't going to have to deal with the permanently cranky toddler. Merri was pretty sure it was because she was always a little breathless, but Millie did not like people, or doing things, especially when she wasn't ready for them.

"Hey Puppy. God you've gotten huge." James said as he picked their six year old up, and Merri was once again refraining from rolling her eyes. He made it sound like it was a surprise that Ben wasn't still the same size he'd been last time that James had visited. Merri was always surprised at how much he could grow in a couple of weeks, so she imagined that it was even more pronounced when you'd only seen your son on video streams and in pictures for the better part of two straight years.

"It's been more than two years, of course he's huge." She couldn't help but sound a little bitter, even though she was trying to make sure that Ben didn't catch that. He didn't deserve to know that his mother had so many problems with his father, and he also didn't deserve to think that anything was his fault when it came to this situation. This had all been ordained long before he was born. "You never even met your daughter."

"Where is she?" James asked, as if he didn't even realise that at her age she wasn't going to be awake still. In truth, it was almost Ben's bedtime, that was why she'd pulled out the wine, as this just wasn't the easiest case and even just knowing that James was in the city was making it harder for her to focus on the things that she should have been focusing on, their victim and the suspects. So she had been glad Millie had slept easily tonight.

"Asleep, it's after her bedtime. She's not even 2 yet." She grumbled then leant in and kissed Ben's cheek. "Ben, why don't you show your dad what you do in school while I just… go and drink this entire bottle of wine in the kitchen." She smiled then at James and retreated, not even bothering to get a glass once the wine was open. Pride could deal with her being hungover tomorrow, she'd just make sure she didn't drive until the morning. She'd be fine.

She was a good half bottle down when James came into the kitchen, and from the lack of chasing she assumed that Ben had just fallen asleep, rather than fought it like he had been known to do when he was a little younger. There was a happy smile on James' face, and Merri was torn between wanting to tear his throat open with her teeth and wanting to jump on him and kiss him until they couldn't breathe. She probably should put the bottle down. "I put him to bed. He's a great kid."

"No thanks to you." She was going to blame the alcohol for why that had slipped out so bluntly, but it was exactly what she was thinking. Plenty of the suspects she came across at work had fathers like James, and in truth that was one of her fears, but she wasn't going to say that, instead she was going to focus on right now, not a hypothetical future. "Why are you here James?"

"I came to see you. And to see him and to meet my daughter." That was what he thought, she was sure, but Merri wasn't entirely sure she believed that. It had been almost exactly a year since she'd moved her permanently. Their daughter was about to turn two in a few weeks, and James could have come at any time. He hadn't. He'd come now and she just hated that she couldn't take him at face value.

"You could have come at any time to do that. Why do you always turn up just when I feel like I'm getting control of my life?" That was beginning to be how she felt about it. Like he purposefully waited until her life had settled enough that him appearing would throw her into the most chaos. She had a boyfriend, a jobs she loved, and she finally felt like this was where she could settle. Then James arrived.

"Because control is overrated." He smirked in that way he always had when they were young. How he'd convinced her to take a leave of absence and spend three months in Thailand with her, how he'd talked her into a relationship to begin with really. She'd been so hesitant even though she'd liked him on sight. He'd convinced her, and then… this had happened. It was easy to think control was overrated when you had no commitments.

"When you're free and single, but I'm not. I have to raise our children and I love them deeply, but I wish you'd be involved more." That was probably always going to be something that they disagreed with, probably always going to struggle to balance with what he wanted and what his family needed. Divorced or not, they were still his family.

"I'm hoping to get a permanent gig this side of the Atlantic, then I'll be here more. I have to work, MB. This is my work." How she had always hated that argument, and how she hated that he could use it the way that he did. His work, his travelling, his fun. It made her angry and simultaneously reminded her why he'd been so fascinating when they first met.

"What about my work? Most of my colleagues don't even know much about them." She couldn't help but point that out but then she just sagged. She didn't want to fight anymore, she didn't want to have these problems anymore and most of all she didn't want to feel like she did anymore. "I have to keep them safe from all the people who hate me, but I know who hates me. I don't know who hates you, and you probably have a list as long as mine." She sighed then reached out and put her hand on his cheek. However angry she was at him, she still loved him deeply. "I just want to know you're safe, and the kids are safe."

"MB, if there was ever a threat to the kids I'd let you know immediately." James said quietly, moving slightly and standing directly in front of her. Merri knew where this was going, and she didn't think she had the self control to step away, more than that she wasn't sure that she wanted to either. Sam's face flashed through her mind as James lifted her chin, but she already knew that this was a foregone conclusion. She'd made the first move on this, and she found that already she didn't regret anything. "I love you, and them. I'm never going to risk any of you. I promise."

"You promise a lot of things." She couldn't help that falling out of her lips as she looked at him. As he came closer she just took a deep breath and tried to think about anything else. Just to make him wait, anything to prolong this moment and pretend that she wasn't so easily swayed by her ex husband. She wasn't sure if she could blame the alcohol or the fact that she just had never really gotten over him, but his promises didn't reassure her anymore. "You always have promised a lot."

"Let me prove it to you." He said quietly then leant down to kiss her gently, after a second he pulled her flush against him and any thought of pulling away fled from her mind. She wasn't going to pretend that this was perfect, or that they'd had the best kind of relationship, but tonight she wanted him even if she couldn't put her finger on why. The other thoughts were thoughts for tomorrow.

The morning dawned, and along with the light came the familiar light tug of an alcohol fuelled headache. "Daddy! You stayed." Ben yelled as soon as he ran into Merri's bedroom, she was glad that she'd had the forethought at some point in the night to roll over and pull her nightdress on, thinking that she didn't need to scar Ben any more than she probably already had. As she woke up she heard the rattling that normally signalled that Millie wanted out of her crib too.

"Hey, course I stayed Puppy. I had to see you and meet your little sister." James said, pushing himself up and looking first at Merri before motioning for Ben to come and jump on the bed with him. "Do you behave for your mum?" That was a silly question to ask any six year old, and Merri just chuckled a little while replaying the night again in her mind.

"Never. He never behaves." She shook her head and laughed, leaning down and kissing the top of Ben's head as he sat between her and James. As they sat there for a moment she'd kind of wished that they were a normal family and James would have gotten up to get the clearly unhappy youngest, but not a move was made, and after a minute she started getting out of the bed. "I'll get up and get the toddler then."

"She doesn't know me, MB. It probably would have led to ever more screaming if I got her." James replied, and Merri didn't want to admit that he was right. She also didn't want to think about what state Millie was going to be in when she got in there. Sure enough, there was a mess as soon as she got to the door, and she spent a few minutes making Millie a little more presentable to meet her father. As she was getting her into a new onesie she heard a chime from the bedroom and guessed it was her work phone.

"Is that my phone?" She asked as she carried Millie through to her bedroom. For once it actually did feel like a 'normal' family and the truth was that she didn't know how she felt about it after all. It felt more than a little strange for it to be so domestic for them, and she wondered if it was a genuine hesitation or if it was just more that she was being a little possessive for a reason she couldn't fathom.

"A text from someone called Chris LaSalle. 'Where are you, meet at the lab'." James reciting it before she could reach out and grab her phone made her groan. If they were needed at the lab then Sebastian had probably found something and it couldn't wait until Katrine got there. "Hey baby girl." James said to Millie as Merri walked closer.

"Shit. Katrine won't be here for half an hour." She grumbled, but Ben burst out laughing at the fact that she'd said a bad word. As she took her phone she leant Millie down toward James and already knew that she'd practically launch herself at him anyway. Millie didn't care who was holding her as long as it wasn't Merri. "Millie go to daddy." She encouraged a little, but that was more to give James the warning than it was to actually get Millie to do what she would have done anyway.

"I'll stay with them, give them breakfast." James offered right as she was in the middle of typing. She then just stopped and stared at him a second, and she couldn't really turn down the offer of help right now. She needed to get dressed, and she needed to get to the lab and that was already going to take longer than she liked.

"James… you know we still don't work, right?" They may have slept together, but they weren't a couple and she couldn't see this ever working out long term. Not anymore. Once upon a time this had been what she wanted, but not any longer. Now it was too much for her, and she was sure after a few days James wouldn't be able to cope either.

"Let's talk about it another time." He smiled after a moment, and she reached for the handwash on the bedside table as he bounced Millie until she was sat on his leg. Likely a more comfortable position than where Merri had left her. Before she turned to grab clothes and get dressed she shot a slightly furtive look to James and noticed he had already started to nod. "Go."

"Fine. Love you, and you." She kissed each of the kids in turn, resulting in her son pulling a face at her and Millie just staring like she usually did. Was it possible for a baby to inherit the ability to hate physical contact? Merri wasn't sure, but it felt like somehow Millie had done it. "I don't hate you." She smiled at James, then just decided to give him a kiss as well to complete the circuit. She then pulled away and went to the closet before calling over her shoulder. "Ben make sure Millie is OK with dad."

Leaving the kids was not what she wanted, but there was movement on the case and she was fairly sure that they were going to be working non-stop until they caught whoever had killed these people. She had told Sam about James in the car on the way back from the lab when she was on her own, it had not been a pretty conversation and that was before she mentioned that he'd spent the night. The argument that ensued lead to her reminding him that they had kids together and hanging up, too angry to even continue.

The problem with that was that she was torn between the two of them, and working this case was making her distrust everyone. Thankfully toward the end of the case she got the advice that she'd been searching for. Sam had sent flowers, and she didn't need to open the card to know that they were an apology for the fight. She also didn't need to open it to know that her heart didn't lie with him. It didn't necessarily lie with James either, but she was more willing to fight for that one. So after they caught their killer she called James, telling him to meet her at home. Katrine had the kids asleep and a date she'd rearranged, so by the time James got there they would be alone. "You called me late." Were his first words through the door.

"I wanted the kids to be asleep." She smiled and shut the door behind him, she'd left the lamps on as it was just a softer light, and she preferred this. She knew that one way or another James was going to accept her invitation or he wasn't, either way they were going to have to address where their relationship was. She needed to know.

"I'm glad, I wanted to come and say goodbye in person." Goodbye, wasn't that always what it came down to. James coming back and saying goodbye to her, to the kids. To any possibility of a life together. She knew it wasn't necessarily fair to look at it like that, but it was still how she felt most of the time.

"Where's the next stop?" She wanted to pretend that she was interested in his life. That she was interested in the thing that was making it harder for their children to spend any time with their father. Yes, James had his reasons but it had been 8 years, and he wasn't the one who had to face this every day. She was, and that made her bitter when she had to be polite.

"I have an assignment in Dubai." Was that a hint of regret she sensed too. She wasn't sure anymore but he certainly wasn't as excited as he usually was when he was telling her about a new assignment in person. She wasn't sure that that was a change in him, or a change in their circumstances.

"Very cool." What else could she say about something that she didn't care about and somewhat wished wasn't happening? She wasn't sure, but she tried to sound like she supported him. "I broke up with Sam today, he sent me some beautiful flowers." It fell out of her mouth and she didn't know how to take it back, so she tried to pull it back. "I mean that's not why I broke up with him but…"

"He didn't get to know you at all, did he?" James chuckled then stepped closer to her, a look of curiosity settling onto his features. "Do you ever wish I was that guy. The one who stayed? The one who is home for dinner every night, who plays with the kids while you do what you have to?"

"Sometimes, especially when Ben is asking about you…" Her new policy of being honest when people asked her questions was working well, so she was going to make sure that she kept it going, even in situations in this where it might not be the best thing to say. "But you are who you are and… you don't have to apologise for that."

"Why did you break up with Sam?" James asked, and Merri somehow hadn't expected him to be so blunt with the question. She had just expected for him to not really care, but it was clear that he actually did care.

So she had to remind herself of being honest, she had to keep it going because it would tell James what he needed to hear too. "Because I realised that… if I wanted to be with Sam I wouldn't have jumped into bed with you so easily." And it was easy, as she looked back on it, but she still didn't regretting it. "I realised that despite hating you for a while and being angry with you most of the time… I still love you, and I'm probably always going to."

"I can't be what you want me to be." James countered her honesty with some of his own. She knew he couldn't. She knew that anything of that had been beaten out of him by grief and the horrors of what he'd seen in his years of reporting on horrible situations. She could live with that, even if it wasn't what she wanted.

"I know that, tonight is what it is. Just promise me that… you'll try to visit more." She really wanted that from him. She didn't care about them, she didn't care about anything but what would be good for Ben and Millie, and having him visit would change so much for them, and for her too.

"I can promise that…" He sighed but he came up and ran a finger down her cheek. She could see the anguish in his face as he thought about it and it did make her feel a little sorry for him. "I miss you and them like crazy, MB. I really do, but I can't settle down." She had heard that before, and she didn't need to hear it again, but she would listen. "Losing Emily proved to me that life was too short to not do what I love and I wish that my priorities were different and that I could help you more."

"James… I know where I stand with you, and that is OK. Just please… see your kids more. The rest we can work out." That was what she needed from him. She wasn't going to ask for anything more as that wouldn't be fair for him, or for the kids. He shouldn't need to be forced.

"Guess we're too far gone to change anything about us now." She knew they both wished that their relationship was salvageable, but they were both getting to the point where they knew maybe it wasn't. But it didn't have to be this way. "No matter what though, I will never put you in danger. I said that before and I'll repeat it now."

"I believe you." She smiled a little then leant up and kissed him lightly just to try and pick him up a little. "Look, J… I took a week off. I know you always give yourself a week's grace between assignments." He had done that as long as she'd known him and it was something she didn't ever see changing. "Stay here, we'll try and be a normal family for a week."

"MB… I…" He stuttered and shook his head at which point she just lifted his chin so that she could reassure him that she wasn't telling him not to go, that she wasn't demanding for him to stay forever either. She just wanted him to stay for a few more days and give this a shot.

"Get to know your daughter, bond some with your son. I'm not saying stay forever, I'm saying stay for a week. We could drive over to Florida or up into Texas." She would go anywhere for him, except for maybe Mississippi. That might be pushing it too far. "I'd do anything for the kids, and I just want you to give a little."

"OK. I'll need somewhere to stay though. I checked out of my hotel." James smiled, and she realised that he had given in, and he was going to stay for at least a little while. It might not do anything for them, but she was sure it would do a lot for Ben and Millie, and weren't they the important ones in all of this.

"You can stay here. Let's try and work out this co-parenting thing." She laughed as she pulled him into a hug then kissed him deeply. Just because they weren't necessarily going to restart their relationship didn't mean they couldn't have some fun, and that was definitely what it was when they were together. She would see where the week took her, but for now she was willing to let the universe decide on it's own.


	20. The Insider

Merri had enjoyed her week away, but in truth she was glad to be home. She hadn't exactly gone far, but the kids had had fun on the beach and with their daddy. Merri wasn't sure that she and James had really sorted anything out, but she also knew that no matter what he realised how much trouble he'd been causing the kids. So after a week of learning and discussions, she was home and glad to be bad at work, which included the group trip to their crime scene. "So, did ya miss me?"

"Were you gone?" LaSalle replied, and Merri slapped the top of his arm jokingly. Not that she had really expected anything less from him. If he hadn't made some smart ass comment about her she actually would have probably wondered what had happened to him. "Hey, yes. Yes, we missed you." He then made a big theatrical show of rubbing the top of his arm.

"Wasn't the same without you Brody." Pride interjected, probably to stop them bickering as they tended to do when they were left to their own devices for too long. "Did you and the ex get things sorted out?" That was a question she should have known was coming but that she also still wasn't sure about.

"Yes and no. He's going to see the kids more, we've made a visitation schedule he's sworn to stick to as best assignments allow." That had been a huge concession to get out of him and she hadn't really been sure that she'd actually get that. It was only once a month, for a weekend, but it was more than he'd agreed to in six years so she was willing to believe that he was trying to turn a new leaf when it came to his kids. The rest, that had been postponed. "Him and me… well that's another matter and one to be revisited at a later date."

"So a little's changed and a lot's changed." LaSalle asked, clearly not really understanding the magnitude of that kind of agreement. She was fairly sure that he understood that she and James were leaving whatever they had as casual and undefined, but the concession about visiting the kiss probably went right over his head. Not that she could blame him, as he was very much a bachelor. He lived that life and was happy with it.

"Wait til you have kids Christopher, a little can be a lot and a lot can be everything… and it still won't be enough." There was a finality in Pride's voice that made her wonder if he was thinking about his wife and Laurel. Merri knew there were still things going on there, though Pride didn't talk about them, so she let it go and tried not to focus on it either.

"Gotta agree with Pride there." She sighed, because even though she was absolutely certain that she was doing the very best she could for Ben and Millie, there were undoubtedly things that she could do better, and other things that she should probably do more, or less, of. None of that would change how she felt, but it could change a lot for them as people. "It's not really all that possible to win at parenting, you try your best but there are always things you could be doing better."

"Though getting through a day without a trip to the ER certainly counts." Pride laughed, and given the way that Millie was becoming that may change soon to weeks without admissions was probably going to be more accurate. That was something else for another day though.

"That's true." She ended up agreeing, instead of commenting about Millie. Then she remembered what had happened the day they'd gotten back from vacation. "Especially once they are old enough to do dumb stuff on their own because their friends think it'll be funny." She sighed and shook her head.

"Now there is a story in that, spill?" LaSalle was clearly interested in the kids stories when there was something that might sound scandalous or amusing. Merri wasn't sure that he'd actually find this all that interesting in the end, but since he was so interested she could let him know. It would probably be a way to scare him off kids again.

"Not my kid, I should clarify. Ben's friend stuck an LED up his nose on Tuesday afternoon." She frowned again remembering the group messages about it. Merri also wouldn't lie, at the time she'd been laughing and thankful that it wasn't Ben who'd done that. Though she hoped that he was more sensible than that. "They spend all night in the ER because it wouldn't come out. The boys thought it was hilarious."

"Kids are a constant trial." Pride chuckled to that, and she couldn't help but join in with him after a moment. It was funny at the time for her, but she was sure that in any other circumstance it would not have been funny at all. Though the pictures of the flashing LEDs had given them far more amusement than was fair for parents. "Loretta has no idea what she's getting herself into."

"Nope, she'll get there though. I mean she's missed the really interesting part. CJ's a little older than Ben." Merri wasn't sure if it got any more interesting, but going through learning about them mumbling and not knowing most of the words, making sounds to fit in like Millie was, or being a terror and a show-off like Ben was being. Merri was still sat chuckling as Pride parked up and just shook her head again. "It is fun though."

"If you two are done having your parenting moment we should get in there." LaSalle sounded a little fed up by that, and she was certain that it was to do with the fact there were some things he just couldn't join in on. One day maybe he could, especially if his relationship with Savannah kept going as well as it appeared to be, but right now he was on the sidelines. She had barely opened the door before LaSalle was already heading in and she just smirked a little.

"I think Christopher is fed up of hearing about our kids." Pride muttered quietly as he grabbed his bag too, and that just made Merri snort. Of course he would be taking as much amusement from it as she was, not that either of them would ever admit that they were finding it hilarious that LaSalle was being that huffy.

"Makes me want to talk about them more. Let's get to work though." She was looking forward to doing that too. She'd just missed being here, and she'd missed getting her thoughts into a good case. Though this one ended up being far harder than she had expected. It was certainly not helped by the fact that it was their friends in danger, and they weren't being able to lead it all.

She hated it all, the hostage situation, the case around it, the Russian doctor who had terrible, terrible English. This case pushed her to the edge of what she could reasonably do. She felt helpless all through it, even more so when Pride walked into the Morgue with no thought for his own safety. It was so him, but she was not really all that happy with him for it. Despite Danny's injuries, she was glad that they all got out relatively unscathed. She had even arranged for Katrine to gather CJ and him to stay with her and the kids until Loretta got home.

So she headed back, agreeing to meet everyone at the hospital after she'd gathered the kids. Walking through she was glad that Millie ran up to her as soon as she got through the door. It was nice to know that you were wanted sometimes, even if you were only wanted by an almost two year old with a terrible grasp of English too. "Mummy!"

"Hey Monkey. Where's your brother?" She asked with a grin, though she was really talking to Katrine. She was becoming more and more invaluable to Merri, and it was probably time they spoke about a raise for her because she worked tirelessly and Merri knew her kids weren't the easiest. Especially right now. "You got my message about getting CJ?"

"Yeah, he's upstairs with Ben." That was a relief, because sometimes CJ seemed to still be quite shy. Merri was glad that he was playing with or speaking to someone, even if it was only Ben. They were in the same school now, so she was sure that they saw a lot of each other, and that CJ would soon have his own friends.

"Thanks Katrine. I promised we'd get them to the hospital." She kissed Millie's cheek and smiled a little, deciding to just take the plunge, deciding that since it was very deserved that she'd just go ahead and do it. "I need to speak to you tomorrow, James and I want to offer you a raise." She included James in that because the money did largely come from him and she'd top it up if she had to.

"OK, I'll come by tomorrow afternoon then." Katrine had a large grin on her face, which Merri was happy to see too. She was the only reason that Merri and James could both live the lives they did without there being trouble for them. The fact that the kids loved her was certainly a bonus. "Night Millie." She waved as she stepped out the door, and Merri sighed thinking about the next thing she had to do.

"Ben, CJ. Come on!" She yelled, not even going to the bottom of the stairs as she put Millie down again and started grabbing some things up off the floor. They didn't really have the time to think about anything else, but she had the feeling that Ben and CJ weren't going to help that much, somehow.

Suddenly she had the feeling that the boys were going to be showing off for each other, which was going to drive her insane if they weren't going to be behaving for her. A second later she heard shouted down the stairs. "Why!?" It was clearly Ben, since CJ had an accent and Ben didn't, just like her.

"'Cause I said so. Benjamin Lathom you get your skinny butt down here right night." She may have picked that up from Patton, but she wasn't sure why it came to her right now, when she actually needed him to behave and come down the stairs. He had to misbehave at the worst possible time, and she really needed to get them all into the car.

"She used my big name she's gonna be mad." Ben chirped a little as suddenly both boys came thundering down the stairs. Well at least she hadn't had to start counting, that was what she hated to do most but she'd never got past one anymore, Ben knew that it wasn't worth her getting to three.

"Yes I am, get your shoes on." She clicked her fingers, more for Ben's benefit than CJ's. Probably partly to do with how unsettled his life had been until this point, CJ tended to do what he was told first time. Ben was just being a little more rebellious since he'd spent time with James. "You too CJ." She pointed to his shoes as she scooped Millie up again and grabbed her shoes from beside the door too.

"Miss Merri, where are we going?" CJ asked, and while Merri knew that he'd been told something had happened, she wasn't sure if school had told him how bad it had been, so she wasn't going to be specific either. He'd see Danny soon and it would be easier to explain to him when he could see what was happening right in front of him.

So it felt like keeping it quiet was fine, just leaving this non-specific. She wasn't sure how she'd feel if it was her, but she was sure that as long as the kids were cared for she didn't care how much they understood. "I promised I'd take you to see your brother and Loretta at the hospital."

"Is Danny OK?" CJ asked immediately, and that was harder to answer non-specifically, but she could work it out. She was actually pretty sure that she knew what he was thinking, and all of it was the worst case, so she reached out and squeezed his shoulder and smiled, and it could be a genuine smile, as they already knew that Danny was going to be OK.

"He will be, yeah. It'll just take a little bit for him to recover." A few weeks for his chest to fully recover, maybe a little longer until he was full strength again, but he'd be there before too long. Merri was ready to make sure that CJ didn't feel like he was missing out either. She and Loretta had actually made plans for all the kids if one or the other of them needed to spend a night in hospital for whatever reason, this was the first test.

"And momma Loretta?" CJ was clearly worried that something much more serious had happened, so Merri was actually glad that she was able to answer that one completely honestly. She didn't want to think about what would have happened if that wasn't true, but thankfully that wasn't a concern.

"She's hurt her wrist, that's it. You'll see them soon and see I'm right." She nodded a little and after making sure that Millie had her shoes on properly then that Ben's were on the right feet she was ready to get them out. It had been such an emotionally taxing day, and her's wasn't over yet. "Come on, stop showing off you." She ordered Ben before stepping outside and marshalling the kids to the car.

After a half an hour of making sure that nobody was going to tug on anything that they should Merri decided that she'd leave Loretta and the kids together to try and cheer Danny up a little, she had someone to yell at, and she wasn't really sure that Pride was going to appreciate her playing the concerned friend this time. Loretta had other things to keep herself concerned with though, so it fell to Merri. "The kids alright in there?"

"Yeah, they behave for Loretta. Ben better than he does me this week." She sighed softly, not really wanting to talk about Ben's attitude, especially as it was already starting to fade off again. She was pretty sure that he wasn't going to be quite such a show off when he was back in class come Monday. At least that's what she was hoping or she was going to start losing her mind.

"What you doing out here then?" Pride was actually doing a really good impression of Ben at his grumpiest right now, so maybe her experience with her grumpy son was going to help her with dealing with Pride in this mood. She didn't know what was going on with him, but she felt like it was something that needed to be addressed.

"We need to talk." She probably should have said more than that, but she wanted to pull him away from Danny's room for this. At least he didn't fight her when she grabbed his arm and pulled him away a little, which she'd half expected for him to do. So he wasn't quite as stubborn as Ben, but he was getting there.

"We do?" He asked a little sarcastically as they walked away and she just rolled her eyes a little and shook her head. It was clear he wasn't going to make any of this easy for her, and she had to resist the urge to scream. Was it too early for her to want to go on vacation again? Clearly Pride realised she needed a moment and for him to be less of an ass, so he was quiet and when he spoke again it was with a little less attitude. "What about?"

"Your stunt back there." She started, trying to focus on the current moment rather than what could be being discussed in Danny's room. Merri knew that right now she needed to remind Pride that he had a family and a child that he needed to think of. He couldn't fly off half-cocked like this without causing problems to other people. "Putting yourself in that much trouble."

"I thought you were impressed by my bravado." He said simply, there was only a hint of attitude that time, and Merri had to admit that in the adrenaline of the moment she was proud of him for doing something that she and all the others wished they could do. But in the cold light of reflection it was a bad idea.

"A little, but I was more concerned about your stupidity." Alright, not at the time, now though it was all about the stupidity. There was too much that could have gone wrong and she didn't want to ever have to be the one breaking that news to Laurel. "This time it had a happy ending but what if it hadn't?" The kind of 'what if' that she hated, but it was a question that needed asking.

"I saved three people Brody, our friends." The way he said that, like it should matter that because he had saved those people it was acceptable that he'd gone against operating procedure and put things in jeopardy. Somehow, though, she didn't think that that argument was actually going to do anything for him, but she would try and approach it in another way.

"It could have gone the other way, and you know that very well." Merri knew that they had both been on the wrong side of situations like this. They'd tried to help and lost people, or almost lost themselves to various forces of whatever they were trying to fight against. "I'm just worried about you, and about the fact you jump into things like this without thinking, and without telling anyone else what you're doing."

"Brody, I know you're being my friend but I'm OK, I promise." Pride held a hand up, and she was about to debate that point when she suddenly remembered that he was actually her boss and she couldn't just say whatever she wanted just because they were also friends. He was having none of it and she needed to learn to let go when it wasn't worth the fight to push it. "Just leave it."

"Alright." She sighed, holding a hand up to show that she was going to do just that. It might come up again in the future, but tonight she would move the conversation on and let that part go. For a second she floundered on what to say before she settled on something, how as parents they could both picture what it was that Loretta was having to deal with right now. "Can you imagine being where Loretta is right now?"

"I don't know if I want to. Laurel is older than Danny and I hope she's never in a bad place like this, but then I remember that Danny was just at work, with his mother right there beside him." That actually made this all even more terrifying. The fact that Loretta had been right there and still this had happened to Danny. She shuddered visibly and sighed, not really wanting to think about it but knowing that she needed to.

"This is why I didn't want to talk about my kids at work." This had always been her nightmare. Since pretty much the second that Ben had been born, but it was so much worse now that they were living with it. "I'm so worried that one day this could be Ben or Millie." She sighed a little and frowned. Only someone else who had lived through this would actually understand the fear that came along with that thought. "I get a call that they are in a hospital somewhere and it's because of me and my job. Or worse, something happens to them when I'm right there and I can't stop it."

Pride reached out this time and squeezed her shoulder. She reached up and squeezed his hand in response before taking a deep breath to control herself again. "We all have those worries, but sometimes we have to push through them to help someone. It's why we do what we do." That seemed oversimplified, and there were many reasons Merri could think of that weren't that reason for what she did.

"I do what I do because I'm not sure I'd know how to do anything else." That was truthful, because she wasn't sure she was actually good at anything else. She'd started training to do this when she was 18, and she was pretty sure that there weren't all that many transferrable skills to the average job market from being an NCIS agent.

"If you ever left this you'd be able to do plenty of things, I'm sure." Pride tried to reassure her again, the small smirk on his face giving it away that he wasn't really all that sure, which was fine because she was pretty sure he didn't know either. Though he could always be a professional chef. He was good enough at that. She had once made an egg explode when she tried to boil it.

"I'm not." She shook her head again then sighed. No matter what she just wanted to redo things at times. "I just wish, sometimes, that I'd picked a safer career all those years ago. Truthfully though, I can't really imagine doing anything else." However much she wished for different, she doubt that it would actually have changed her life. She was drawn to this work.

At that moment a very sleepy Millie came out looking for her mother, and Merri took that as a sign that she needed to take the kids home and get them to bed. Agreeing to take CJ so that Loretta could spend the night with Danny she managed to get them all back, and was glad that they all fell asleep pretty much as soon as they got in. The next day she decided that a trip to the playground on Dauphine would be better than trying to keep three kids entertained in a hospital for the full day. Calling Patton up she was glad that he had Jeanne and agree to bring her down to play too.

But as she sat watching them play she knew that she needed to talk to Ben and Millie about what to do in an emergency. Not that Millie would actually be able to do all that much just yet, it would still help to talk to her about it, and make sure that she knew to stay with Ben if anything ever happened. "Hey, get your butt over here I need to talk to you both." She called to Ben, grabbing Millie as she ran past and smiled.

"OK." Ben said as he ran over and sat on the wall beside her. She smiled a little as Patton was watching Jeanne and CJ playing soccer, and she was surprised that Jeanne was as good as she was. Merri needed to focus on what to tell Ben and Millie though, and leave other thoughts for afterwards.

"What about choo choo?" Millie said, pointing in a random direction and Merri didn't even try to figure out what her daughter was talking about. She sort of made the assumption that she was talking about the street car, and she just nodded a little while thinking about it an decided to play into that.

"We'll get on that to go home, yeah? Mommy needs to talk." She wanted them both to know that it was serious, but toddlers rarely understood that, and so instead of calming down she slipped out of Merri's grasp. "Millie, Millie come here, please!" She yelled and was glad that only a second later millie came and climbed on the walled too.

"What is it mum?" Ben asked after a second, putting his hand gently on her knee and smiling a little. Merri didn't know if Ben realised how shaken she'd been by what had happened the day before, he had no reason to understand it but she had the feeling he knew something was bugging her. He was perceptive like that.

"OK, since Danny and Loretta got hurt I wanted to talk to you about what we do if we're ever in danger." It wasn't the first time she'd spoken about it with Ben, but it was the first time in a couple of years, and she didn't know if he'd remember. The last time she'd been pregnant with Millie, and she hadn't wanted Ben to not know what to do then, just the same as now. "Can you remember?"

"Call for the police!" Ben jumped a little as he spoke, and a moment later Millie mimicked his call, bouncing the same. Merri was proud that Millie was paying at least that much attention, even if she didn't quite understand what was going on yet. Both the children were so innocent, and Merri hated that she was going to have to break a little bit of that, but she had to keep them all safe.

"Can you remember how to do that?" To Merri, to most adults, these were obvious questions, but she wanted to know what Ben remembered, and what he understood. She was also hoping that he could keep teaching Millie about it as she grew up. It was definitely helpful for her that Ben would do that from time to time.

"You press 911 on the phones and hit call. Then I tell them where I am." That was close enough, she didn't want him using her name or badge on the phone if he didn't have to. If he was already in trouble it could make him a bigger target. Though depending on how she felt before long that might change as they grew up.

"OK. What do you do with Millie since she's too little to do anything herself yet?" This was something they'd never covered, so she wondered what Ben would do without ever having been told. He did seem a little stumped for a few minutes, and he just stared at Millie, clearly thinking what was probably the best idea.

"I hold her hand and hide until the police come." He eventually answered, and Merri felt her face split into a wider smile. She had a very smart little boy, and he knew what was the best thing to do not just for him but for his little sister too. There was a pride that she felt building that she couldn't deny.

"What if mommy is hurt? Can you remember what to do then?" Hopefully this would not be something they ever had to go through, but given that she often ignored injuries from work if she wanted to get home she was never going to count it out. Even if they never had to deal with it, she wanted to make sure that Ben knew exactly what to do.

He stopped again for a moment, this time staring at her and frowned a little, sucking on his fingertip as he tended to do when he thought. "I call the police and an ambulance and I give them the number on your belt and where we are." He remembered all of it, and she was proud of that. Though there was more she should poke him on there, just because if she was hurt she wouldn't be able to say it herself most likely.

"Yes you do, well done. What else do you say?" She prompted, waiting and letting him think and focus. Not wanting to make it harder for him when he was already clearly trying his hardest to give her all the right answers. He had already remembered far more than she'd expected for him to do, and at this moment she wasn't sure that she could be prouder of all that he knew how to do.

"My mummy is hurt and she works for NCIS." Ben looked proud of himself as he said that, and Merri reached out and pulled him to her, giving him a tight hug and a kiss on the head. He was growing up so fast but he was still her little boy and probably always would be, this was just one of the things he needed to learn to keep himself safe as he grew up.

"Well done! Well remembered it's been a little while since we talked about this." That was an understatement, she then grabbed Millie and gave her a tickle before she spoke to her. Millie was really too young to learn it all, but she would know as she grew up and could speak more. "You're going to have to learn it too before long Monkey. Can't always depend on Puppy to do it all."

"OK. Puppy big!" Millie pointed out, then reaching out and cuddling her brother before laughing loudly in his ear causing Ben to flinch a little. Having received those ear-laughs on more than one occasion Merri didn't blame him for flinching, and she was actually impressed he hadn't jumped away.

"Yes, Puppy's big, but you'll be big soon too." She refocused her attention back on Millie then giving her daughter one last kiss she put them down and smiled, waving them both off. Millie didn't need to be told twice and she was off back to the grass, though Ben hesitated for a moment and looked at her. "OK good talk, go back and play with Jeanne and CJ."

She stayed sat on the wall watching them and saw Patton coming and parking up beside her, clearly having realised that a serious conversation was happening. Probably why he'd kept Jeanne and CJ as busy as he had done through the last few minutes. "What was that about?" He asked, his tone saying that she could talk if she wanted, but if she didn't they could talk it off. She did think that getting another parents' opinion on it might be a good idea.

"That conversation we all have to have with our kids, what to do if some crazy person comes for them. Or just, you know, standard safety protocols for children." Merri knew that all parents had to set these guidelines out for their children, because it was all they could do to keep them safe, that didn't mean she had to like it.

"Even parents who don't do our jobs have to teach their kids about that." Patton echoed her thoughts, and while she understood that she was just bitter that they did. That anyone did. She didn't think they deserved that, especially when most wouldn't need it. Though statistically that wasn't true for her children.

"For them it's all hypothetical. I know that at least once before they are even in high school they are going to have to use this knowledge." Those statistics were largely for the kids of cops, but she knew that they weren't much different for agents. Mostly it was for medical assists though. Medical was better than for others. "That just… it bothers me." She couldn't help it, she wanted her children to stay innocent.

"All kids could have to use it. It's better they know it than they don't." Patton clearly had more reason to be sure that Jeanne know what to do, but it still just didn't reassure her. Maybe she was just denying reality, but it was annoying that they needed for children to know these things. She was just glad that they didn't seem to understand that it wasn't just a game, that it was actually knowledge that could save lives one day.

"I know you're right it just still bothers me." She sighed. It wasn't even something that she knew how to put into words that made sense. They weren't easy, and she didn't really want to try and push it when it was clearly just a weird hang up that she had. "I know it's right it just… it sucks."

Patton just shrugged and motioned to himself. "So does everything. Life is what we make of it. I should know." She had to admit that out of everyone she knew, Patton was the one who was the best to keep her grounded when she was going off the deep end on something like this. "Keep doing what you do, the rest of it we face when it comes." He then pointed behind her toward the gate and smirked. "Your youngest is trying to escape."

"Dammit!" She yelped and jumped up, running to the gate where she grabbed Millie and turned her in the other direction. While this case may have driven home how they were all targets, and nobody was really safe, she hoped that there was some good come out of it too. Even if it was only that the kids were all taught a little more about safety. There wasn't much she could be thankful for, but her friendships were one of them, and she was proud to know the people she did, and know they would help her if needed. Just like she helped them.


End file.
